From The British T.V. Show “Yes Minister”
Why Britain Joined The European Union In The First Place
Why Logic In America (And Aparently In Britain) Is Missing
I’m terrified of Muslims. I don’t want sharia law in America.
OK. Let’s avoid that by separating church and state.
Nope. I believe in Jesus and want this country to be more Christian.
OK. Here are some refugees who need help.
Nope. Not helping refugees while we still have homeless kids and veterans here.
OK. Here’s a bill to help vets.
Nope. I don’t want to raise taxes.
OK. What about homeless kids? Surely they deserve some help.
Nope. Their parents are just lazy and want handouts. They shouldn’t have had kids if they can’t afford kids.
OK. Let’s fund Planned Parenthood to help people plan their parenthood.
Nope. Some of that money might go for an abortion, and I’m Pro Life.
OK. Let’s give everyone easier access to health care to improve and extend their lives.
Nope. That’s socialism. I believe in the Constitution, not dirty, dirty socialism.
OK. At least we can agree on that. I especially like the way the Constitution gives everyone freedom of (and from) religion.
Yes! Freedom of religion. Except Muslims. I’m terrified of Muslims…
Actual Things Said By Patients Before Being Put To Sleep
1. Right before I went under to have surgery on my septum… I was about to start counting backwards before they put the mask on.
“Does anyone need anything while I’m out?”
2. I had just woken up after having my shoulder worked on. I was in and out of consciousness for a bit and just generally feeling whacked out.
I guess I shifted in the bed and move the blankets a bit and exposed myself as the nurse came in. She smiled and moved the blankets back.
I apparently told the nurse “You saw mine, do I get to see yours?
My wife was in the chair next to the bed.
3. I once tried to say something funny right before surgery, they were about to put me out and I said, “go easy on me doc, it’s my first time.”
I gave a little chuckle and so did the doctor… he then picked up a scalpel and said, “don’t worry, it’s my first time too.”
And then I promptly blacked out…
4. I looked the surgeon squarely in the eyes, and with a straight face I whispered: “I want you inside me.”
5. I tend to get aroused while under anaesthesia, but it’s fine, just tape it down if it gets in the way.
6. “My twin owes me big time for this one.”
7. “If I don’t make it through this, tell my wife I want her to be buried alive with me.”
8. When I had my wisdom teeth removed and was given general anaesthetic, I apparently said “If this is what being on drugs is like, sign me up.”
He went and told on me to my mother.
9. Who’s the guy with the scythe standing in the corner?
10. As they were pushing the drugs they asked me to count backwards from 10. All I could say was, “no.” The room erupted in laughter and I was out.
11. I was being put under for a wisdom tooth extraction a few years back, and it was the first time I’ve ever had anesthesia. They used injection method rather than gas, so they told me to watch the fluids going in so i could gauge when i’d feel sleepy. I had this idea that i would say something like “oh no, doc, i’ve lost my eyesight” or something else preposterous. Before i could collect my thoughts i just immediately blurted “well shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit” (my voice progressively getting lower) and passed out.
12. Terribly inappropriate joke. Had to have a colonoscopy, so they gave me some medication and it was weird. Anyways, I was feeling silly and told him “First time doing anal on camera, and I’m not even getting paid.”
13. “Thanks for doing this, there aren’t many surgeons out there who would operate on someone without health insurance.”
14. I was being wheeled into emergency abdominal surgery once and my girlfriend was with me. We’re rolling down the hall and they have the mask out to put me under and I pause and say to her “don’t let them touch my dick”.
The nurse smirked a little and they put the mask on me. In somewhat of a panicked fashion, I pulled the mask off, stared up at my girlfriend, and with full weight and seriousness told her “they can look at it, but no touching”. I heard the doctor laughing as the gas kicked in.
15.Here’s my impression of my wife during sex.
Reply To A Rejection Letter
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:
Thank you for your letter of June 4. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite [Company Name]‘s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
People Shared The Worst Thing Someone Said To Them During Sex
1.”Oh my God, that feels like Josh.” Guess who Josh is? NOT THIS GUY.
2. She leans in real close and whispers in my ear, extremely sensually:”Mmm…tacos.”
3. “I want to see your bones drying in the desert sun”. Wish I was kidding.
4. “Don’t worry. It’s been over a week since my last outbreak.”
5. I like dirty talk and one particular frisky encounter resulted in him calling me “a fucking slug”.
7. She whispered in my ear: “Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs?”
8. “Sorry” and “thank you” the moment he came.
9. As he was cumming he yelled “Zetus Lapetus” which I found out was an expression of exclamation from the popular Disney movie ‘Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century’ (1999).
10. “SURPRISE FUCKER”. Was loosing my V card and my roommate and a friend dropkick the door open.
11. “Punch me in the face”… that was so awkward.
12. A friend of mine cried out at the point of climax: “TEN POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR!” This did not go down well.
13. “Have you thought about getting that vasectomy?”
14. “You’re an 8 in the dark!
15. My boyfriend said “peepee sad” after a series of giggle fits during sex. He then got up and hit me in the eye with his dick.
16. He just decided to start singing, and he’s getting louder and louder until he’s really belting it out – “BYYYYE BYE MISS AMERICAN PIE, DROVE MY CHEVY TO THE LEVEE BUT THE LEVEE WAS DRY!”
17. “Did the dog just shit in the kitchen?” Yes, he did, he fucking did.
18. “I just realized I’m a lesbian.”
19. One time I started singing, in rhythm with his thrusts, “Don’t stop believing” really obnoxiously.
20. Making out hard and heavy. She says “I wanna tongue your dumper”.
An Old Man’s Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Not for nothing, but don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the BODIES.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
So one day, two women were walking through a cemetery when all of a sudden, they both had to go to the bathroom really bad.
So they both went, and the first used her underwear to wipe her ass. The next deciced to use a red ribbon she found on a gravestone.
That night, the husbands of the two women called each other. The first said “John, I think my wife is cheating on me. she came home last night with no underwear.”
John then replied ” You think that’s bad? My wife came home with a ribbon on her ass that said ‘We will never forget you, love, The NYC fire department.’”
You Know You Work In Corporate America If…
• Your resume is on a flash drive on your key ring.
• You get really excited about a 3% pay raise.
• Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
• You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
• You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
• It’s dark when you drive to and from work.
• Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
• “Communication” is something your group is having problems with.
• You’re already late on the assignment you just got.
• Free food left over from meetings is on your mind to bring home at the end of your shift.
• Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital.
• Art involves a white board.
• You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say “Oh wow, thanks!”
• Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers”.
• Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
• Your boss’ favorite lines are “when you get a few minutes”, “in your spare time”, “when you’re freed up”, and “I have an opportunity for you.”
• You’ve sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
• When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone with your company’s name.
An elderly man had serious hearing problems for many years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.
The elderly man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor diagnosed, “Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be very pleased.”
To which the elderly man said, “Oh, I haven’t told them yet. I just sit and listen to their conversations. I’ve already changed my will three times!”
Questions Mainstream Science Refuses To Answer
1. I’ve already squirted two whole bottles of “no tears” baby shampoo into my daughter’s face. Why is she still crying?
2. My doctor said he’s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
3. How many calories does my girlfriend burn by jumping to conclusions?
4. I was told to set my clock back an hour when it showed 2AM on November 1st. I’ve done this 8 times now. When can I stop setting the clock back?
5. If we share 50% of our DNA with bananas, and 1 in 4 people descend from Genghis Khan, does that mean Genghis Khan was 200% banana?
6. If I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive, would that enable cloud computing?
7. If 1 in 5 kids faces hunger, why don’t we just turn every fifth kid around?
8. Whenever we get shot in the head, how does the bullet always manage to find the 10% of our brains that actually work?
9. Now that gay marriage is legal in all states, should I get married in gas, liquid or solid state?
10. Does the five-second rule apply to soup? please hurry.
11. If the camera adds 10 pounds, could the NSA’s surveillance camera system be the cause of American obesity?
12. Why do meteors always land in craters?
13. I am now 22 years old and my eyesight is worsening, at what point do I get adult supervision?
14. If the gas station is 2 km away, and my dad can travel at 60km/hr, why hasn’t he returned from getting cigarettes for 6 years?
15. If Jesus died for our Sins then who died for our Cos and Tans?
16. If animals don’t want to be eaten why are they made of food?
17. If light travels faster than the speed of sound, how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?
18. I got a vasectomy two years ago and I thought it would prevent my gf from bearing more children. But apparently it only changed the colour of the baby. How did this happen?
19. In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds. How is that person still alive?
20. When we use ad-block software that blocks 99.99% of ads, are we not just selecting only the strongest and most resistant ads to repopulate our internets?
21. Is the ocean salty because the land doesn’t wave back?
22. Do spiders in Europe have 2.4384 meters instead of 8 feet?
23. Why do people come back from baby changing stations with the same baby?
24. If light travels faster than the speed of sound, how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?
25. My girlfriend says she needs time and distance. Is she calculating velocity?
Universal Corporate Translator
You’ll be making under $6 an hour
“ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY”:
You’re paid under $6 an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year
“AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY”:
There’s no chance in hell we’ll be the next Microsoft
Once it’s shared among the brass, you get what’s left
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”:
We have no time to train you (and/or) please introduce yourself to your co-workers
“NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER”:
Inc Magazine mentioned us a few years ago
The person who had this job gave notice a month ago–We’re just now running the ad
“SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER”:
We’re can’t supply you with leads; (and/or) there’s no base salary to speak of; (and/or) you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check
Don’t expect Management to answer questions
“WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS”:
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $35 co-pay
After 3 years, we’ll allow you to fund your own 401(k)
“SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE”:
Who won’t notice our internship-level salaries
“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings
We have a lot of turnover (and/or) Lots of intra-office back stabbing
“EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT”:
Guys in gray suits bore you with tales of Total Quality Management (TQM)
“JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM”:
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes
“FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT”:
Your coworkers will be insulted if you don’t drink with them
“A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT”:
We booze it up at company parties and after work hours
“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day
“SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED”:
If we’re in trouble, you have to explain it to the customer
“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”:
Some time each night and some time each weekend
“A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION”:
We can’t afford any office partitions, let alone offices
Work 40 hours; plus whatever your supervisor asks you to
“DUTIES WILL VARY”:
Anyone in the office can boss you around
“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”:
We have no quality control to speak of
“COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED”:
Unless you blew four years studying something useless
“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”:
We’ve filled the job; this ad is just a legal formality
“SEEKING CANDIDATE WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left
“SEEK CANDIDATE REQUIRING LITTLE OR NO SUPERVISION”:
You’re on your own here Bunko; sink or swim
“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”:
This is a company in perpetual chaos and turmoil
“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”:
You’ll have managerial responsibilities, w/o the pay
“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”:
Brass communicate, you listen, you figure out what they want
“ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD”:
You whine, you’re outta here!