Robin Williams Birthday July 21, 1951
Robin Williams, remembered: A video tribute
• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
• There is no vaccine against stupidity.
• I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
• I’d like to leave you with one thought, but I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it!
• I’d love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
• I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.
• He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.
• He is the kind of a man that you could use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
• If you were my dog, I’d shave your butt and teach you to walk backwards.
“Hello. This is Bell Atlantic-Nynex-MCI-TCI-America Online customer service. May I help you?”
“Yes, I’d like to report a problem with my telephone.”
“Our records show you don’t have local phone service through us.”
“How’d you know who I am? I didn’t give you my name.”
“We have ways.”
“Well, I’m pretty sure you have my phone service.”
“Our records show you have long-distance, cellular, satellite TV, Internet access and your MasterCard through us. Your phone service must be through one of the other three big communications companies. Have you looked at your bill?”
“My bill is 134 pages long.”
“Oh, you’re one of our light users. But we’d be happy to become your local phone provider. If you sign up, you get one-third off long-distance calls made on your cellular phone to friends and family members who have an Internet home page.”
“It’s tempting, but I just want my phone fixed.”
“Fine, sir. Just a reminder: Next time you need to contact us, try our Internet site. And when you get there, you can sign up for a free showing, through your satellite TV system, of Hamlet starring Bell Atlantic-Nynex-MCI-TCI-America Online CEO Ray Smith.”
Click…. Dial… Ring…
“Good morning! This is SBC-Pacific Telesis-Sprint-GTE-Little Caesars.”
“Little Caesars? You do pizza?”
“You buy it over phone lines. It’s content. Would you like one? You get a medium with two toppings when you order HBO on cable.”
“Uh, no. I called because my phone line isn’t working right.”
“I see. Do you have your phone over your cable line or do you have your phone over a phone line.”
“A phone line, I think.”
“OK, then that’s not SBC-Pacific Telesis-Sprint-GTE-Little Caesars. My file shows that you get cable TV and video games on demand from us, but in your area, we only offer phone service over cable lines. If you use a phone line, it must be one of the other companies.”
“Thanks. I’ll call them.”
“And sir? We’re testing some new products in your area. We’re offering electric service and natural gas service for 10% less
than the public utilities. One-stop shopping. We want to provide you with everything that comes into your house and connects to a device or appliance.”
“No, thanks. Bye.”
Click…. Dial… Ring…
“Hello. Endorphin Enterprises.”
“I’m sorry. I must have dialed the wrong number.”
“You’re probably in the right place. We just changed our name. We used to be US West-UUNet-Universal Pictures-Ameritech, but that got pretty cumbersome. I guess they wanted to call it UUUUPA, but then decided to start fresh. So we’re Endorphin Enterprises.”
“Personally, I thought we should call ourselves Youse Guys. Get it?”
“Yeah, that’s good. Um, I was calling because my phone line doesn’t seem to work right.”
“Ohhhhh. What services do you have with us?”
“I’m not sure.”
“We offer everything: local, long-distance, cellular, cable TV, satellite TV, Internet access, music on demand and so on. But so does everybody else these days.”
“Yes, well, it’s gotten a little confusing. I’ve already called those two other companies with long names.”
“Oh, right. OK, see, it looks like you don’t have anything at all with us. Now, we could make your life easier by giving you all the services so you’d know who to call. Except in your area, we only offer movies on demand over the Internet, so that could be a problem.”
“No, really, I just want to get my phone fixed.”
“My guess is you must have your local phone service through AT&T. That’s the only other company left in the business.”
“OK, I’ll try AT&T.”
Click…. Dial… Ring…
“Hello. AT&T. Bob Allen speaking.”
“Bob Allen? The chairman? I’m sorry. I wanted customer service.”
“No problem. Hold on a moment.”
Pause… Rustling sounds.
“Hello. Customer service. Bob Allen speaking.”
“Mr. Allen, I really just wanted customer service.”
“This is it. We spun off everything but my office. It goes totally against the megamerger trend. Our shareholders love it. I’m getting paid $55 billion this year.”
“Well, sir, my phone line doesn’t work right, and I think I need someone to come fix it.”
“Be right there… as soon as I can find my tool belt.”
Corporate Employment Ad Translator
Employees may wear jeans every other Friday
We’ll pay ya whatever the hell we feel like
2.5% more than your last job & not one penny more
Ten cents above minimum wage
We’ll take the lowest bidder
“Salary, Range $24,000 to $42,000”:
The salary is $24,000 — Period!
