Advice To Dumb Criminals
Based on what other dumb criminals have actually done
If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on foot… *Do* pick a more subtle color to wear than bright yellow pants.
*Don’t* invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat about a crime you witnessed if you have dope on the table in plain view.
When you go on a burglary spree *Do* ensure you have enough gas in your vehicle to drive away from your crime scene.
“But I know the people who live here” is *Not* a valid justification for burglarizing a neighbors house when they are out of town.
When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test *Don’t* say, “Well, I can’t do that sober!” on camera, and then plead not guilty.
If you are going to steal a car *Do* pick one that will blend in traffic better than a pearl white six door limo.
*Don’t* answer a question with the phrase, “Who me?” when you and the officer are the only people in a ten mile radius.
*Don’t* repeat the question that the officer just asked.
It’s considered a stall technique and it gives away the fact you are getting ready to lie through your teeth.
*Don’t* say, “I ain’t got no dope. Why you wanna search my car?” before the officer even introduces himself / herself on the traffic stop.
*Do* pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the police about your name.
*Do* ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give when lying about your birthday.
When you attempt to drop your dope on the ground when approached by an officer, *Don’t* bounce said dope off the toe of the officer’s boot.
*Do* come up with something better to say than, “These aren’t my pants” when the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your pocket.
If you are going to jump into a stranger’s fenced back yard *Do* make sure a police K-9 vehicle is not parked in the driveway.
*Don’t* ask an off duty plain clothes officer in his privately owned vehicle for a ride away from your crime scene.
Co-Worker vs Couple
Jill and Jack were co-workers. After a long frustrating day of working together on a project, Jill said, “Jack my dear, if you were my husband, I would have put poison in your coffee.”
Jack responds with a sigh, “Jill, if you were my wife, I would have taken it.”
Things That Sound Dirty But Aren’t
TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN’T
10. Nuts…my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn’t:
Hold up…I need to wash my balls first
TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW BUT AREN’T
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let’s do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn’t:
Think you can get me off?
It’s Fun Saying The Truth
• Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
• Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
• Are your parents siblings?
• As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
• Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
• Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
• Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
• Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen at birth?
• Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
• Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling – in your skull?
• Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
• Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
• Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
• Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It’ll only take 10 seconds.
• Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
• He has a mind like a steel trap – always closed!
• He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
• He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
• He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.
• Here’s 25 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
• Hi! I’m a human being! What are you?
• How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
• I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.
• I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.
• I bet your mother has a loud bark!
• I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
• I don’t consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
Headlines From The Year: 2042
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Lichtenstein. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4,532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.
IRS sets lowest tax rate to 75 percent.
Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
I Love This Country!
It’s The Government That Scares Me!
You Might Be An E.R. Doctor If…
1) Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
2) Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
3) You think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
4) You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.
5) You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.
6) You say to yourself “great veins” when looking at complete strangers.
7) You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy it is quiet around here.”
8) You have ever referred to someone’s death as a transfer to the “Eternal Care Unit”.
9) You have ever had a patient say, “But I’m not pregnant, I can’t be pregnant. How can I be having a baby?”
10) You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say “I have no idea how that got stuck in there”.
11) Your most common assessment question is “what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?”
