Error Messages That Will Tell You When Computers Have Gotten Too Smart
• “That URL was not found because frankly, I didn’t try hard enough.”
• “If you continue to type that way, you’ll get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.”
• “The Server is not really down, its just mildly depressed.”
• “Normally, I would complain but I’ll let that rough USB insertion slide this time.”
• “Don’t worry, I’ll clean up that beer stain.”
• “Its not a virus…its a STD (System Transmitted Disease).”
• “Remember Einstein, its point then click, point then click.”
• “That General Protection Fault is not yours.”
• “You’re using MS Word 2003 and that’s a weenie version so why don’t I upgrade you for free?”
• “I hate to tell you this but you have already seen that version of the Pamela Anderson video… may I suggest another?”
A guy with a Doberman pinscher asks his friend who has a Chihuahua if he wants to grab a bite to eat.
The man with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go into a restaurant. We’ve got dogs with us.”
“Just follow my lead,” assures the other man.
They walk over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses before entering.
When he gets inside, the doorman says, “Sorry sir, no pets allowed.”
To which the man replies, “It’s OK, this is my seeing eye dog.”
“A Doberman?” the confused host asks.
“Yes, they’re using them now. They’re really quite good.”
The host shrugs and says, “Come on in.”
Next, the guy with the Chihuahua decides to give it a try, so he puts on his sunglasses and walks in.
The host stops him immediately and says, “Sorry guy, no pets allowed.”
“You don’t understand. This is my seeing eye dog,” the man replies.
The host says, “Oh, come on, a Chihuahua?”
At which point the man yells, “They gave me a Chihuahua?!”
The Top 10 Signs You Have A Bad History Teacher
• Constantly gets Indonesia and Outdonesia confused.
• As incentive for learning, when you name a state capital, you get to take a shot.
• Insists that one of Popes during the Roman Empire was Pope Bubba.
• Thinks that Mussolini was Hitler’s favorite pasta.
• Counts Puerto Rico, Mexico and Canada as “technically” U.S. States.
• Tells you that it’s Napoleon that’s the ice cream that comes in 3 flavors in one box.
• Insists that the Great Depression could have been stopped with the right amount of Lithium.
• Threatens to reenact Salem Witch Trials/Burnings if homework is not turned in on time.
• Claims that it was Martin and Lewis that were the great explorers of the West.
• Credits David Hasselhoff and not Democracy for the fall of the Berlin Wall.
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.
The lab tech says to him, “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.”
“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” asked Mr. Smith.
“Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
“The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”
More Dumb News Headlines
Now these guys were just trying to be stupid!
• March Planned For Next August
• Blind Bishop Appointed To See
• Lingerie Shipment Hijacked–Thief Gives Police The Slip
• L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
• Patient At Death’s Door–Doctors Pull Him Through
• Latin Course To Be Canceled–No Interest Among Students, Et Al.
• Diaper Market Bottoms Out
• Croupiers On Strike–Management: “No Big Deal”
• Stadium Air Conditioning Fails–Fans Protest
• Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
• Women’s Movement Called More Broad-Based
• Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store
• Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• Fund Set Up for Beating Victim’s Kin
• Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man
• Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
• Autos Killing 110 a Day–Let’s Resolve to Do Better
• 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
• War Dims Hope For Peace
• Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
• Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn’t Seen in Years
Are You a Real Guy?
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
c. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Michael Corleone and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
a. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: “I am just dislodging food trapped in this male’s trachea! I am not in any way aroused!”)
c. If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) He is legally within the base path, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to…
a. …remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. …reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. …tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s disease and cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy — you’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers — when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
b. “They’re in school already?”
c. “There are three of them?”
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody — and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife — is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
12. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?
b. Walking on the moon.
c. Remote control.
How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer “c.” A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.
I Need To Leave Work Early Because…
1. My kids are locked outside.
2. My kids are locked inside.
3. My kids are stuck in the door.
4. I have to pick on my kids.
5. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.
6. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha make cookies. She’s much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.
7. The water company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
8. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
9. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up the blood stains.
10. My daughter is graduating from high school and I’d like to go to the ceremony.
11. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I’d like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #10).
12. I have to pick up my car at the shop. If I don’t get there in half an hour it’ll be locked up all weekend.
13. I have to get my car to the shop. If I don’t get it there in half an hour it’ll be locked out all weekend. (Don’t use if boss seems wide awake).
14. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
15. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
16. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
17. My truss snapped.
18. My support hose popped.
19. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
20. I’m arranging financing for a house.
21. I’m arranging financing for a car.
22. I’m arranging financing for a beef roast.
23. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
24. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
25. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it’s being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can’t be used by just anybody. But if it’s close to accurate, it’s extremely effective.
Educational Tips From 70s And 80s TV
Television has always had its share of out-there plots, weird characters and completely unbelievable moments. I got to thinking, what would it be like if someone my age had never gone to school, but instead had been raised by watching TV. Here are a few of the ways he might believe the world works.
1. I learned that it is possible to fire millions of rounds of ammo and throw several thousand grenades over the course of several years and never actually hit anybody with a bullet or wound anyone with flying shrapnel.
2. I learned that it is possible to afford said ammo and grenades without holding down a regular job and without charging half of the people who hire you for your mercenary services because they are too poor to pay you for it.
3. I learned that if you are a bad guy it is never a good idea to lock the A-Team into a garage well stocked with sheet metal and acetylene torches.
4. I learned that you can turn your regular old cargo van into an assault van (non-lethal, of course) with a ceiling fan, some plywood and a couple of wood screws.
5. I learned that being certifiably insane doesn’t necessarily preclude you from getting a helicopter pilot’s license.
6. I learned that large, scary men who are afraid of flying can be easily (and repeatedly) tricked into drinking drugged milk so that you can get them on an airplane.
