Jimmy Talks to Kids About Driving and Money
Heartless Things To Say In The Ladies Dressing Room
1. That’s a bit expensive just for a dare isn’t it?
2. I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths yesterday.
3. Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were a man…
4. I had a dress like that. My boyfriend made me throw it away because he said it made me look fat.
5. Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your pimples.
6. Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me? Yes, YOU!
7. Look, if you’re that desperate to attract a man I’ll fix you up myself
8. Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don’t. Is the plain, severe and drab’ look in this season?
9. Size 12? That’s a bit optimistic isn’t it?
10. Hi, I’m from Weightwatchers…
11. I wouldn’t buy that dress if I were you. All it does is accentuate your roots
12. Excuse me, but since you’re obviously color blind would you like any help?
13. Isn’t it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that?
14. God, you’re fat. Don’t you care about yourself?
15. I’m sorry, I owe you an apology. I’m the store detective and I followed you in here because I thought you’d stuffed six dresses, four skirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it’s really all you…
Rejected Chicken Soup For The Soul Books
10. Chicken Soup for the Man Boy Lover’s Soul
9. Human Soup for the Cannibal’s Soul
8. Chicken Soup for the Vegan’s Soul
7. Chicken Soup for White People with No Soul
6. Scalding Chicken Soup to Pour on that Bastard Who Just Cut Me Off
5. Chicken Soup for the Illiterate Soul
4. Kitchen Sopu for the Dyslexic Soul
3. Chicken Soup Enema: It’s Not Just for the Soul Anymore
2. Chicken Soup for the Deposed Dictator’s Soul
1. I Bet I Can Eat This Bowl of Chicken Soup in Less Than 30 Seconds for the Inveterate Gambler’s Soul
Bar Phrases And Translations
“You get this one, next round is on me.”
(We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)
“I’ll get this one, next round is on you.”
(Happy hour is about to end…beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop, sucker.)
“Hey, where is that friend of yours?”
(I have no interest in talking to you, but I want to get your attractive friend in a compromising position.)
“What do you have on tap?”
“I’ll have a glass of house white.” (Female)
“I’ll have a glass of house white.” (Male)
“I’ll have an amaretto & OJ.” (Female)
(I’m really easy.)
“I’ll have an amaretto & OJ.” (Male)
(I’m really gay.)
“Ever try a body shot?” (Female To Male)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what I’ll do to you in bed?)
“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (Female)
(You’re paying more attention to your friends than to me.)
“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (Male)
“Excuse me.” (Male To Male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)
“Excuse me.” (Male To Female)
(I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.)
“Excuse me.” (Female To Male)
(Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of my way.)
“Excuse me.” (Female To Female)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You’re certainly not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a hooker…And get your eyes off my man, or I’ll slap you like the “beach” that you are!)
I Get No Respect
1. “Good crowd…good crowd. I’m telling you I could use a good crowd. I’m ok now but last week I was in rough shape… Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
2. “I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!”
3. “My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.”
4. “When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father…I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.”
5. “My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”
6. “My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.”
7. “My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”
8. “When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.”
9. “I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
10. “Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.”
11. “What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!”
12. “I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.”
13. “One year they wanted to make me a poster boy for birth control.”
14. “I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof”
15. “My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”
16. “I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.”
17. “I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning”
18. “Once when I was lost. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him…Do you think we’ll ever find them? He said I don’t know kid there are so many places they can hide.”
19. “I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor… so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said. On your mark…”
20. “On Halloween the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year, one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it’s different, when I answer the door the kids handed me candy.”
21. “When my old man wanted sex… my mother would show him a picture of me.”
Thank you, Rodney Dangerfield
Inappropriate Christmas Gift Ideas
1. Li’l Naturalist Hornet Farm
2. A Pee Wee Herman pull toy
3. The Duncan Yoyo: Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties
4. 200 pick up: A jumbo deck of cards that lets kids play a larger version of their favorite game
5. The “Learn about puberty chia pet”
6. Supersoaker 9000: For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees, low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint, clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches.
7. The laff-o-minit jajic spellin’ tootor
8. Doggie dentist: Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.
9. Cuisin-Art: Turns mommy’s food processor into a spinning paint tool.
10. Water retention Wanda: Teaches kids the principles of the calendar.
11. Advanced play medical kit: Includes colonoscope and speculum.
12. Chocolate covered lead soldiers.
13. Bungeroo: Kid sized bungee kit for second story bedrooms.
14. Islamic strip poker: Lose a hand, lose a hand.
The Perfect Day For Men vs. Woman
The perfect day for her:
8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
4:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, prim before the mirror
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:30 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms
The perfect day for him!
6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
7:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary en-route to airport
8:15 DFW – Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ)
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
4:30 Land world record for light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)
5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job en-route by naked Kathy Ireland
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch CNN newsflash: All your stocks have increased 10,000%, sell them all, then they all tank.
7:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak
9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
9:30 Sex with three super models
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
11:45 Bed (alone)
11:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room
Top 10 Rejected New Fall TV Shows
10. Trading Infections – People with various diseases rub open wounds on each other. Whoever survives, wins.
9. Red Green’s Anatomy – Red Green gets naked and explores his anatomy.
8. America’s Next Top Kiss Ass – The best brown-nosers vie for a mediocre job.
7. Law and Order: Special Ed Unit – Mentally challenged adults try to solve crimes, but instead get frustrated and bang their heads on tables.
6. L3tt3rs – An English professor uses his knowledge of grammar and Shakespeare to solve crimes in Omaha.
5. Extreme Makeover: Whore Edition – NYC prostitutes get makeovers then star on the next season of The Bachelor.
4. Lost: Sahara – Ten survivors of a Saharan plane crash slowly die of hunger and dehydration.
3. CSI: Akron – Crime scene investigators solve their toughest cases yet in this glitzy and glamorous city.
2. Deal, No Deal, or Sex with the Woman Holding the Briefcase – What will these men do? Will they take the money and run, or will they take their chances with the hotties holding the case.
1. America’s Fattest Losers – Stand up comedians poke fun at fatties until they cry. The comedian who gets them to cry first wins.
Yet More Ways To Get Rid Of Your Blind Date
1. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you “never got”. When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
2. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
3. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
4. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
5. Speak in pig Latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
6. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
7. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
8. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
9. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you’re taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it’s a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
10. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
11. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
12. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a similar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
13. Accuse your date of espionage.
14. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
15. Don’t use any verbs during the entire meal.
16. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
17. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
18. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you’ve brought along.
19. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat…
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat her driver’s license says, “picture continued on other side.”
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she eats her cereal out of a satellite dish.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat the telephone company gave her two area codes.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when she walked into the all-you-can-eat buffet, they had to install speed bumps.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she’s got more chins than a Chinese phone book.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she gets runs in her jeans.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her 18 years to live.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat the back of her neck looks like a package of hot dogs.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when she hauls ass, she gotta make two trips.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat her butt looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat her blood type is marinara.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when she sits on a quarter, she squeezes a booger out of George Washington’s nose.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when she gets her shoes shined, she has to take the shoeshine boy’s word for it.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat the shadow of her butt weighs 50 pounds.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn’t get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat you can use her thong as a hammock.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.
Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans
16. We’re working on that smell thing, too.
15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14. As seen on “COPS”
13. If We’d Known You Were Staying All Night, We’d Have Changed the Sheets
12. Not just for nooners anymore.
11. We left off the 9, but you know it’s there.
10. You rented the room, now buy the video.
9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn’t have money left over for a hooker.
8. We’ll leave the Lysol for ya!
7. Hey, we’re not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on “your” salary, pal!
6. We don’t make the adultery. We make the adultery “better”.
5. It’s Hookerriffic!
4. Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins
3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
2. Cheap and Easy — Just Like Your Mother
and the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan…
1. We put the “Ho” in “Motel”