Funniest Thing EVER on Whose Line Is It Anyway
Best of British Humor – Married Life
Twins (As of three weeks ago these are way too close to home)
With twins, the only thing worse than having no candy is having only one piece of candy.
When people look at my twins and ask if they’re identical, I say, “Sure, except for the penis on the boy. And every other thing about them.”
My 4 year old twins used to fight about who got to flush the toilet first. Now no one does. We’re going in the wrong direction.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Twinning is happening right now. Send in reinforcements!
“If each of my twins has one play date, how long will it take for me to lose my mind” is my version of common core math.
One of my twins is 3″ taller than the other and they have diff hair/eye colors, so when someone asks if they’re identical, I always say “yes”
My 7-year-old twins emphatically complimenting each other’s clothes, then I realized they were practicing their sarcasm.
T1: “We want separate cakes for our birthday.”
Me: “Ok, are they going to be different cakes?”
T2: “Nope. Both the same.”
The other day a stranger told me just wait till the start fighting….
Dude that started in the womb
Today’s the day! Right this very minute, those of us with twins are panicking about how the gift piles stack up against each other.
Having twins is like getting God’s permission to screw one up.
I’m a parent of twins, I don’t care about fair, I just want things to be even
There’s video of a woman in tears after an incident with a flight attendant, but she was flying with 15 month twins so she was probably crying already.
Both my twins are pitching a detective series where every single episode ends with the reveal that the other one did it.
The “no crust” thing was annoying with the twins, so we switched to rolls. Now mini me has decided ALL outer bread surfaces are “yucky skin”.
My twins have their own secret language…it’s mostly just swear words.
I’ve spent every second of every day since my twins were born trying to scheme how I can get back to sleep.
How to respond to the question “Are they twins?”…
Eventually, out of sheer desperation, I did once say yes, except for the genitalia.
“What? No, triplets. Oh shit.” *starts searching frantically*
My favorite was “I’m keeping one for spare parts”
“One is a stunt double”
“Yes. That one with the goatee is the evil one.”
“Wow, 3D printers can make photos look really realistic nowadays!”
My reaction was always “No, they’re triplets but we keep the ugly other one locked in the attic”
Somebody from a local charity is going over some files and realizes he hasn’t gotten any donations from the towns most successful lawyer. So the man calls the lawyer and says ”Our records show that you haven’t made any donations to us”.
Then the lawyer says ”well, did your records show that my mom is sick with bills three times her annual income, or that my sister’s husband died in an accident which left her penniless with three children, or that my brother is blind and has no money to pay for an aid or a nurse”. ‘
‘Ummmmm sorry” replied the man, ”I had no idea”.
Then the lawyer says ”So if I didn’t give any money to them why would I give any money to you?”
• If you are psychic – think “HONK”
• If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
• You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
• Don’t get me mad! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies!
• You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!
• Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
• My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
• Grow your own dope, plant a man.
• All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Wise Old Dude
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. “I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”
“I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”
How To Ask A Man To Do Something
Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging speech to two, three hours, max.
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn’t have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.
6. Use “would you” or “will you” instead of “you’d better” or “do as I say and no one will get hurt.”
I am coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out.
I’m in love with a boy who is far away from me.
As you know, I am in Australia … and he lives in Scotland.
We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook , had long chats on Whatsapp.
He proposed to me on Skype, and now we’ve had two months of a relationship through Viber.
My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.
Lots of love and thanks.
Your favorite daughter, Lilly
My Dear Lilly,
Like Wow! Really? Cool!
Whatever … I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.
And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.
Love, Your Dad
More Crazy Laws From California
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. And just how am I supposed to get 2000 sheep in my passenger seat?
It is illegal to own or sell “Silly String”. We don’t allow that funny stuff around here!
Toads may not be licked. Dam it! Now I’ll never find my prince charming!
You may not hunt moths under a street light. Because it’s just not sporting that way!
You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time. Yeh I don’t get this one either.
Zoot suits are prohibited. What’s a Zoot suit?
It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent. Well they couldn’t say all women; some of them are actually into that.
Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine. PERVERTS!
It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss. But taking her to a nice hotel is just fine.
The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250. Damn, they actually made a law that makes sense
Persons classified as “ugly” may not walk down any street. Do you really need a classification for that? Don’t people just know?
It is illegal to wipe one’s car with used underwear. What part of the car are you going to wipe?
You may not play percussion instruments on the beach. Wait a minute, let me just get that base drum out of my cooler.
Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times. All other streets you can get 20 points each.
Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. Well this is California yah know!
Man Of The House
A man had just finished reading the book “Man of the House” while commuting home from work. By the time he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, and said. “From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law! You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect you to present a scrumptious dessert. Then, after dinner, you are to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I am finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
“The funeral Director would be my guess,” She replied.
How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ‘ For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go’.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
On The Question Of Intelligence
“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”
- Groucho Marx
“His mind is so open – so open that ideas simply pass through it.”
- F. H. Bradley
“The stupid person’s idea of a clever person.”
- Elizabeth Bowen talking about Aldous Huxley
“Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.”
- Abbie Hoffman
“The only genius with an IQ of 60.”
- Gore Vidal talking about Andy Warhol
“A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind”
“Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today”
“Brains aren’t everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing”
“Don’t let you mind wander – it’s far too small to be let out on its own”
“He always finds himself lost in thought – it’s an unfamiliar territory”
“He doesn’t know the meaning of the word “fear” – but then again he doesn’t know the meaning of most words”
“I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works”
“I don’t think you are a fool, but what’s my opinion compared to that of thousands of others”
“He does the work of three men: Moe, Larry, & Curly”