Charlie Chaplin Swallowed by a Factory Machine – Modern Times (1936)
Celebrities On Each Other
“Can’t act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.”
- Anonymous screen test about Fred Astaire
“A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.”
- Tom Shales talking about Robin Williams
“When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor’s Orphanage – he shot both his parents and moved in.”
- Bob Hope talking about Jack Benny
“Martin’s acting is so inept that even his impersonation of a lush seems unconvincing.”
- Harry Medved on Dean Martin
“Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.”
- Joan Rivers
“He moves like a parody between a majorette girl and Fred Astaire.”
- Truman Capote on Mick Jagger
“Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.”
- Rex Reed talking about Marlon Brando
“Spielberg isn’t a filmmaker, he’s a confectioner.”
- Alex Cox on Steven Spielberg
“What makes him think a middle aged actor, who’s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?”
- Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood’s bid to become mayor of Carmel
“If I found her floating in my pool, I’d punish my dog.”
- Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono
“She is closer to organized prostitution than anything else.”
- Former singer with the Smiths, Morrissey talking about Madonna
“It’s like kissing Hitler.”
- Tony Curtis talking about Marilyn Monroe
“She was good at being inarticulately abstracted for the same reason that midgets are good at being short.”
- Clive James also talking about Marilyn Monroe
“I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was – an Arctic region covered with ice.”
- Steve Martin
“A plumber’s idea of Cleopatra.”
- W. C. Fields talking about Mae West
“I couldn’t stand Janis Joplin’s voice. She was just a screaming little loudmouthed chick.”
- Arthur Lee on Janis Joplin
“A hack writer who would have been considered fourth rate in Europe, who tried out a few of the old proven ‘sure-fire’ literary skeletons with sufficient local color to intrigue the superficial and the lazy.”
- William Faulkner on Mark Twain
The Perfect Man
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He’ll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He’s a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or hurt you in any way
To hell with this endless poem
The perfect man is gay
How To Look Busy
Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you’ve created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of “business,” there’s no telling how far you’ll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.
Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.
Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.
Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, “Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now’s a great time to buy, I tell ya!”
Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, “Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining… Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now’s a great time to buy, I tell ya!”
Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisor.
Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia.
Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.
Reality: You are playing Tetris.
Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department.
Reality: You are paying your electric bill.
Appearance: You are reading the computer manual.
Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the computer manual.
Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought.
Reality: You have pressed “Escape” just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled “Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff”
Things You Don’t Want To Hear Just Before Surgery
• “Wait, we were supposed to REMOVE the implants?”
• “This guy used to beat me up in junior high! I’ll show him.”
• “Crud, I dropped my contact in there.”
• “Nurse, what does this button do? It does, uh oh.”
• “Don’t worry, it probably won’t happen to this one too.”
• “Lets cut this, just for fun.”
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, “You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?”
The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse.” The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man — can only think of one thing.”
The second day, the chief says, “What your wish today?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, “Typical white man — going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing.”
The last day comes, and the chief says, “This your last wish, white man. What you want?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!”
You Might Be A Redneck If…
• Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
• You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
• You think G-d looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
• You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
• Your father executes the “pull my finger” trick during Christmas dinner.
• You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45′s.
• You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl’.
• The people on Jerry Springer’s show remind you of your neighbors.
• You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
• You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it’s wheels.
• You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
• Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
• You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
• You think there’s nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.
• You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
• You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.
• Ya can’t get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
• The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
• You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
• You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
• You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
• Your whole family is Republicans except little Mary. She got to readin’.
• You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
• You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
• You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table…in front of her kids.
• You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don’t drink.
• You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
• The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
• You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
• You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
Justice In America??
These are from a book called ‘Disorder in the American Courts’ and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.
Speaking Of Women
“Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible”
- Margaret Mead
“He’s a male chauvinistic piglet.”
- Betty Friedan talking about Groucho Marx
“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?”
- Cynthia Heimel
“Bambi with testosterone.”
- Owen Gleiberman on The Artist Formerly Known As Prince
“He has turned almost alarmingly blond – he’s gone past platinum, he must be plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth.”
- Pauline Kael talking about Robert Redford
“In conversation he is even duller than in writing, if that is possible.”
- Juliana Smith on Noah Webster
“He’s a great singer – but he’s not the most masculine guy, is he?”
- Alexander O’Neal on Michael Jackson
Four Little Words
Jill and Nadine hadn’t seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Jill confided that there really wasn’t anyone special in her life.
Nadine, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.
“He’s perfect. He’s handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I’ve been waiting to hear a man say to me!”
“He said ‘will you marry me’?” Jill asked.
Nadine replied, “No, he said ‘put your money away’”
How Blonde Was She???
She was Soooooooo Blonde
• She thought a quarterback was a refund.
• She thought General Motors was in the army.
• She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
• She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
• At the bottom of an application where it says ‘Sign here:’ she wrote ‘Sagittarius.’
• She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
• She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
• Under ‘education’ on her job application, she put ‘Hooked On Phonics.’
• She tripped over a cordless phone.
• She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said ‘Concentrate.’
• She told me to meet her at the corner of ‘WALK’ and ‘DON’T WALK.’
• She tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
• She studied for a blood test.
• She sold the car for gas money.
• When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
• When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, ‘Airport Left,’ she turned around and went home.
• When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
• She thought if she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.
• She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
• She had a shirt that said ‘TGIF,’ which she thought stood for ‘This Goes In Front.’
• She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.