Stars & Stripes FOREVER!
Happy forth of July!
Lewis Black Talks About Bottled Water
If Men Got Pregnant…
1. Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay.
2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.
5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
8. They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.
9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
12. They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree’s.
14. Women would rule the world.
AN ACTUAL CRAIG’S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan.
She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … isn’t it?!
I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with crap in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb, after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car. Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you, but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
More Fun Stuff To Do When You Have A Roommate
Steal something valuable of your roommate’s. If s/he asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.
Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, “The people have a right to know!”
Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, “Don’t worry. It’s not what you think.” If s/he asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, “Damn road runner….”
Leave memos on your roommate’s bed that say things like, “I know what you did,” and “Don’t think you can fool me.” Sign them in blood.
Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If s/he protests, tell him/her that it’s all for charity.
Watch “Psycho” every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, “Welcome to McDonald’s, can I take your… Oh, it’s just you.” Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
Go through your roommate’s textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn’t take it anymore.
Late at night, start conversations that begin with, “Remember the good old days, when we used to…” and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, “Boy, these zoos just aren’t what they used to be.”
Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
Older And Wiser
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $3.00
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $5.50
HAND JOB: $150.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”
She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”
The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands properly, because I want a cheeseburger.”
The Pastor’s Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
What Is A Kiss?
Management Lesson: Views of People of Different Disciplines.
*COMPUTER SCIENCE* “A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.”
*ALGEBRA* “A kiss is two divided by nothing.”
*PHYSICS* “A kiss is a contraction of the mouth due to an expansion of the heart.”
*CHEMISTRY* “A kiss is the reaction resulting from the interaction between two hearts.”
*ACCOUNTING* “A kiss must be considered an investment that is profitable when returned.”
*ECONOMICS* “A kiss is one of those things for which the demand is always higher than the supply.”
*PHILOSOPHY* “A kiss is persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth, and homage for the old.”
*THEOLOGY* “A kiss is divine.”
*EARTH SCIENCES* “A kiss is a clean, green, renewable energy resource that works best when recycled often.”
*PHARMACOLOGY* “A kiss is an oral stimulant taken by mouth that can often cure what ails you.”
*LAW* “A kiss is when the party of the first part and the party of the second part have reached a mutually beneficial understanding that two (2) pair of lips shall co-exist in, for all practical purposes, the same space and time for a temporary period.”
*POLITICAL SCIENCE* “A kiss is that which will cost your career if experienced with anyone other than your spouse.”
*POLITICAL SCIENCE* “A kiss is that which will cost your career if experienced with anyone other than your spouse
*ENGINEERING* “I’m sorry. I’m not familiar with that word.”
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, ‘Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?’
The parrot says, ‘I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.’
‘Holy crap,’ the guy replies. You actually understood and answered me!’
‘I got every word,’ says the parrot. I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird’
‘Oh yeah?’ the guy asks.
‘Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?’
‘Well,’ the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can’t see it, because of my feathers.’
‘Wow,’ says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak English, can’t you?’
‘Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I’d be a great companion.’
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. ‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.’
‘Pssssssst,’ says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!’
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, ‘Psssssssssssst,’ and motions him over with one wing.
‘I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife, and the UPS man.’
‘What are you talking about?’ asks the guy.
‘When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.’
‘WHAT???’ the guy asks incredulously.
‘THEN what happened?’
‘Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.
‘NO!’ he exclaims, ‘and she let him?’
‘Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.’
Then the frantic guy demands, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?’
DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!’
If this doesn’t make you laugh, you’re having a really bad day.
A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you.”
The drunk replies, “Boobs.”