Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for un-chaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude … I like that.
7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies — you know — that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father’s Day? aahh — don’t worry about that — it’s no big deal.
A Letter To Tide
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it all of my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am almost fifty I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I also ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!
I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!
Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people…
I Love This Doctor!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening…. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It’s the best feel-good food around!!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, “WOO HOO, What a Ride!”
Did You Ever Wonder?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to “put your two cents in”…but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
The Psychiatrist And The Proctologist
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics – no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives – thumbs down again.
Then came Minds and Behinds – still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes – unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts – no way. Freaks and Cheeks – still no good. Loons and Moons – forget it. Almost at their wit’s end, the docs finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones – Specializing in Odds and Ends.
Everybody loved it.
A Lesson In Capitalism
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cow-kimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.
A GREEK CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
Words That Should Be Invented
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor’ de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and fold a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib’ re um) n. The point at which the stream of drinking water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from: (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
BURGACIDE (burg’ uh side) n. When a hamburger can’t take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz’ acks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, “Do you work here?”
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow “remove” all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub’ ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear-view mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye’ ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS (el bon’ iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
ELECELLERATION (el a sel er ay’ shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until s/he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open here”
spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the “illegal”
NEONPHANCY (ne on’ fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob’ ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup’ kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re six inches away.
Funny One Liners
“99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name”
“A day without sunshine is like, night.”
“Honk if you love Peace and Quiet”
“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.”
“As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools”
“Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep”
“The gene pool could use a little chlorine.”
“I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.”
“When there’s a will, I want to be in it!”
“Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.”
“Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.”
“Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”
“Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?”
“Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?”
The Procrastinator Handbook
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.
How To Hire More White Men For Your Office
Diversity is an important value in the workplace.
Hello there! So, you run an office, and have suddenly realized that there are NO white men in it! You’re a bit embarrassed – how did your company grow to this size with absolutely no white men?
Of course, it isn’t your fault that you don’t have white men – you’ve always hired bright young things who remind you of yourself, and they’ve always just happened to not be white men.
Anyway, you’ve decided it’s about time you hired a white man for your office. Good for you!
Have a gold star.
Your first step should be to talk publicly about your commitment to hiring more white men. Bring it up constantly. Bring it up every month in company meetings for at least a year.
Then, after a good long wait without actually doing anything, hold a meeting with your colleagues about how to *find* white men. Where the hell are they hiding? They just don’t APPLY for the jobs. Do they even exist?!
Perhaps your personal networks don’t include many white men. That’s OK! It’s completely normal. Lots of people don’t know any white men.
They’re pretty hard to find, to be fair.
But the good news is, if you can find ONE white man, you can ask HIM if he has any other white male friends who might be appropriate for the role. Ask him if he has, for example, a little white book full of white male names.
It’s well known that most white men have one of these and will be more than willing to share it with you!
Now, we know what you’re thinking – what if I want to hire the *best possible person* for this job, and it’s not a white man?
Yes, it’s annoying to think that by specifically seeking out a white man to hire, you are giving white men a very unfair advantage over other, better candidates. Just because you have no white men in your office doesn’t mean you should just chuck one in for the sake of it.
But remember, having a white man will increase the skills and knowledge your office can provide – and that’s good for business!
It’s a good practice to make sure that when you’re hiring, you should always have at least ONE person come in to interview for the role who’s a white man.
Of course, you don’t actually have to end up hiring that person – they may not fit the company culture, and there’s nothing you can do about that.
Whatever you do, don’t let yourself be put off by the way that white men speak. It can be very jarring sometimes, but remember, it’s not their fault! It is their fault, however, if they’re just not a good cultural fit.
Anyway, if you’re lucky, you can find a white man who grew up around mostly non-white people. Perhaps he was the only white man in his school, for example!
Ideally, those are the white men you’re looking for, because after a while you’ll just forget they’re a white man completely! And since you probably don’t see color anyway, it’s the perfect situation.
Once you’ve hired your white man, make sure he appears in a prominent position in all office photographs. That way other people will see just how welcoming you are of white men.
But whether or not you ever hire a white man again, your job isn’t QUITE done! You still have this one to look after!
If you want to make sure your white man doesn’t get fed up and leave, it’s a good idea to make sure you make some changes to ensure your white man feels safe and appreciated.
For example, play “Mr. Brightside” at all office parties.
White men love that song.
If you make him feel comfortable, you’ll be amazed how well your white man gets along with everyone else.
Now, after a few weeks, you might start to get a bit frustrated with your white man.
He might start bringing up the fact he’s the only white man in every meeting, and complaining about how, despite your very best efforts, the environment you kindly invited him to work in isn’t actually that great. What you can do if this happens is set up some sort of diversity seminar in which you discuss the kinds of things he’s complained about.
If no one but the white man turns up, no big deal! Pat yourself on the back for having thought of a diversity seminar.
Congratulations, you’ve now hired one white man for your office, and convinced him to stick around for a little while.
Well done. You’ve accomplished so much. Now you can go back to hiring the people you *really* wanted.
Race really shouldn’t matter in hiring decisions, anyway.