1. I learned that guns don’t solve anything, but that highly explosive bombs made out of light bulbs, duct tape and various household cleaners do.
2. I learned that Richard Dean Anderson is about the only person in the world who looks cool wearing a mullet.
3. I learned that being an environmental activist and driving a gas-guzzling Jeep are not necessarily mutually exclusive.
The Dukes of Hazzard
1. I learned that hot women in short shorts can make boys as young as 6 feel a little funny in their nether regions.
2. I learned that Deputy Enos’ parents hated him. Why else would they have named him Enos?
3. I learned that mayoral corruption is a lucrative business as evidenced by the vast number of squad cars Boss Hogg had to buy over the years.
4. I learned that they make really heavy duty shock absorbers and car frames down in Hazzard County for every vehicle except police cars.
5. I learned that Uncle Jesse must have had a ton of brothers seeing as how Bo, Luke, Daisy and the two guys who filled in for Bo and Luke for awhile were all cousins to each other, none of them were Uncle Jesse’s kids and all of them had the last name of Duke.
6. I learned that apparently, all of Uncle Jesse’s brothers (and their wives) were either short-lived or they (and their wives) were deadbeat parents because none of them ever made an appearance in Hazzard County.
7. I learned that distilling and smuggling moonshine is a good, clean way to bond with your relatives.
1. I learned that it is socially acceptable for a straight man to wear eye makeup as long as he drives a talking Trans Am.
2. I learned that if you ever own a talking car, never buy one with a British accent because no matter what it says it will always sound condescending.
Star Trek: The Next Generation
1. I learned that in the future no one will ever need to use the bathroom.
2. I learned that at some point between the time of Captain James T. Kirk and Captain Jean Luc Picard the Klingons experienced some sort of horrible accident which caused their entire race to develop large ridges in their noses and foreheads.
1. I learned that it is never a good idea to jump a shark on water skis, even if you are wearing a leather jacket at the time. It’s not about safety people, it’s about ludicrousness.
2. I learned that it isn’t creepy at all (or illegal for that matter) for a man in his thirties to have sex with numerous high school girls as long as he is able to start up a jukebox by snapping his fingers.
3. I learned that Mr. Miyagi’s first name is actually Arnold and that before he taught martial arts to a certain baby-faced 30-year old who still lived with his mother, he was a restaurant owner/short-order cook.
1. I learned that it is possible for a man to effectively fight crime while wearing extremely small (some might say testicle-endangeringly small) shorts, flip-flops and a baseball cap.
2. I learned that it is possible to have a mustache and leave your shirt unbuttoned to the navel, exposing your hairy chest in all its Selleck-y glory and not look like a washed up, 70’s era porno actor.
The Cosby Show
1. I learned that if you make enough money, you can wear whatever ugly sweaters you want to without being mocked by anyone.
2. I learned that it is possible for previously unmentioned Huxtable children to suddenly show up after several seasons without any kind of credible explanation of where they’ve been nor any indication of some kind of past family squabbles that would have kept them away for so long.
3. I learned that it is possible, though rare, for really young sitcom children to be funny and cute without crossing over into sickly sweet and annoying…although that got screwed up when they brought Raven/Symone onto the show.
4. I learned that hilarity will ensue if you have dangerously high cholesterol, but you ignore it and frequently sneak massive hoagies and potato chips when your wife isn’t around.
Little House On The Prairie
1. I learned what the word “bastard” means. Absolutely true story: Having heard “bastard” used on “Little House On The Prairie” I figured it wasn’t a bad word so I jokingly called my little brother that at the dinner table in front of my mother and she almost fainted. When she had composed herself she grilled me about where I had heard that word and then explained to me what it meant. Darn you Michael Landon for getting me in trouble and making me learn something in the process!
2. I learned that I should avoid any and all blonde girls named Nellie, as well as their mothers.
3. I learned that, over time, Half-Pints can eventually grow into Gallon Jugs. Giggidy.
1. I learned that it is possible to sit at the end of a bar for ten years while drinking copious amounts of beer and never have to pay your tab. (Would anyone who knows where this bar really exists email me the street address.)
2. I learned that owning/operating a bar is the best thing a recovering alcoholic can do on his road to sobriety.
3. I learned that Woody probably wasn’t as dumb as he seemed; he was just stoned out of his mind most of the time.
4. I learned that leaving one of the all-time greatest, most popular and most critically acclaimed sitcoms in television history to star in “Troop Beverly Hills” is not the smartest of career moves.
Things To Do On A Bad Blind Date
Is there such a thing as a good one?
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted “Most Festerous” for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date’s neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don’t know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at women’s legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date’s plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
You Might Have Red Neck Health Insurance If…
1. Your local ambulance is a mule driven buckboard with a spinning lantern.
2. Nurses wear flour sacks for uniforms.
3. Dogs hang around the local hospital’s O.R. for scraps.
4. Maternity Room is a do-it-yourself with fresh straw, a jack knife and a string.
5. The anesthesiologist is in bib, overalls, and feeds you a clear liquid out of a mason jar.
6. Your Gynecologist is Ernest.
7. Your Proctologist, who watched Deliverance 200 times, asks you if can squeal like a pig.
8. The surgical instruments at your local hospital include a stick of dynamite and a chain saw.
9. Immunizations are worn fanny-packs, full of lizard’s feet, owl’s beaks and pig’s ears.
10. Double By-Pass Surgery is only done when it’s shown on The Learning Channel.
11. You have a choice of walkers, with or without a gun rack.
12. You share the Recovery Room with a sick cow.
13. The bill is figured either in dollars or chickens.
14. Hospital food consists of picking your own corn on the roof.