Pixar’s Next 7 Movies Unveiled!
Groucho Marx Quotes
1. I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
2. Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.
3. He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
4. Room service? Send up a larger room.
5. Now there’s a man with an open mind-you can feel the breeze from here.
6. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
7. I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions. The curtain was up.
8. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
9. Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
10. Look, if you don’t like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can’t find that, you can leave in a taxi.
11. I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
12. How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them.
13. Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
14. From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
15. I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I’ll dance with the cows till you come home.
16. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
17. Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
18. There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit…retire!
19. Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
20. Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
21. Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
22. If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
23. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
24. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
25. Quote me as saying I was miss-quoted.
26. A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
27. Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ‘How many of you have forgiven your enemies?’
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
‘Mrs. Neely’ ‘Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?’
I don’t have any.’ She replied, smiling sweetly.
‘Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?’
‘Ninety-eight.’ she replied.
‘Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?’
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
‘I outlived the A-holes.’
Children & Parents
• Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. (David Frost)
• Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be at 11.30 tonight. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter. (James T. Adams)
• Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. (Jim Bishop)
• Children really brighten up a household – they never turn the lights off. (Ralph Bus)
• There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus. (Bob Phillips)
• I never met a kid I liked. (W.C. Fields)
• Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad. (W.C. Fields)
• Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. (Socrates)
• I like children – fried. (W.C. Fields)
• Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it. (Groucho Marx)
• Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up.’ (Joe Namath)
• There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. (Mona Crane)
• When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he’d learned in seven years. (Anonymous, often erroneously attributed to Mark Twain)
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn. had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.
The brand new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Hotel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.
From the moment the hotel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the hotel management to change its number.
Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.
The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else’s calls 24 hours a day didn’t make them responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands. At 9 o’clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the hotel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, “No problem. How many nights?”
A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. “No, that won’t be necessary,” Leola said. “We trust you.”
The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers’ convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II. She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter’s wedding in June.
Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. “There’s no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers.”
Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Hotel was a disaster area. People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the hotel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, “We’re prepared to offer you $200,000 for the hotel.”
Leola replied. “We’ll take it, but only if you change the telephone number.”
More F My Life
These are from web site called fmylife.com and I only hope their made up.
Today, I was having se x with my boyfriend. When he was about to org asm, he screamed “Yes Brittany!” at the top of his lungs. My name’s not Brittany. That’s his sister. FML
Today, the girl I love and I went to visit my parents out of state for the first time. My father grinned and acknowledged that she was a “keeper”, at which she laughed and said we were “just friends”. I was going to propose to her next week. FML
Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don’t have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML
Today, my mom walked in on me looking at a 1978 playboy. She asked if I found it in the basement. I said yes. Then I realized she was the centerfold. FML
Today, I looked on my sister’s phone. There was a text from her boyfriend: “Let’s go camping again, I bought more cond oms so we won’t make a big mess this time.” Last time they went camping, they borrowed my sleeping bag. FML
Today, is my brothers 16th birthday. He got keys to the Lexus. I’m 18, have no car, and got pajama pants and chap stick for my birthday. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 2 years sent me a text messages saying, “Don’t worry I’m gonna break up with her soon. Love you.” FML
Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I’ve slept with him. FML
Today, I found out that my ex-husband claimed our kids on his taxes when he wasn’t supposed to. Now it will take me longer to file mine and get my return. But oh my, he’ll have fun paying back the IRS! FML
Today, my portfolio manager called me and said he had invested all of my retirement money in Circuit City. FML
Today, I ran over a beer bottle which popped my car tire, which then caused me to swerve into a police cruiser. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after a year of living together. She told me that she met someone else and wanted to move out. She moved out… but moved her things into my roommate’s bedroom. FML
Today, someone stole both rear view mirrors from my scooter. And where was the police? They were 500m down the road, waiting to stop me for not having any mirrors. FML
Today, I was doing a strip tease for my husband. He asked me to stop. FML
The Polite Way To Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.” The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”
Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
“I would say, ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’”
The teacher fainted…
You Don’t Need Reasons To Drink, I Already Have Them
1. Your god forbids drinking and since when did you start taking orders from god?
2. Your girlfriend has rented a bunch of chick flicks you can snuggle to.
3. You’re under a lot of stress and if you don’t get crazy drunk you might do something crazy sober.
4. You gotta figure the odds of getting thrown in the drunk tank twice in one month are practically negligible.
5. If you don’t hunt the booze, the booze will surely hunt you.
6. When you write your memoirs you won’t have to go through the hassle of making up a bunch of decadent adventures.
7. That feisty barmaid might finally, you know, pick up on what you’re laying down.
8. Let’s face it: modern life is a shit storm and booze is the only umbrella without any holes in it.
9. 7-11 nachos with extra cheese substitute and chili only taste good when you can’t remember eating them.
10. Your boss gets all weirded out when you get drunk during the day.
12. Three Stooges episodes you’ve watched a hundred times are suddenly hilarious again.
13. The day will come when you will have to single-handedly face death, and there isn’t a person alive who can tell you what will happen next.
14. Hemingway shot himself after being sober for two months.
15. When your coworkers ask “What did you get up to last night?” you can smile all cool like and say “Maaaaaan, you don’t wanna know,” instead of chirping “I alphabetized my DVD collection and found out I have two copies of The Truth About Cats and Dogs! Two!”
16. Remember your childhood dream of meeting a brewery heiress and jet-setting around the world on her dime? You think that’s going to happen while sitting in your apartment watching Captain Picard surrender the Enterprise for the tenth straight episode?
17. It’s so much easier to ring up those old flames and explain exactly where they went wrong.
Signs Of Wear And Tear
OLD IS WHEN…Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”
OLD IS WHEN…Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
OLD IS WHEN…Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
OLD IS WHEN…”Getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber that day.
OLD IS WHEN…”Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
Women’s Night Out
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh sh*t.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted!
Why Men Can Never Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it’s favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.
If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don’t, your insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
If she asks you, it’s a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
If you don’t, you are gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don’t, you are unromantic.
If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don’t, you are not thoughtful.
If you are proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself.
If you don’t, you are not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.