Honest University Commercial
Things I’ve Learned From My Boys (honest and not kidding):
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas…
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR’s do not eject “PB &J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:
a) For those with no children – this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control
Rejected State Mottos
Alabama Literacy Ain’t Everything Y’all
Alaska Nobody Exciting Lives Here
Arizona It’s Not the Heat, It’s the Stupidity
Arkansas More Than Kansas
California The Bible State (Fire, Floods, Quakes and Drought)
Colorado Squarer Than Wyoming
Connecticut New York City‘s other Suburb
Delaware The First State, But Not Much Since Then
Florida Come Retire with Us
Georgia Most Rednecks ’round These Parts
Hawaii Ha Ha — We’re here, and You’re Not!
Idaho The White Potato Supremacist State
Illinois We’re in the Middle Somewhere
Indiana Bring Something to Do
Iowa Captain Kirk Is Our Only Famous Son
Kansas Don’t Blame Us, We Voted For Dole
Kentucky Bourbon and Horses Don’t Mix
Louisiana If’en Purchase So Big, How Come Were So Damn Small?
Maine Shut Up and Eat a Lobster
Maryland We’ve Got DC Surrounded
Massachusetts Boston and Cape Cod, But, That’s About It
Michigan The State, not the Lake Stupid
Minnesota Land of 7,000 lakes and 3,000 man-made ponds
Mississippi In more Spelling Bee’s than Any Other State
Missouri We are not stubborn, just thorough
Montana Big Skies, not Much Else Though
Nebraska Where Elephants Roam the Corn Fields
Nevada Waiting for California to Fall Into the Ocean
New Hampshire We’re Just Like Vermont, But Smaller
New Jersey Formerly Old Jersey
New Mexico We Copied Hampshire’s, Mexico’s and York’s Idea
New York Yes, We Have Some Other Cities
North Carolina We’re Part of Dixie. Don’t Let Our Name Fool Y’all!
North Dakota No, We’re not Part of Canada
Ohio As Close to A Palindrome as You’ll Get in This Country
Oklahoma From a Musical with the Same Name
Oregon No Taxes, No Pollution, No Visitors
Pennsylvania Cook and Heat with Coal
Rhode Island No, We’re Not Surrounded by Water
South Carolina The “other” Carolina, only better
South Dakota Closer than North Dakota
Tennessee The Parallelogram State, Whatever That Means
Texas Don’t Mess with Texas — We’re Armed
Utah Our Jesus is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont We’re Only Cheap in Monopoly
Virginia Tobacco Is Only a Hobby
Washington No, the Capitol has “DC” after its name
West Virginia We Figured There Was Enough “North’s” and “News”
Wisconsin Eat Cheese or Die
Wyoming Flat Is Where It’s At
THINGS A CONSULTANT SHOULDN’T SAY TO A CLIENT
- That was my first guess as well, but then I thought about it
- You should see the hotel I’m staying at
- Hey, I just realized that I was in junior high when you started working here
- I like this office space. I’ll have them put me in here when you’re gone
- My rental car is nicer than that junker you’re driving
- Sure it’ll work; I learned it in business school
- So what do you need me to tell you?
- Of course it’s right; the spreadsheet says so
- I could just tell you the answer, but we’re committed to a six month contract
- What are you, stupid?
THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T SAY AT A CONSULTANT INTERVIEW
- I’m a t-shirt and jeans kinda person
- Do you pay overtime?
- I hate flying
- I’m useless without ten hours of sleep a night
- There are lies, damn lies, and statistics
- Are your rental cars covered for collision?
- College taught me working in teams is great for slackers
- I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to remember whole phrases
- Two words: family first
- Call it what you want, it still means firing people
WAYS TO TELL YOU’RE MARRIED TO A CONSULTANT
- Referred to the first month of your relationship as a “diagnostic period”
- Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late
- Takes a half-day at the office because, “Sunday is your day”
- Congratulates your parents for successful value creation
- Tries to call room-service from the bedroom
- Ends any argument by saying, “Let’s talk about this off-line”
- Celebrates your anniversary by conducting a performance review
- Can’t be trusted with the car — too accustomed to beating up rentals
- Valentine’s Day card has bullet points
- Refers to lovemaking as a “win-win” situation
WAYS TO TELL YOU’VE GOT THE CONSULTING BUG
- Can’t stop using words that don’t exist
- Worried that he who dies with the most frequent-flyer miles wins
- Use so many “buzz words” in conversation, friends think you’re speaking a foreign language
- Constant urge to give advice on subjects you know nothing about
- Always hyphenating words that-don’t-need-to-be-hyphenated
- Compose your grocery list using bullet points
- Can fit the thematic undercurrents of War and Peace into a two-by-two matrix
- Tired of having a social life beyond work
- A two-page story in Business Week is all it takes to make you an expert
- Firmly believe that an objective viewpoint means more than any real work experience
THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR FROM A CONSULTANT
- You’re right; we’re billing you way too much for this
- Bet you I can go a week without saying “on board” or “value-added”
- How about paying me based on the success of the project?