“Salary, Submit requirements”:
We’ll all have a good laugh, then go on from there
The most powerful position in any company
Management responsibilities & migrant worker wages
You do all the work while ”Perry Mason” talks on the phone
“Secretary, Public Relations Specialist”:
Must deal with territorial co-workers prone to violence
Yet another Mother of all crummy jobs
Crazies acceptable — no druggies
Dating ads for seniors found in a Florida Newspaper. You can say what you want about Florida , but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in ”The Villages” Florida newspaper. Who says seniors don’t have a sense of humor?
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80′s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and Meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, Take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads Together.
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.
Yet More Funny Signs
On a desk in a reception room:
“We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left.”
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
“Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”
In a funeral parlor:
“Ask about our layaway plan.”
On a shopping mall marquee:
“Archery Tournament — Ears pierced”
Outside a country shop:
“We buy junk and sell antiques.”
In the window of an Oregon store:
“Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”
In a Maine restaurant:
“Open 7 days a week and weekends.”
On a radiator repair garage:
“Best place to take a leak.”
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
“Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”
On the grounds of a public school:
“No trespassing without permission.”
On a Tennessee highway:
“When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
“If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.”
And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, “Do not throw stones at this sign.”
Darwin Awards Mottos
God’s Great Banana Peel – Charles Darwin
Nature’s UNDO key. – Rich Fellows
Natural Contraception. – Gary Townend
Somebody peed in the gene pool. – Rich Hart
Stupidity is self-correcting. – Dusty Brown
Death cures insomnia. – Jane Hormone
Natural Deselection – Compton Jones
Ultimately, we are the solution to our own stupidity.
A “drive to survive” the size of a lemming’s…
The gene pool just got a little shallower…
Fame is fleeting, but dumb is forever.
Evidence that God is still in charge.
Things that make you say, “Hmmm.”
Darwin’s Rake Hard at Work.
“If I only had a brain…”
Candy for a sick mind.
Dead No-Wits Society
Another Sap from the Tree of Life – T. Agosti
“Thinning the Herd”
Evolution is not an option; It’s mandatory! -Mr. E
“Guilty of the charge of ‘felony stupid’!”
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action. -Walter Kerr
What people call fate is mostly their own stupidity. – Arthur Schopenhauer
There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence. - Henry Adams
There are more fools in the world than there are people. – Heinrich Heine
…and an anti-motto:
“It is not clear that intelligence has any long-term survival value.” – Stephen Hawking
Mind Games Dogs Can Play With Humans
To the Viewer:
This message is intended for dogs only!
If you have not yet taught your dog how to read, please read it to them.
After your humans give you a bath, Don’t let them towel dry you! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your humans’ bedtime.
Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then, when the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they’re talking about.
Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go “pee”, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go “poo”. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag or scooper. Bonus points for well manicured lawns — double points if the property owner is sitting on his porch.
When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by. Look as if you’re being mistreated, search the stranger’s eyes seeking pity.
Make your own rules. Don’t always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don’t greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don’t reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door, look around frequently as if danger is lurking and you just want to protect your human.
Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)
Have fun playing with your human!
They make such interesting pets.
Signs You Don’t Have Enough To Do At Work
• You find yourself looking forward to your next random drug test
• You’ve already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar
• You pick up the phone to make sure it’s working
• You find yourself actually hoping for some e-mail about anything
• You’ve actually figured out a way to get Gilligan off that island
• You read the Bulletin Board looking for “Break-Thru” teams to join
• People only come into your office to borrow pencils from your ceiling
• You back up your hard drive, daily
• All pencils, pens and markers are arranged according to height and color
• You check the supply closet to see what new stuff has come in
• You have already checked out all of the New and What’s Hot sites on the Net
• Calendar item: Tuesday 8:00am — Discuss Soap Opera at the water cooler
• You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces image of Elvis
• You see how many Pepsi’s you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs
• You’re actually half-way thru reading this month’s “Total Quality Newsletter”
• The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry on your desk
• You no longer photocopy your butt — you scan it and enhance it with PhotoShop
• You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarves
The Person Who Makes Your Life Worth Living
One New Year’s Eve the owner of the local bar stood up and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
What happened next was kind of embarrassing.
The poor bartender was almost crushed to death.
A sign posted in Germany’s Black forest:
“It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.”
In a Zurich hotel:
“Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.”
In and advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
“Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.”
In a Rome laundry:
“Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.”
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
“Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages.”
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
“Would you like to ride on your own ass?”
In a Bangkok temple:
“It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.”
In a Tokyo bar:
“Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.”
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
“We take your bags and send them in all directions.”
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
“If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.”
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
“ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.”
In a Budapest zoo:
“Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.”
In the office of a Roman doctor:
“Specialist in women and other diseases.”
In an Acapulco hotel:
“The manager has personally passed all the water served here.”
In a Tokyo shop:
“Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.”
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
“Cools and Heats: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.”
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
“When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.”
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
“- English well talking.”
“- Here speeching American.”