Schoolhouse Rock! Presents: Double Negative Junction
A No-frills Airline
You’ll Know It’s a No-Frills Airline If:
• They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.
• All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
• Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
• If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
• You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
• Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
• The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
• When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
• The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
• You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, “Just once.”
• No movie. Don’t need one.
• Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
• You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.
• All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So, she continued upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. “Oh, mercy me”, the woman exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
The Four Cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, ‘T-square, do your stuff.’ T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, ‘Spreadsheet, do your stuff. ‘Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, ‘Measure, do your stuff.’ Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, ‘What can your cat do? ‘The Government Employee called his cat and said, ‘Coffee Break, do your stuff.’
Coffee Break jumped to his feet…….
Ate the cookies. …….
Drank the milk…….
Shit on the paper…….
screwed the other three cats…….
Claimed he injured his back while doing so…….
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions…….
Put in for Workers Compensation……………and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave…………
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT
Reasons To Allow Drinking At Work
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.
1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If someone does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
The Other Stall
This could happen to you!
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
‘Hi, how are you?’
I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don’t know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
‘Doing’ just fine!’
And the other person says:
‘So what are you up to?’
What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
‘Uhhh, I’m like you, just sitting here. ‘
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:
‘Can I come over?’
Ok, this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely end the conversation.. I say:
‘No……..I’m a little busy right now!!!’
Then I hear the person say, nervously:
‘Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!’
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as ‘HILLBILLIES.’
You must now refer to them as ‘APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS’.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a ‘BABE’ or a ‘CHICK’ – She is a ‘BREASTED AMERICAN.’
2. She is not ‘EASY’ – She is ‘HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.’
3. She is not a ‘DUMB BLONDE’ – She is a ‘LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.’
4. She has not ‘BEEN AROUND’ – She is a ‘PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.’
5. She does not ‘NAG’ you – She becomes ‘VERBALLY REPETITIVE.’
6. She is not a ‘TWO-BIT HOOKER’ – She is a ‘LOW COST PROVIDER.’
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a ‘BEER GUT’ – He has developed a ‘LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.’
2 He is not a ‘BAD DANCER’ – He is ‘OVERLY CAUCASIAN.’
3. He does not ‘GET LOST ALL THE TIME’ – He ‘INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.’
4. He is not ‘BALDING’ – He is in ‘FOLLICLE REGRESSION.’
5. He does not act like a ‘TOTAL ASS’ – He develops a case of ‘RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.’
6. It’s not his ‘CRACK’ you see hanging out of his pants – It’s ‘REAR CLEAVAGE.’
Never Choke In A Restaurant In The South
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back t o the bar.
His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’
Ten Signs That You’re At A Bad Zoo
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.
2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.
3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.
5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.
6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida’s Mascot.
7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.
8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you’re suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.
9. The elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.
10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
Crazy California Laws
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. So how much are you going to fine the animal for that?
Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants. I understand the elephant part but why the snails, and what the hell is a sloth?
Bathhouses are against the law. As long as there co-ed, I haven’t got a problem with it
In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs. Those lizards and snakes were being discriminated against!
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. But 59 mph with no one behind the wheel is ok?
Women may not drive in a house coat. Or any other clothes! Women must drive naked! It’s the law!
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. Yeh, cause those whales keep taking all the best parking spots.
You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit. If you do we have the right the paint it pink with cute little purple pokkadots!
Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. I don’t agree with this one. If you can pull it off then go ahead.
City Council order reads: “No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.” As to how the dog is supposed to get a leash around it’s master they don’t say.
You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. If you only have one cow you’re just not a cowboy and that’s final!
Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor) I guess Dirty Harry never gave a ticket for littering.
Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits. It gives men ideas!
Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine. Just outside the city limits is ok!
It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995). And you thought all these crazy laws were passed way back when.
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH #1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bed room in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman) ‘YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ‘ THEM SENIORS!!!!!
And remember: Don’t make old ladies mad. They don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to set them off