The Wife Song by Tim Hawkins
Best DUI Stop Ever
If Companies Had Realistic Slogans What Would They Be?
1. McDonald’s: We make you fat and stupid.
2. Facebook: Privacy? What privacy?
3. Google: All Your Data Belongs To Us.
4. Jaguar: For men who’d like hand jobs from beautiful women they hardly know.
5. Hummer: For drivers whose concerns about adequacy dwarf their concerns about mileage.
6. British Petroleum: Yeah, We’re Sorry. What Are You Gonna Do About It?
7. Fukushima: Yeah, We’re Sorry. What Are You Gonna Do About It?
8. Exxon: Yeah, We’re Sorry. What Are You Gonna Do About It?
9. AT&T: We’re too big to care.
10. Archer Daniels Midland: We brag about extracting vitamin C from corn. We then sell you quasi-food products made from corn that lacks vitamin C, as well as vitamin C supplements at a considerable mark-up.
11. YouTube – Don’t read the comments…No, seriously. Just don’t.
12. White Castle: It’s Food….Technically.
13. Trojan: Keeping child support payments in your pocket since 1950
14. Ticketmaster: We deserve our cut because we said so.
15. Taco Bell… for when you found some change in the couch cushions while you were looking for the lighter.
16. Denny’s: Because its 2 am, you’re drunk, and you need pancakes.
17. Comcast: Only in business because of localized monopolies.
18. Tesla: Told you so.
19. Google: You know we’re just a step away from creating Skynet.
20. 1 800 Flowers: The cheapest way to say you remembered your anniversary an hour ago.
21. Facebook: Privacy is overrated.
22. Subway: Tricking you into high calorie meals for years.
23. Target: We’re what would happen if Wal-Mart got its shit together
24. Best Buy: Yes we know it’s the Amazon showroom
25. Mountain Dew: Because who really needs teeth?
26. Gamestop: We’ll give you 6 bucks for that 60 dollar game you bought yesterday
27. NetFlix – Wait, don’t go! Arrested Development!
Good Reasons For A Guy To Stay Single
You won’t have to explain why you’re wearing “that” shirt with “those” pants.
You can leave the toilet seat in any position you damn well please.
You can actually tell the bartender, “If anyone calls, I’m here”.
You’ll be painting the town instead of the house.
When you get home after work, you don’t have to start work again.
You could actually show your girlfriend where you live.
You’d be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.
The only weeds you’d be concerned with are the ones you’re rolling.
You would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.
You wouldn’t catch so much grief about those skid-marks in your underwear.
You’d get to see what your paycheck looks like.
You’d get to see what your credit cards look like.
You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week!
Going to a strip club doesn’t have to be a covert mission.
Bachelors don’t have Mother-in-laws.
You wouldn’t have to watch sub-titled French films.
You could home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.
You can use your own name at hotels.
You wouldn’t have a driving instructor grading you every time you go somewhere.
And finally, when asked his opinion, a single guy can still say “Hell yes, those pants make you look fat!” (of course, he’ll never score though)
25 Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard
25. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
24. Kirk never really got into that kinky “Jumpsuit” look.
23. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
22. One Word: Hair.
21. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
20. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
19. Kirk doesn’t wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
18. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
17. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
16. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
15. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
14. When Kirk was Picard’s age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
13. Kirk’s first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
12. Kirk doesn’t rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
11. Ever hear of a bar shooter called “Make it so?” No? How about a “Beam me up Scotty” then? See the difference?
10. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
9. Picard hasn’t fathered any children; Kirk — probably millions.
8. Kirk has a cool phaser — not some pansy Braun mix-master.
7. Two Words: Line Delivery.
6. Kirk’s bridge is not beige.
5. Picard likes wimpy violin music — and coerces Data into playing it.
4. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
3. Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
2. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
1. When Kirk says “Boldly Go,” he MEANS it!
A Beijing, China Hotel Brochure
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.”
Things In Football That Sound Dirty But Aren’t
- The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
- He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
- He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
- It’s a game of inches.
- That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
- When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
- He’s gonna feel that one tomorrow.
- He found his tight end.
- End around.
- He had to stretch to get it in.
- He gets penetration in the backfield.
- He blows them off (at the line).
- He bangs it in.
- He could go all the way.
- He gets it off just in time.
- He goes deep.
- He found a hole and slid through it.
- He pounds it in.
- He beats them off (the line)
- He’s got great hands
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed.
The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Management Audit Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate the loss and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing.
So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised for a winner. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichment’s through this quality program.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses.
Once again The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by circumcised men.
Ways To Get Rid Of Your Blind Date
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted “Most Festerous” for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date’s neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don’t know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the place mat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at women’s’ legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date’s plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
Top 10 Rejected Surgeon General’s Warnings
10. SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Smoking cigarettes while masturbating could cause personal injury. Recommend taking a class to adequately prepare for such a task.
9. SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Don’t take this fine print too seriously; the feds make us print it.
8. SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: 100% pure tax.
7. SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: No matter how hard you try, you’ll never look as cool as Bogart.
6. SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: This cigarette mascot has phallic facial features.
5. SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Smoking during pregnancy can cause your baby to look like Gilbert Gottfried.
4. SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: If you actually wear the free clothing you get from collecting multiple empty cigarette packs, you will look like a moron.
3. SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: The Surgeon General has determined that cigarette smoking may cause women to look like cheap, sleazy sluts.
2. SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Keith Richards is a fluke.
1. SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: The Surgeon General has determined that smoking can cause you to lead a pathetic existence sitting in a smelly designated smoking area at your job, freezing your cajones off in the middle of winter.
Way More Ways To Annoy People
1. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks
2. When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained
3. Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One”
4. As much as possible, skip rather than walk
5. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read
6. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles
7. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it
8. Drive half a block
9. Name your dog “Dog”
10. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination
11. Ask people what gender they are
12. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray
13. Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes
14. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol
15. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers’ brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies’ “Sugar” or the Mr
16. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet
17. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day
18. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up
19. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September
20. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down
21. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance
22. Ask to “interface” with someone
23. Sing along at the opera
24. Mow your lawn with scissors
25. At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!”
26. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend”
27. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook
28. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as “sticky wicket isn’t cricket
29. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture”