John Cage: Gay Divorce Lawyer
Actual Notes From Hospital Charts:
1. The patient refused autopsy. (I’m guessing this was supposed to be Biopsy)
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
21. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Darwin Awards – Fourth Of July
The Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it.
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks.
Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles.
They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
Caffeine Addict’s Quiz
Do you want to know if you suffer from “Alertness Deficit Disorder” (ADD)? Then, just take this simple quiz. These questions will help you to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. If you suffer from this disease, missing just cup could be fatal.
The following series of Yes/No questions will allow you to determine your Addiction Factor. Please record the number of “Yes” or “No” answers and see where you fall on the chart included.
Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.
- Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
- Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it’s easier?
- Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?
- Do you find that it’s easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?
- Have you ever drunk cold coffee?
- Have you ever drunk coffee directly from the pot?
- Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?
- Does your coffee cup resemble a large beer stein?
- Has anyone ever told you that you “have an addiction problem”?
- Do you find you need coffee:
…to get up in the morning?
…to get out of bed?
…to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?
- Do you own a “Coffee Helmet”?
(For the culturally ignorant, a coffee-helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, permitting hands-free drinking.)
- Do Native North American Aboriginal Indians call you “Ona mac towanda” (Smells-like- coffee)?
- Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?
- Have you ever sold personal or other people’s possessions just to get your “fix” for the day?
- Does the phrase “Swiss water decaffeinated” strike terror into your heart?
- Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
…in more than five?
…in your bathroom?
- Do restaurants refuse do give you unlimited coffee refills anymore?
- Do you grind your own coffee?
- Do you grow your own coffee?
- Have you ever been fired from a job because you’re “drinking their profits”?
- Do you know Juan Valdez?
…and/or his donkey?
- Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?
- Is sleep a hobby of yours?
…that you don’t like?
…because it’s too frustrating?
You are a well-rounded member of society with a love for life and you are very wise
You are a slightly jagged member of society, life’s okay, but it could be better and you are relatively naive
What are you, some kinda nature-freak tree-hugger? Coffee’s not good enough for you, huh? Here, have some more Tofu Or how about some Alfalfa Tea? You no good Yuppie!
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
My photographs don’t do me justice -they just look like me.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
With any kind of physical test, I don’t know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they’d do those hearing tests? And you’d really be listening hard, you know?
I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, “We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We’re sending the results to Washington, we’d like you to meet the President.”
The proof that we don’t understand death is we give dead people a pillow. I mean if you can’t stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I don’t think there are any bedding accessories that can make the difference. But the suit and the pillow really shows how we have no idea what to get these people ready for.
I mean, what situation are you going into with a suit and a pillow? There’s no business nap meetings.
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower?
I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door!
It’s tough to do a good deed. Let’s look at your professional good-deed doers, your Lone Rangers, your Supermen, your Batmen, your Spiderman. They’re all wearing disguises, masks over their faces, secret identities. They don’t want people to know who they are. Too much aggravation.
“Superman, yeah thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall? I’m renting here. They’ve got a security deposit. Now what am I supposed to do?”
I’m on the plane, we left late, and the pilot says, “We’re going to be making up some time in the air.”
I thought, “Isn’t that interesting. They just make up time.” That’s why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they’re making up time, obviously they’re increasing the speed of the aircraft.
Now my question is, if you can go faster, why don’t you just go as fast as you can all the time? “Come on, they’re no cops up here! Nail it! Give it some gas! We’re flying!”
The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. You ever fly standby? It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, “Bye.”
Frankly, I don’t believe people think of their office as a workplace anyway. I think they think of it as a stationery store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.
Then there’s the psychiatrist. Why is it that with the psychiatrist every hour is only fifty minutes? What do they do with the ten minutes that they have left?
Do they just sit there going, “Boy that guy was crazy. I couldn’t believe the things he was saying. What a nut. Who’s coming in next? Oh no, another head case.”
Talk-show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in the show, you know? They’re always looking off camera, “Do we have time?” “Are we out of time?” “How are we doing on time?”
You never see the cops on NYPD Blue go, “Should I strangle this guy or are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating? I’ll tell you what, I’ll bop him in the head, we’ll do a commercial, we’ll come back, I’ll drive in the car real fast. Stay with us.”
The main difference between the man’s wallet and the woman’s wallet is the photo section. Women carry with them a photograph of every person they’ve ever met every day in their whole life since the beginning of time. And every picture’s out of date. “Here’s my cousin, 3 years old, she’s in the Marines now. This is my dog; he died during the Carter administration.”
They get stopped by a cop, no license and registration. “Here’s my fifty-six people who know me.”
Cop goes, “Alright ma’am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends. Move it along…. Routine pal check.”
Ways To Tell If A Redneck Is Working In Your Office
• The mouse is referred to as a, “critter.”
• The keyboard is camouflaged.
• There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
• There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
• The password is, “bubba.”
• The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
• Nothing on this line but the number 7 again to prove that I ain’t no redneck.
• Their monitor has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
• Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.
• The printer goes really slow since Bubba don’t read too fast.
• The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
• The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
• Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs. (video files)
• The monitor is up on blocks.
• Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
• The six front keys have rotted out.
• John Deer Pocket Protectors.
• Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
• The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
The Ubiquitous Cell Phone
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, .go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000″
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..
He smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”
Ways To Terrify A Telemarketer!
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your Momma?”
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel!” Say good bye and hang up.
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give our credit card number to a complete stranger.
Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in a SINISTER voice , “I don’t have any friends…. would you be my friend?”
Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
When they ask “How are you today?” Tell them! “I’m so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems…
Things You Don’t Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness
• “I don’t know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.”
• “Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he’s still moving.”
• “Blink once for ‘yes’.”
• “What do you mean we have the wrong patient?”
• “Why is there a tag on his toe?”
• “Do you think he can hear us?”
• “I didn’t even know a human could bend that way.”
• “Hold the patient still, we’ve almost pried it open.”
• “Did the doctor tell you he would look like that afterwards?”
• “Nurse, make sure you’re getting all this down. It’ll make a great ‘ER’ script.”
• “I’m sorry, we didn’t use enough anesthesia. Just relax, we’ll be done in a jiffy.”
If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want?
If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it’s 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?
If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?
Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?
If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?
Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?
If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st – January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?
If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?
When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?
When you see the weather report and it says “partly cloudy” and then the next day it says “partly sunny”; what’s the difference?
Can a person choke and die on a life saver?