Bob Saget Sings An Old English Folk Song
Greatest Card Trick Ever
Signs You’ve Grown Up
1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as ‘dressed up’.
10. You’re the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie – it’s the whole date instead of just the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer ‘pretty good stuff’.
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi, Ho-Ho’s.
23. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You don’t drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY
No excuse…We will no longer accept your doctor’s statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
Other than your own:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with “A” will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.
We appreciate your cooperation,
To who which none of the above applies!
Fun Stuff To Do For Your Roommate
Build an ant farm. Let your ants have “jailbreaks”. Then ask your roommate to help you hunt down all the renegade ants.
Wear nothing but tightie-whities whenever your roommate has guests.
Start a new-wave cult. Hold nightly candle-lit rituals in your room with your followers.
Get a friend to leave a message on the phone with your roommate for you saying the test results came back positive. When your roommate tells you, cough, faint, and then refuse to discuss it.
Make a voodoo doll of your roommate. Kill it.
Learn to play an accordion.
Tell your roommate on a daily basis that s/he is projecting negative karma.
Learn a lot of quotations. Whenever you talk to your roommate, say nothing but quotes for three weeks.
Sign up your roommate for all the radical organizations on campus. If they call, tell them s/he is very interested in and in favor of their cause.
Create an animal cemetery in your floor. Hold memorial services. If your roommate complains, tell him/her that s/he has no respect for the dead.
Trash the room when your roommate’s not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When s/he does, walk in and act surprised. Say, “Uh-oh, it looks like THEY were here again.”
Eat lots of “Lucky Charms.” Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can’t say anything more, or you’ll have to face the consequences.
Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, “I can’t live in the same room with you,” storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you’re doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, “Soon, soon….”
Bring in potential “new” roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, “Oh, him/her? S/he won’t be here much longer.”
Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, “Oh, she’s around here somewhere.”
Explain to your roommate that you’re going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that s/he hurt its feelings. Watch TV with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if s/he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, “That was your mom. She said she’d call back.”
Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When s/he leaves, get up and loudly yell, “Okay, guys, you can come out now.”
Talk back to your “Rice Krispies.” All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, “No, I want to watch them suffer.”
Challenge your roommate to a duel. If s/he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that s/he remove all of his/her possessions immediately.
Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).
New Rules For Dieting
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one’s personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
7. If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count.
8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.
10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
“Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labeled ‘For The Sick,’ is for monetary donations only.”
From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
‘Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner’s Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.”
From The Times:
A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented: ‘This sort of thing is all too common these days.’
From The Gloucester Citizen:
A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled ‘Hear Me Moan’ the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, ‘He got what he deserved.’
From The Derby Abbey Community News:
We apologies for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that ‘Mr. Fred Nicolme is a defective in the police force.’ This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr. Nicolme is a detective in the police farce.
An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo and the animal’s gag reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd applauded wildly before other circus people realized what had happened.
An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of senile dementia passed round a box of mothballs thinking that they were mints. Eleven people were taken to hospital for treatment.
Why Cats Are Better Than Men
1. A CAT always hits the litter box.
2. Better chance of training a CAT.
3. No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don’t have to pretend you like it.
4. You never have to spend time with your CAT’s mother.
5. If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.
6. A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.
7. You can de-claw a CAT… try to get a guy to clip his toenails.
8. It’s okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.
9. You don’t have to worry about your CAT turn into a pig when you host a party.
10. A CAT knows you’re the key to his happiness… A man thinks he is.
11. If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.
Women With PMS
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS…
I’m sorry… what did you ask me?
The Top Ten Times In History When It Was OK To Use The ‘F’ Word
1. “What the fuck was that?” -Mayor of Hiroshima
2. “Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” -Custer
3. “Any fucking idiot could understand that.” -Einstein
4. “It does SO fucking look like her!” -Picasso
5. “All right who threw that fucking apple?” – Isaac Newton
6. “You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?” -Michaelangelo
7. “I don’t suppose it’s gonna fu(king rain.” -Joan of Arc
8. “Scattered fucking showers…my ass!” -Noah
9. “I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!” -JFK
10. “Aw, c’mon Monica, who the fuck is going to find out?” -Bill Clinton
Do Not Mention These When Calling In Sick To Work
01) “Can’t make it in today – there’s a new Marmaduke in the paper!!”
02) “To be honest, I’m just not a big Wednesday guy.”
03) “Did Jesus have to call in to the office when he was taking a sick day?”
04) “Let’s just say that I have contracted a severely infectious sexually-transmitted disease that’s currently wreaking havoc on every inch of my genitals, and leave it at that.”
05) “Ugh, whenever I’m at the office, I get that old feeling like it’s 1941 and I’m Hitler and I’ve accidentally wandered into a Nuremberg sex party wearing my niece’s powder blue negligee again. You smell what I’m steppin’ in, Mr. Blumenfeld?”
06) “Just having a little difficulty sorting out what’s reality and what’s dreamscape, that’s all.”
07) “Maybe I’ll start coming in more often when you tards stop being so anal with your whole ‘no Bang Bus at the office’ bullshit.”
08) “Today I must commence the reeducation of my Pomeranian-Beagle mix, ‘Little Lord Fontleroy.’”
09) “My nu metal band has a gig in Southeast Hidalgo this afternoon.”
10) “I need to make more time for the things that make me happy, and my roommate just bought a handle of McCormick’s Vanilla and a copy of Bumfights 4: Return of the Ruckus.”
11) “Why I gonna be crackulatin’ on y’all hood bitches when shawty’s milkshake right here in mah crib, son?”
12) “My head feels funny. And by my head, I mean my Johnson. And by my Johnson, I mean my abnormally small Johnson. Hey that reminds me, how small would you guess my Johnson is? No, come on, please guess? If you would just take a guess I’ll come in today! Please?!”
13) “Why are you calling me? Didn’t you see my Facebook status? I’m meditating!”
14) “Duh, I’ll be at my dad’s office. Is today not Take Your Child to Work Day, or what the fu(k?”
15) “I know I said this last time too, but this time I really did only mean to send the sexts to the legal department, not the whole office.”
16) “I still don’t see why me cooking the fries from home today is going to pose such a big ‘problem’ for you.”
17) “Don’t you ever have those nights when you can’t fall asleep and you just lie there staring at the clock, so you help yourself to just a little too much cocaine and Percocet, and suddenly you become convinced that you’re the small, venom-spewing dinosaur from Jurassic Park, so you wander out into the park looking for small animals to eat and/or mate with, but in the process of chasing a squirrel up a large oak tree, you fall off the branch, land on your head and slip into unconsciousness, only to wake up the next morning in a strange church with your eyebrows shaved off and your hands smelling of lighter fluid? Anyway, I’ll try to make it in after lunch.”
Master Card Wedding
You got to love this guy…
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.
It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride’s family and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8×10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests’ reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, ‘Fuck you!’ Then he turned to his bride and said, ‘Fuck you!’
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, ‘I’m outta here.’
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge–making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard ‘priceless’ commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodation in Maui: $8,500.
The look on everyone’s face when they see the 8×10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.
There are some things money can’t buy, for everything else there’s MASTERCARD
‘Life isn’t like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it’s more like a jar of Jalapeños–what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow……’