Bill Maher – The Mass Delusion
Dr. Seuss’s Lesser-Known Books
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Are You My Proctologist?
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Feels a Ho
6. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo—Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One B!tch, Two B!tch, Dead B!tch, Blue B!tch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fu(k Out!
12. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
13. The B!tch Set Me Up
14. I’ve Fallen — And I Can’t Get Up!
15. Yentl the Lentil
16. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
17. Aunts in My Pants
18. Hop On Mom
19. Oh, the Place You’ll Scratch and Sniff!
20. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
21. The Grinch’s Ten Inches
What Shakespeare Really Meant
William Shakespeare was a very wise man. But you’d never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare’s quotes into modern day English. It’s about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe.
Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should masturbate more.
The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.
Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have s ex with your girlfriend during her period.
The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let’s kill all the lawyers. Really.
Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It’s OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would.
Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.
Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.
I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.
Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you’re screwed.
They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she’s really a man, listen to them.
That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you’re desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral s ex.
Heaven hath a hand in these events.
Translation: How else would you explain that Pamela Anderson video?
O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn’t necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.
The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.
I’ll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don’t expect me to call the day after.
Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country.
Love’s gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill, that is.
Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you’re telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.
‘Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nooners rock.
My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You’ve never had twins and you never will. Get over it.
Things NOT To Say During Sex
Sex is one of the most intimate, personal things two (or more) people can share. Here are some things to NOT say during that occasionally intimate act.
· I hope you don’t expect a raise for this.
· Hurry up, the game’s about to start.
· Are you trying to be funny?
· You’re almost as good as my ex.
· Is that smell coming from you?
· Haven’t you ever done this before?
· You’re so much like your sister.
· What’s your name again?
· A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time.
· Can we order a pizza?
· Smile for the camera!
· I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
· Hold on, let me change the channel.
· But you just started!
· How much do I owe you?
· Stop moaning, you sound stupid.
· I’m still looking for your good side.
· Is it in yet?
· You’re fogging up the windshield.
· Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
· On second thought, let’s turn out the lights.
· Your best friend does this much better.
· I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening.
· Did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
· Don’t make that face at me.
· I hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober.
· Your mother’s hot. Can you fix us up?
· Just use your finger, it’s bigger.
· Can you hold this sandwich for me?
· You’re as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
· I really hate women who actually think Sex means something.
· You woke me up for that?
· We’ll try again later when you can satisfy me, too.
· If you can’t do it, I’ll find someone else who can.
· And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner.
· I haven’t had this much Sex since I was a hooker.
· Want to see me take out my glass eye?
· Is it O.K. if I tell my friends about this?
· Hurry up, I’m late for a date.
· It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate.
· Maybe you’re just out of practice.
· Don’t squirm, you’ll spill my beer.
· Of course I don’t love you.
So Where Are You From?
I was in a bar on Saturday night… had a few… and I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?”
One of them chirped, “It’s WALES you friggin’ idiot!”
So, I immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from
Things We’ve Learned From “America’s Funniest Home Videos”
· Stay away from kids trying to hit a piñata.
· If you’re wearing a wedding dress, never try to ride a horse.
· An acronym doesn’t always have to contain a letter for each word in the thing for which it is an acronym.
· Grandpa’s pants are, in all likelihood, ill-fitting.
· Homemade bike ramps should only be used by, well, nobody.
· Babies sometimes fall asleep while sitting up.
· Many beams are lower than you’d think.
· If you touch a dog in a certain place, they bare their teeth and growl in an amusing way.
· People are sometimes startled when they’re woken up from a nap by loud noises.
· If you shoot enough video, somebody, somewhere is eventually going to make a basket from half-court.
· The tree you cut down is going to fall in a direction you didn’t expect.
· Before using a barbell, make sure the weights are secured on both sides.
· Kids getting hit in the face, not funny. Kids getting hit in the face on video, funny.
· Noses and parrots are natural enemies. Same goes for lizards.
· Children aren’t always respectful when it comes to not pulling off a relative’s toupee at a family gathering.
· Most swings have weight limits that are less than you’d suspect.
· Cats can be clumsy, especially when they’re around TVs.
· Many people think you’ll call your significant other the wrong name during the heat of passion, but we all know it will probably happen during your wedding ceremony.
· Baseballs like testicles.
· When it comes to backyard trampolines, “What goes up, must end up with a contusion.”
· Llamas spitting is not an urban myth.
· The walls of many above ground swimming pools appear to be made of a material similar to rice paper.
· The false teeth of many elderly people aren’t affixed properly.
· Birthday cakes and wobbly tables don’t mix. It should also be noted that birthday cakes have the inexplicable ability to attract the human face like a magnet.
· Pets don’t really talk, but sometimes it sounds like it.
· Nothing good can come from pogo sticks.
· Lifting someone over your head while dancing intoxicated could lead to an unfortunate, albeit humorous, accident.
· Many Christmas trees stands aren’t made to withstand the weight of the tree and a person.
· Everything, yes everything, is funnier when accompanied by a wacky sound effect.
· Any host of “America’s Funniest Home Videos” is likely to be the most bland, unfunny individual ever to appear on television.
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Thoughts For Today On Politics
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~ Henry Cate, VII
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~ Aesop
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven. ~ Will Rogers
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~ Plato
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~ Nikita Khrushchev
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it. ~ Clarence Darrow
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~ Author Unknown
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~ Jay Leno
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~ John Quinton
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~ Oscar Ameringer
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it. ~ P.J. O’Rourke
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Texas Guinan
Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. ~ Gore Vidal
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~ Charles de Gaulle
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~ Doug Larson
Don’t vote, it only encourages them. ~ Author Unknown
There ought to be one day – just one – when there is open season on senators. ~ Will Rogers
Payment For Sex
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $5,000. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price.
So he had his secretary send a check for $2,500 and enclose the following typed note:
Enclosed find a check for $2,500 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
1 – it had never been occupied;
2 – there was plenty of heat; and
3 – it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.”
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for$2,500 with the following note:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady
Why Dogs Are A Man’s Best Friend
· Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
· The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
· Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
· If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
· Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
· A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.
· Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
· A dog’s parents never visit.
· Dogs do not hate their bodies.
· Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
· Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
· Dogs seldom outlive you.
· Dogs can’t talk.
· Dogs enjoy petting in public.
· You never have to wait for a dog—they’re ready to go 24-hours a day.
· Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
· Dogs like to go hunting.
· Another man will seldom steal your dog.
· If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
· A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died would you get another dog?”
· If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
· If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
· A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
· A dog won’t hold out on you to get a new car.
· If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad, they just think it’s interesting.
· On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
· Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
· Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
· Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale’s or Neiman-Marcus.
· If a dog leaves, it won’t take half your stuff.
You Know Your Girlfriend Is Ugly When…
(1) She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.
(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.
(3) Even mosquitoes stay away from her.
(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.
(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.
(6) She makes onions cry.
(7) Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.
(8) Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.
(9) The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.