Funny TV Bloopers
Richard Pryor 1st Black President – 1977
Remember this was 1977
Bart Simpson Chalkboard Sayings
1. I will not waste chalk
2. I will not skateboard in the halls
3. I will not burp in class
4. I will not instigate revolution
5. I will not draw naked ladies in class
6. I did not see Elvis
7. I will not call my teacher ‘Hot Cakes’
8. Garlic gum is not funny
9. They are laughing at me, not with me
10. I will not yell “fire” in a crowded classroom
11. I will not encourage others to fly
12. I will not fake my way through life
13. Tar is not a plaything
14. I will not Xerox my butt
15. I will not trade pants with others
16. I will not do that thing with my tongue
17. I will not drive the principal’s car
18. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
19. I will not sell school property
20. I will not cut corners
21. I will not get very far with this attitude
22. I will not make flatulent noises in class
23. I will not belch the National Anthem
24. I will not sell land in Florida
25. I will not grease the monkey bars
26. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
27. I will not do anything bad ever again
Here I sit,
In the hall of vapors.
Last guy in,
Used all the paper!
Found printed on a condom machine. “This is the worst chewing-gum I have ever ate!”
Seen written on a stall in a men’s bathroom: “My wife follows me everywhere.”
Written just below it: “I do not.”
Found this on a condom machine at a local tavern.
“For a full refund, please deposit baby here!”
Women’s bathroom: “We aim to please, Men claim to please.”
One over a Urinal: “We aim to please. You AIM TOO, PLEASE!”
(in a large nasty scrawl) “I fucked your mother!”
(below it in smaller more precise script) “Go home Dad, you’re drunk!”
A Few Thoughts
· Love is blind, but jealousy has the best eyesight of the lot!
· I had amnesia once…or was it twice?
· A bird in the hand is not as good as one in the oven
· All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy!
· It’s far easier to forgive an enemy when you have got even with him
· The worst part of being successful is trying to find someone who is happy for you.
· If at first though you don’t succeed then destroy all of the evidence that you tried
· If you try something new and again don’t succeed then forget that first skydiving course
· Friends come and go but enemies accumulate
· The meek shall inherit the earth but not the mineral rights
· He who laughs least in life always laughs last but may be called rather dim witted for being so blinking slow at getting the joke
· Being punctual proves that you can only be very bored most of the time
· Democracy is great!We have the right to share your privacy in public.
· One nice thing about egoists…they don’t talk about other people!
· The right to be heard does not give you the right to be taken seriously.
· A bank will always loan you some money just as long as you can prove that you don’t need it
· For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
· My weight is perfect for my height…..which varies.
· I used to be indecisive…..now I’m not so sure!
· The cost of living doesn’t affect its popularity
· Is there another word for synonym?
· Is it possible to be totally partial?
· What’s another word for ‘ Thesaurus ‘?
· It’s not an optical illusion…it just looks like one!
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah!
I wonder if he died knowing he won the ‘Coolest Headstone’ contest? His five rules for a happy life are at the bottom. Engraved on his stone:
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
1.. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Putting Your Affairs In Order
Man, I’ll tell ya, women are cold until the end!
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’ The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??’
‘Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, ‘Putting Your Affairs In Order’
Cool Things To Do In A Shower Stall
1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, “I didn’t know I had one of THOSE!”
2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over.
3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.
4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor’s evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.
5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim “Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those.” Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.
6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then return to your side, whistling the tune “It’s a Small World After All.”
7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.
8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.
9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person showering.
10. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.
11. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of “Old McDonald Had A Farm”, making the sound of their animal in the stall.
12. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory. Leave wounded.
13. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.
14. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.
Miles Davis & Nancy Reagan
In 1987, Miles Davis was invited to a White House dinner by Ronald Reagan. Few of the guests appeared to know who he was. During dinner, Nancy Reagan turned to him and asked what he’d done with his life to merit an invitation.
Straight-faced, Davis replied: “Well, I’ve changed the course of music five or six times. What have you done except fuck the president?”
Shit My Students Write
Football is a great way to bond with people you have never boned before.
Two individual rights that are protected by the US Constitution an the French Declaration of the Rights of Man are that when men work hard, they get paid more, but if they don’t work hard, they get the same amount of money as the women.
Love is a powerful force that penetrates the deep sea of time. It allows the man to bond with the female corpse.
My girlfriend stimulated me adequately. So I felt upset and angry.
I firmly believe that the crucifixion is not something you can do to yourself simply because you do not have enough hands.
Just like the saying “monkey see, monkey do,” monkey says “I want to be a transvestite.”
Throughout the course of our history racism has been the cause of many pains and many losses. However, racism has also been the cause of many great successes.
All the women had to move to whorehouses because the soldiers at the front were tired and sick and needed relief. This is why they got the vote.
As normal he went out hunting the next morning but this time he finished his task quickly so that he could find out who was coming in and out of his wife.
Having tattoos is just like slavery but not as bad.
I believe that life begins at contraception.
This would sometimes happen to women because the women, in those days, were the stupid of the world nobody thought they were of any importance.
What about the women who gave birth to our fearless leaders such as Albert Einstein, Barack Obama, David Beckham and Posh?
First aid for contact with H2O: flush eyes with water, rinse skin with water, if ingested, get medical help.
Both women react differently to Dracula’s taint
As was seen in the Holocaust, Hitler’s ways were quite definitely extreme. They were taken too far. However, there is no question as to why many people may think Fascism is a perfectly good ideology.
The restaurant is built for romance whether it is to get in touch with the love of your life or to get in touch and love yourself for the night.
Some Interesting Facts
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G..!)
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don’t try this at home; maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. (Honey, I’m home. What the…?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm……..)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
Why People Hate To Attend High School Reunions
Jan, Sue and Mary haven’t seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend’s honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses’ aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg!