Robot Chicken: Villain Car Pool
Jeb Bush’s 10-Point Plan On How Overworked Americans Should Work Longer Hours
This week, Jeb Bush said that in order to grow the economy, Americans should “work longer hours.” The U.S. is already the most overworked nation in the world, with the average American working 137 more hours per year than his/her Japanese counterpart and 499 more hours than the French. So where can we fit in this extra work that Jeb Bush wants us to do? Here’s a plan for us all to work until we die, via a man who was born a millionaire:
• Bring a few sandwiches to work on when you go to the break room at Quiznos
• Drive time is wasted time — scream some business ideas at other motorists as you pass them
• You can also maximize this time by becoming an Uber driver, to pick up fares as you drive between your first job and your second job
• Make missiles in your garage during the weekend so the government doesn’t have to spend so much on defense and can provide American workers with basic benefits
• Replace your seat at the conference room table with a toilet
• The time you spend in bed is money you could be making by prostituting your body — selling sex, in other words, as a kind of whore
• If you dig big holes for a job, you should spend more time digging bigger and deeper holes
• A good way to work longer hours is to start working when you’re a baby. To that end, we need baby-sized offices, with baby-sized cubicles and baby-sized water coolers
• If you have to go to a funeral, ask if the funeral home has Wi-Fi so you can fill out some spreadsheets on your laptop
• If you have children, never, ever listen to Harry Chapin’s“Cats in the Cradle”
Facebook In Real Life
For those of my older generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists.
Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.
I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
And it works.
I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.
Ways To Savagely Insult Someone Without Cursing
• This is why people talk about you when you’re not around
• Has anybody ever told you that you are incredibly average?
• I love how you state the obvious with such a sense of discovery
• If you’re about to insult a woman, tell her to go fix her eyebrows. It will HAUNT her
• My step cousin started a big feud with my sister on Facebook. She was being really immature so I replied with “Aren’t you like 40? What adult acts like this?” Knowing full well she is in her early 30′s.
• Nothing will infuriate someone more than to look at them with a little impatience in your eyes and say “are you done”?
• Well I would agree with you but then we’d both be wrong
• When I saw my 30 year old brother hit his son, I said to him “You’re just like Dad.” My Mom told me that for a whole week, my brother kept crying and saying “I’m not like Dad!” She said that I devastated him. I think she wanted me to apologize, but that didn’t happen.
• I’ve been called worse things by better people.
• Whenever someone throws a tantrum, I love to tell them: That is not an age appropriate response.
• You’re as bright as a black hole, and twice as dense.
• You’re not pretty enough to be this stupid.
• Them: “I feel sorry for you”
• You: “I don’t think about you at all”
• You do realize that people just tolerate you?
• I can’t imagine what qualities you may have that would compensate for your behavior in public
• I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you.
• I had a friend who played football against a set of identical twins, he lined up against one of them and says “Your brother’s ugly
• “Wow, you’ve really lived up to your potential.”
• “I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are.” (Should be said in an impassive/neutral tone, so they don’t quite realize what you’ve actually said to them until a few moments later.)
• I don’t care what people say about you. You’re alright.
• You should try eating some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside.
• Everyone who’s ever loved you was wrong
• Ah, so you’re the reason we have warning labels on everything.
The Black Bra
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here’s how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”
Sorry For The Delay
In Boston, our flight was delayed at the terminal for about an hour. When the plane finally taxied onto the runway, the captain came on the intercom to apologize.
Making light of the issue, he said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to apologize for the delay. It is crucial to the company that we provide the same service to all of our customers. The ground crew was on break, and we had to wait for them to return to insure that the right number of bags were sent to the wrong location.”
Three men are sitting stiffly, side-by-side, on a long commercial flight. After they’re airborne, and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice,
“Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons.”
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states, through a tight-lipped smile, “Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges.”
After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye, he proclaims,
“Master Chief Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.
During training exercises, the lieutenant, who was driving down a muddy back road, encountered another car stuck in the mud…with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.
“Your jeep stuck, sir?” asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
“Nope,” replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys.” Yours is.”
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk…when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone…and told the airman to enter. Then said into the phone, “Yes, General, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.” Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young, enlisted man, he asked, “What do you want?”
“Nothing important, sir,” the airman replied, “I’m just here to hook up your telephone.”
Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, SIR!”
“Well,” snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, “I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and urinate on my grave.”
“Not me, Chief!” the seaman replied. “Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand in line again!”
The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.
“You ‘ave been to Franzz before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.
“Zen, you should know enough to ‘ave your passport ready for inspection.”
The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”
“Impossible. You Americans alwayz ‘ave to show your passports on arrival in Franzz!”
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained, “Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in ’44, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to!”
A woman and a man are cuddling up in bed when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.
She is speaking in a cheery voice.
“Hi, I’m so glad you called………
I’m so happy for you…..
That sounds terrific……
She hangs up, and the man asks, “Who was that?”.
“Oh,” she replies, “that was my husband telling me about the great time he’s having on his golf trip with you”.
Improving Your Secretary
• Whenever possible, please keep us late. We have no homes to go to and are only too thankful to spend the evening here.
• Send us out to cash your checks and buy stamps in all weather. Walking is exhilarating and as we sit down all day, the exercise does us good.
• Do walk out of the office without telling us where you are going or how long you might be. We enjoy telling people who wish to contact you urgently that we have no idea where you are or when you will return.
• When dictating, please parade up and down the room and practice your golf strokes, or better still, walk out of the room. We can understand what is said more distinctly.
• Please lower your voice to a whisper when dictating names of people and places. Under no circumstances spell them to us. We are sure to hit the right way sooner or later.
• Hours for dictation: during the lunch hour, or any time after 4:30 p.m.
• Should you wish to write out a letter or report, please write with a blunt pencil using the left hand, and use plenty of arrows, balloons and other diagrams.
• If possible, always pick up your calls on your secretary’s phone. This ensures that we cannot pick up any other incoming calls, or do anything else with you leaning over or sitting on our desk.
• When you have given us a rush project, be sure to use your intercom line frequently, or call us at regular intervals of 60 seconds to ask us to get minor items and to go for coffee.
• If you are being paged, please ignore it. We usually have no particular reason for wanting to locate you and enjoy hunting you down or taking messages.
• Please do interrupt us while we are speaking on the telephone. We have two ears, so we might as well use both of them at the same time.
• Always be sure that if someone else walks up while we’re talking and interrupts that you allow them to. They obviously have something more important to say; besides that gives us time to think, permitting us to remind you where you left off.
High School Reunion
My husband and I were at my high school reunion.
As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits and their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that he weighed just five pounds more than he did when he was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, he said to me, “I’m the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated.”
I glanced at the prosperous, reunion crowd, then back at him, and said, “And you’re the only one who has to.”
Not The Sharpest Of Executives Is He?
For many years I worked as a receptionist and answering phones at a busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president. A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the raise. His reason? I clearly wasn’t doing my job. Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the phone.