Why Women Have Handbags
Top Signs You Have A Drinking Problem
1. Beer: it’s not just for breakfast anymore.
2. The glass keeps missing your mouth.
3. When you feel that beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
4. When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
5. Vampires get woozy after biting you.
6. The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
7. At AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
8. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
9. When vomiting becomes a relief.
10. Having a hard time staying on the side walk – left, right, stumble, fall
11. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
12. Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
13. You think, Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
14. Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more attractive.
15. Hi ocifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.
16. Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
17. No ocifer, I’m not drunk… you’re just sober…
18. Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down….No Problem
19. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
20. Take me drunk, I’m home!
Funny Outgoing Phone Messages
This is not an answering machine – this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.
Hello. This is Ron’s answering machine, Marvin, and I’m so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don’t talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep. God, how I hate that beep, it’s so cheery sounding.
Hi, this is Ron’s answering machine again. He’s gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Crazy Eddy’s. Life sucks.
We are Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. But we’re not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we’ll assimilate you later.
You have reached 555-1212. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in “as-is” condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don’t return your call, it means the machine did not work.
Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done … (Cachunk!)
Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, this is Sid. I’ve got a puppy in one hand and a Smith & Wesson .38 in the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it.
50 Fun Things To Do In A Final That Doesn’t Matter
- Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, “Oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
- Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”
- If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
- Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
- Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m sooo sure you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
- Bring cheerleaders.
- Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand any of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the heck are you? Where’s the regular guy?”
- Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. …). Play with the volume at max level.
- On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
- Bring pets.
- Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say, “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.
- Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out, “Merry Christmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
- Do the exam with crayons, paint or fluorescent markers.
- Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head and nothing else.
- Come down with a bad case of Tourette’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
- Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
- Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
- As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
- Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
- Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
- Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
- Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc. …).
- Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
- Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out, “%$#@ this!” and walk out triumphantly.
- Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e., threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).
- Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
- Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. Duh!”
- Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
- Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling, “I’m here, the phantom of the opera,” until they drag you away.
- Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
- Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say, “You don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”
- Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
- From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
- Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
- If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
- Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.
- Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
- Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious … like history notes for a calculus exam … otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment, “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”
- When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
- After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
- One word: Wrestlemania.
- Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
- Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
- Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
- Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
- Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
- During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
- Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
- Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say, “It helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase, “Told you so.”
- Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks.”
The town gossip (and supervisor of the town’s morals) recently accused a local man of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town’s only bar.
The man stared at her for a moment, said nothing, and walked away.
Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I love to fill out stupid questions on forms with equally stupid answers.
Thought I’d share a few with you:
Form: Length of Residence:
My Answer: 62 Feet
Form: Are you a leader or a follower?
My Answer: A leader, but w/o many followers
Form: Reason for requesting employment
My Answer: To earn Money
Form: Pet Aversions
My Answer: None, I love animals
My Answer: Wife
My Answer: Strained
Form: Purpose of withdrawal
My Answer: Get money to spend
Form: Person to notify in Case of Accident
My Answer: Anyone in sight
Form: Number of passengers in vehicle during accident
My Answer: Three
Form: Disposition of passengers
My Answer: Mad as Hell!
Form: Number of employees in your office, broken down by sex
My Answer: None that I know of; Liquor a much larger problem
He Said, She Said
He said “Shall we try swapping positions tonight?”
She said “That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!”
He said “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?”
She said “Turn sideways and look in the mirror!”
He said “How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?”
She said “We don’t know, it has never happened.”
He said “Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
She said “They already have boyfriends.”
He said “What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?”
She said “A widow.”
He said “Why are married women heavier than single women?”
She said “Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.”
Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day is observed – namely, tradition. A lot of managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it’s Monday.
This type of meeting operates the way “Show and Tell” does in school, with everyone getting to say something; the difference being that in school, the kids actually have something to say.
When it’s your turn, you say that you’re still working on whatever it is you’re supposed to be working on. This may seem pretty lame; since obviously you’d be working on whatever you’re supposed to be working on, and even if you weren’t, you’d claim you were.
It would be faster if the person running the meeting would say, “Everyone who is still working on what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand.” You’d be out of there in five minutes.
Meetings where there is some alleged purpose are trickier. What you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office and put it in the recycle bin.
Unless, of course, you’re a “wheel” (aka “Senior Manager”), in which case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed by a question mark, like this: “Bill?” Then you send it to Bill and forget all about it.
Sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your input on something. This is very serious because it means they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid or fatal, you get some of the blame, so you have to escape from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything.
You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad. At the top, write the date and underline it twice.
Now, wait until an important person, such as your boss, starts talking. When he does, look at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though he is revealing the secrets of life itself. Then take notes in a semi-frantic manner.
Upon returning to your office, be sure to place the notes in the “colored paper” recycle bin.
At the conclusion of any meeting, be sure to offer “congrats” to whomever conducted the thing and say that they’ve given you a lot to consider. (Like how in the hell to avoid the next one).
How To Speak Southern
How To Speak Southern
Hah Tu Spek Suthun)
BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”
JAWJUH – noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.”
MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts.”
IGNERT – adjective. Not smart. See “Auburn Alumni.”
Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”
RANCH – noun. A tool.
Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”
ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”
FAR – noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh doesn’t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”
BAHS – noun. A supervisor.
Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!”
TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn’t
git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”
TIRE – noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willing and the creeks don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”
HOT – noun. A blood-pumping organ.
Usage: “I think I’m having a hot attack!”
HOD – adverb. Not easy.
Usage: “A broken hot is hod to fix.”
RETARD – Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My granpaw retard at age 65.”
TARRED – adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: “I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.”
RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.”
LOT – adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: “I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair.”
FARN – adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”
DID – adjective. Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”
EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: “He can’t breathe … give ‘em some ear!”
BOB WAR – noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”
JU-HERE – a question.
Usage: “Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys’ coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?”
HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert.”
SEED – verb, past tense.
Usage: “Ya’ll seed Jimmy Johnson?”
VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”
HEAVY DEW – phrase. A request for action.
Usage: “Kin I heavy dew me a favor?”
GUMMIT – Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdown!”
Star Trek Future
There are so many Star Trek spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and sexuality of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
On Star Trek, the doctors have hand held devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends.
They would sneak up behind you and seal anything shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I’m happy that it’s not easy to close other people’s orifices.
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker to operate the transporter.
These are the same people who won’t add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop. I don’t think they’ll be double-checking the transporter coordinates. They’ll be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies.
If I could beam things from one place to another, I’d never leave the house. I’d sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house.
I’m fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I’d beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I’d beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor’s garage.
I’d never worry about “Keeping up with the Joneses” because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands.
There’s only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.
For those of you who only watched the “old” Star Trek, the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from work.
This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I’d close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.
Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren’t enough holodecks to go around, I’d get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I’d feel tense about it, but that’s exactly why I’d need a massage.
Sex with Aliens
According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It’s hard enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids.
One wrong move and you’re suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for who-knows-what.
This could only add to performance anxiety. You would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a galactic-sized mistake. The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward.
I don’t have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically, the future won’t be that convenient.