- This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read about
- Actually, the only difference is that I charge more than they do
- I don’t know enough to speak intelligently about that
- Implementation? I only care about writing long reports
- I can’t take the credit. It was George in your MIS department
- The problem is, you have too much work for too few people
- Everything looks OK to me, you’re doing just fine
How to Get Kicked Out Of Chemistry Class!
As always, do not try any of the following in real life!
9. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
8. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?”
7. Mutter repeatedly, “Not again… not again… not again.”
6. When it’s very quiet, suddenly cry out, “My eyes!”
5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
4. Write on the board – “Picnic Today” and then when your classmates arrive, begin toasting marshmallows over the bunsen burner.
3. Pour glycerin on all of the counters, and watch the equipment and chemical bottles slide off as they are used in your classmates’ experiments
2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid
and last but not least…
1. Carry a small vile of water and tell everyone that you have the secret to invisibility in there. Place the bottle down and pretend not to be watching it very carefully.
Actually the worst penalty for bigamy is having two mother-in-laws.
The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left. She said, “Hon, I thought you were going to your Lodge meeting.”
“It was postponed.” he replied. “The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn’t let him go out tonight.”
Father grumbling to his two boys as he reluctantly gets ready for an evening out: “Other kids make their Mothers too tired to want to go out — but not you two.”
Nothing ruins a neighborhood more for the average husband than when a combination enthusiastic gardener – lawn care nut moves in.
Father to his teen-aged son: “When I was your age, I would have felt lucky to have use of the family car, whether I agreed with the bumper sticker or not.”
There was a married couple who were in a terrible auto accident. The woman’s face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin. However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one, not even his wife, be told of this. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty. She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!” He replied, “Oh don’t worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your Mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek.”
Friend of mine was using the pay phone in a bar. After he had finished he walked over and I offered to buy him a beer. “Thanks.” he said. “Boss won’t let me use the phone at work for personal calls, and the wife and two daughters won’t let me at home.”
A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.”
Things Dumb People Have Done …
1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other’s head.
3. A young teller was new to the job when she was approached by her first robber. Noticing that the man’s grammar was not the greatest, the teller figured that the would be criminal was slightly slow. She told the robber that he had to have an account to rob a bank. Disappointed, the man left.
4. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film’s depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
5. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
6. A criminal who broke into a couple’s house started to take the TV, but instead he turned it on and began to watch. He supposedly liked the program that was on and laid down on the bed. Since it was at night he was tired and fell asleep. So when the couple came home the next day they found him and called the police.
7. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
8. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
9. David Posman, 33, was arrested in Providence, Rhode Island, after knocking out an armored car driver and stealing four bags of money. Each bag contained $800 dollars. However, the bags weighed thirty pounds each since they all contained pennies. The hefty bags slowed the fleeting criminal to a sluggish stagger. Police easily ran down and arrested the suspect.
10. A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
11. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.
and last but not least…
12. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
1. Dinner will be ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
3. If, we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
5. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
6. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
7. Help keep the kitchen clean … eat out.
8. Housework done properly can kill you.
9. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
10. My next house will have no kitchen …just vending machines
Sunday Dinner At Grandma’s House
Little Tommy and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandma’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Tommy received his plate he started eating right away.
“Tommy, wait until we say our prayer.” his mother told him.
“I don’t have to.” the boy replied.
“Of course you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s our house,” Tommy explained. “But this is grandma’s house, and she knows how to cook.”
Quotes From Roseanne
“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”
“My husband and I didn’t sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.”
“Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you’re feeling festive?”
“Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling a hundred miles.”
“When my husband comes home, if the kids are still alive, I figure I’ve done my job.”
“My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.”
In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, “Sorry, we’re open.”
“My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheese Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.”
“The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.”
“The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.”
“Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we’ll take up, and the more we’ll have to be reckoned with.”
“It’s okay to be fat. So you’re fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.”
“I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.”
“I call myself a ‘domestic goddess.”
“I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people…that’s why I don’t like any of them.”
“Dealing with a guy is like eating a doughnut one piece at a time. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there’s my personal favorite, the male ego.”
A Single Woman’s Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don’t send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.
One good man who’s sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn’t lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn’t smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.
Is super-rich like Michael J.
On second thought, that’s okay.
Man, if I should die before I wake,
That would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don’t let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won’t go out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He’d probably be just some schmuck.
The single life is not that bad
I know it’s just a passing fad.
I won’t be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won’t comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.