Universal Corporate Translator
You’ll be making under $6 an hour
“ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY”:
You’re paid under $6 an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year
“AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY”:
There’s no chance in hell we’ll be the next Microsoft
Once it’s shared among the brass, you get what’s left
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”:
We have no time to train you (and/or) please introduce yourself to your co-workers
“NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER”:
Inc Magazine mentioned us a few years ago
The person who had this job gave notice a month ago–We’re just now running the ad
“SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER”:
We’re can’t supply you with leads; (and/or) there’s no base salary to speak of; (and/or) you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check
Don’t expect Management to answer questions
“WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS”:
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $35 co-pay
After 3 years, we’ll allow you to fund your own 401(k)
“SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE”:
Who won’t notice our internship-level salaries
“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings
We have a lot of turnover (and/or) Lots of intra-office back stabbing
“EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT”:
Guys in gray suits bore you with tales of Total Quality Management (TQM)
“JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM”:
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes
“FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT”:
Your coworkers will be insulted if you don’t drink with them
“A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT”:
We booze it up at company parties and after work hours
“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day
“SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED”:
If we’re in trouble, you have to explain it to the customer
“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”:
Some time each night and some time each weekend
“A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION”:
We can’t afford any office partitions, let alone offices
Work 40 hours; plus whatever your supervisor asks you to
“DUTIES WILL VARY”:
Anyone in the office can boss you around
“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”:
We have no quality control to speak of
“COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED”:
Unless you blew four years studying something useless
“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”:
We’ve filled the job; this ad is just a legal formality
“SEEKING CANDIDATE WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left
“SEEK CANDIDATE REQUIRING LITTLE OR NO SUPERVISION”:
You’re on your own here Bunko; sink or swim
“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”:
This is a company in perpetual chaos and turmoil
“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”:
You’ll have managerial responsibilities, w/o the pay
“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”:
Brass communicate, you listen, you figure out what they want
“ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD”:
You whine, you’re outta here!
More Pick Up Line Responses
These are suggestions for women responding to pick up lines:
Pick Up Line: I want to give myself to you
Female Response: Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts
Pick Up Line: I can tell that you want me
Female Response: Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you… to leave
Pick Up Line: Hey, baby, What’s your sign?
Female Response: Stop
Pick Up Line: Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Female Response: Sorry, I don’t date outside my species
Pick Up Line: May I see you pretty soon?
Female Response: Why? Don’t you think I’m pretty now?
Pick Up Line: Your body is like a temple.
Female Response: Sorry, there are no services today.
Pick Up Line: I’d go through anything for you
Female Response: Good! Let’s start with your bank account
Pick Up Line: I would go to the end of the world for you
Female Response: Yes, but would you stay there?
Pick Up Line: Your place or mine?
Female Response: Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.
After hearing a Pick up line: I like your approach, now let’s see your departure.
If you are looking at a girl and she says “What are you looking at?” say “I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken.”
Pick Up Line: Does beauty run in your family?
Female Response: It obviously doesn’t in yours!
Pick Up Line: What’s your name sexy?
Female Response: Taken!
Pick Up Line: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?
Female Response: Yeah, but this time don’t stop!
Pick Up Line: I think you’re the best looking girl in here
Female Response: Really? Well, I’d better go find the best looking guy then, hadn’t I!
Pick Up Line: Can I buy you a drink?
Female Response: Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!
Pick Up Line: You look like a dream.
Female Response: Go back to sleep
Pick Up Line: What’s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
Female Response: What’s it like being the biggest liar in the world?
Pick Up Line: I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included
Female Response: Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk
Top Ten Signs That You Are Too Drunk
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
5. You fall off the floor.
5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
4. You haven’t had a driver’s license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
3. Roseanne looks good.
2. You don’t recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
Quotes About Men & Woman
• It’s not the men in my life that counts – it’s the life in my men. (Mae West)
• Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me. (Mae West)
• It’s better to be looked over than overlooked. (Mae West)
• Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet. (Mae West)
• It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up whom. (Joan Rivers)
• I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. (Joan Rivers)
• Oh Lord, give me chastity, but do not give it yet. (St. Augustine)
• What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark Twain)
• Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage. (Ambrose Bierce)
• Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I’m tired. (Mae West)
• My wife is a sex object – every time I ask for sex, she objects. (Les Dawson)
• My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. (Jack Benny)
• A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. (Rudyard Kipling)
• By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)
• A man is only as old as the woman he feels. (Groucho Marx)
• I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine – we were both crazy about girls. (Groucho Marx)
• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)
• Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity. (George Bernard Shaw)
• Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. (George Bernard Shaw)
• Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking. (Bill Vaughan)
• Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)
• My wife has a slight impediment in her speech – every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante)
• The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)
• When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that’s mad. (Helen Rowland)
• When you see what some women marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. (Helen Rowland)
• I married beneath me, all women do. (Nancy Astor)
• The state has no place in the nation’s bedrooms. (Pierre Trudeau)
• The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform. (Alfred Kinsey)
• A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
• I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
• You mean apart from my own. (Zsa Zsa Gabor, asked how many husbands she had had)