Sexy NSA Commercial With Sasha Grey
Monty Python – Self-Defense Against Fruit
Dr. Seuss’s Lesser-Known Books
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Are You My Proctologist?
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Feels a Ho
6. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo—Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fu(k Out!
12. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
13. The Bitch Set Me Up
14. I’ve Fallen — And I Can’t Get Up!
15. Yentl the Lentil
16. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
17. Aunts in My Pants
18. Hop On Mom
19. Oh, the Place You’ll Scratch and Sniff!
20. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
21. The Grinch’s Ten Inches
SAT Score Decay
As we all know SAT scores have been on the decline for years.
The following may be the reason why.
A math problem in the 60′s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price. What is his profit?
A math problem in the 70′s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this
price, or $80. What is his profit?
A math problem in the 70′s using New Math
A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C of the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set M, and answer the following question:
What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?
A math problem in the 80′s
A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is
$20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.
A math problem in the 90′s under Outcome Based Education.
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of
living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)
Honest Bumper Stickers
– All men are idiots, and I married their king.
– Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.
– I brake for no apparent reason.
– Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.
– Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
– I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
– Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
– Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
– I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
– Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.
– Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
– Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
– Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.
– Consciousness cuts into my napping.
– Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
– There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
– Keep honking. I’m reloading.
Dear Mom and Dad,
Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?
The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.
It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He lets us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake.
It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said he got sick that way with food he ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
By the way, what is a pedophile?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy Vaseline. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.
More Murphy’s Laws On War
1. Friendly fire…..isn’t.
2. Suppressive fire…..doesn’t.
3. If it’s stupid but it works…..it isn’t stupid.
4. If at first you don’t succeed…..call in an air strike.
5. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
6. If your attack is going really well…..it’s an ambush!
7. The enemies diversion is their main attack.
8. The enemy will attack on two occasions: When they are ready & When you are not.
9. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
10. Treat a five second fuse as if its a three second fuse.
11. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
12. A retreating enemy is just falling back and regrouping.
13. The important things are always simple and the simple things are always hard.
14. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will always fall short.
15. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
16. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
17. When you fortify your front, you will get shot in the back.
18. Incoming fire has the right of way.
19. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
20. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
21. The easy way is always mined.
22. If the enemy is within range…..so are you!
23. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
24. Equipment which must be shipped together as a set, never are.
25. Teamwork is essential: It gives the enemy some-one else to shoot at.
Kids’ Kitchen Terms
BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic “Yuck” before a food is even tasted.
CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.
DESSERT: The reason for eating a meal.
EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.
FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.
REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.
SODA POP: Shake ‘N Spray.
TABLE LEG: Percussion instrument.
What Did He Say?
This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia. It was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
Room Service: “Morny. Ruin sorbees.”
Guest: “Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.”
RS: “Rye. Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??”
Guest: “Uh..yes..I’d like some bacon and eggs.”
RS: “Ow July den?”
RS: “Ow July den – fry, boy, pooch?”
G: “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please.”
RS: “Ow July dee bayhcem – crease?”
G: “Crisp will be fine”
RS: “Hokay. An San tos?”
RS: “San tos. July San tos?”
G: “I don’t think so”
RS: “No? Judo one toes??”
G: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo one toes’ means.”
RS: “Toes! toes!..Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?”
G: “English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’ Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”
RS: “We bother?”
G: “No..just put the bother on the side.”
G: “I mean butter – just put it on the side.”
G: “Yes. Coffee please, and that’s all.”
RS: “One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy….rye??”
G: “Whatever you say.”
G: “You’re welcome”
Have a good day
Signs You’re No Longer In College
– You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.
– Your potted plants stay alive.
– You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.
– Your friends’ hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.
– You attend parties that the police don’t raid.
– You’re not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking.
– You refer to college students as “those kids.”
– You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer.
– You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.
– At 6 a.m., you’re putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.
– Naps are no longer weekday options.
– Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.
– Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips.
– You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.
More Ways To Annoy People
1. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way”
2. Drum on every available surface
3. Staple papers in the middle of the page
4. Ask 800 operators for dates
5. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings
6. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks
7. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”
8. Set alarms for random times
9. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet Mignon
10. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed’s stereo, with the volume properly adjusted
11. Honk and wave to strangers
12. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange
13. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show
14. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies
15. Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed’s “Metal machine Music”
16. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE
17. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets
18. Pay for your dinner with pennies
19. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes
20. Light road flares on a birthday cake
21. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley
22. Leave tips in Bolivian currency
23. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador”
24. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly
What Not To Say To A Policeman
– I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
– Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize I was driving.
– Wow, you must’ve been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
– I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
– You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
– You look just like my girlfriend’s deadbeat ex-husband.
– The question is — do YOU know why you pulled me over?
– I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it’s miles ahead of me.
– If you have to ask if I’ve been drinking, I’m not going to tell you, dude.
– It wasn’t my fault — when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.
– That’s a sweet 9mm. You want to see my .44 magnum?
– If I’d known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!