Report: Average Male 4,000% Less Effective In Fights Than They Imagine
Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
4. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”
19. Give religious psalms to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
25. Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “oops!”
Kids Word Of Wisdom
“Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.”
- Rocky, age 9
“Don’t flush the john when your dad’s in the shower.”
- Lamar, age 10
“Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes.”
- Carol, age 9
“Never bug a pregnant mom.”
- Nicholas, age 11
“Don’t ever be too full for dessert.”
- Kelly, age 10
“When your dad is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ don’t answer him.”
- Heather, age 16
“Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.”
- Michael, age 14
“Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.”
- Joel, age 12
“When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone.”
- Alyesha, age 13
“Never try to baptize a cat.”
- Laura, age 13
“Never spit when on a roller coaster.”
- Scott, age 11
“Never do pranks at a police station.”
- Sam, age 10
“Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it’s moving.”
- Rob, age 10
“Never tell your little brother that you’re not going to do what your mom told you to do.”
- Hank, age 12
“Stay away from prunes.”
- Randy, age 9
“Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.”
- Phillip, age 13
“Forget the cake, go for the icing.”
- Cynthia, age 8
“When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.”
- Matthew, age 12
New Inventions By Blondes
• The water-proof towel
• Glow in the dark sunglasses
• Solar powered flashlights
• Submarine screen doors
• A book on how to read
• Inflatable dart boards
• A dictionary index
• Powdered water
• Pedal powered wheel chairs
• Water proof tea bags
• Watermelon seed sorter
• Zero proof alcohol
• Reusable ice cubes
• See through toilet tissue
• Skinless bananas
• Do it yourself road map
• Helicopter ejector seat
I Want A Divorce!
A young man from a prominent family was being divorced by his glamorous wife. His lawyer called with news about the property settlement. “The good news is that she isn’t asking for any share of your future inheritance.”
“Great!” said the young man. “What’s the bad news?”
“Well,” said the lawyer, “after the divorce, she’s marrying your father!”
Reasons To Drink
Like you need them!
1. If you don’t drink that booze, by God, someone else will.
2. The brewing industry alone employs 1.7 million people and that’s a lot of mouths to feed.
3. Bad ass nicknames like “Chuggybear,” “The Alabama Hamma,” “Pukey McPukerson” are not awarded to people who stay home to do laundry.
4. Your favorite bar stool needs just one more sitting to break it in.
5. This is the one and only night your soul mate will wander into the bar. Seriously.
6. Word on the street is the booze has been trash talking you all day.
7. Without your brilliant wit and charm all those poor bartenders will be so dreadfully bored.
8. Dude, after what you did last time, you gotta go back out there and explain yourself.
9. It’s far better to have a good time you won’t remember than a dull one you will.
10. You can bet something really important and worthy of celebration happened on this day at sometime or another.
11. How the hell can you walk around sober when you’re an insignificant speck in an infinite and uncaring universe?
12. If you don’t you’ll wake up in the morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed, and who the hell wants to go through life acting like a damn squirrel?
13. Your friends can’t have a good time without you.
14. Your friends might have a good time without you.
15. Your lawn is so much more comfortable when you’re loaded.
16. You’re much less likely to remember doing all that embarrassing stuff.
Famous Quotes From Women
• I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde. – Dolly Parton
• You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. – Erica Jong
• I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job. – Roseanne
• I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. – Susie Loucks
• This guy says, “I’m perfect for you, ’cause I’m a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man.” I said, “Oh, a gay trucker?” – Judy Tenuta
• I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman
• Never lend your car to anyone whom you have given birth to. – Erma Bombeck
• I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead. – Sue Kolinsky
• I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because the water is cold in there. And I’m like: How did my mother know THAT? – Wendy Liebman
• I think – therefore I’m single. - Lizz Winstead
• Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. – Elayne Boosler
• Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. – Bella Abzug
• In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. – Margaret Thatcher
• If I were going to convert to any religion, I would probably choose Catholicism, because it, at least, has female saints, and the Virgin Mary. – Margaret Atwood
• I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. – Gloria Steinem
• Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. – Gloria Steinem
• Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door, and just visit now and then. - Katharine Hepburn
• I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home, which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog, which growls every morning, a parrot, which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli
• Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. – Baroness Edith Summerskill
• If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? - Linda Ellerbee
• I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
Games For The Elderly
1. Sag, You’re it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners.
How To Be Annoying
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
Drum on every available surface.
Sing the Batman theme constantly.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 1-800 operators for their home phone number. If they don’t give it to you ask why they are calling YOU at home.
Sew department store anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.
Check out a mystery novel from the library and write the surprise ending on its first page.
Set the demonstration model alarms clocks in the department store for random times.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
At the laundry mat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
How To Know You Forgot Secretaries’ Day
• Phone messages are delivered on the end of a spear
• Your file cabinet’s top drawer is full of half-empty whiskey bottles
• Purchasing wants to know why you need a waterbed for your office
• The FBI is checking your computer
• Your company car is now a Gremlin
• Your important dictation is somehow typed as “blah… blah… blah…”
• An “I am a slave-driving cheapskate” sign appears on your office door
• You receive an FTD “Up Yours” flower arrangement
• Your job suddenly appears on the vacancy listing
• You hear her answer the phone, “Smith, Jones and Tight-ass”
• A suggestion you don’t recall submitting for a “siesta hour” is rejected
• Oprah invites you to appear on her “I’m A Self-Centered Pig” episode
• Newly-printed org chart lists your position as “Head Up His Ass”
• Your computer’s mouse has been replaced by a shock device
• Expense report you don’t recall submitting comes back with denied charges for “beer & hookers”
• Upon arriving home, your wife wants to know why your secretary hasn’t seen you for 3 days
• You notice an announcement for your upcoming retirement party on the bulletin board
• A copy of the bestseller “So, Your Head’s Up Your Ass, Now What?” suddenly appears on your desk
• In the elevator, the CEO says, “I hope you’ll have time to meet me tomorrow after your golf game”
• Accounting is demanding to know why you have a $1,110 phone bill on your private line for the month
• The cold coffee’s not that bad, but the staples at the bottom of the cup are rather bothersome
• Your parking spot has been relocated next to the hazardous waste disposal area
• Your big business dinner with out-of-town clients is scheduled for Billy Bob’s 24-Hour Truck Stop
• You notice seven pieces of mail in the “out box” with “addressee unknown” stamped on them
• Your NY-to-Miami trip involves six plane changes and a 12-hour layover in Guam
• Three guys slap you on the back and congratulate you on your affair with the boss’ trophy wife
Instructions For Giving Your Cat A Pill
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
12. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
14. Arrange for vet to make a house call.