Family Guy – Peter Becomes Deadpool
A Woman’s Random Thoughts
1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free……. You either married it or gave birth to it.
2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else always does.
6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
8) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how’d you like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body said, “Listen fatty …. do it and die.”
10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.
Are You Drunk?
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says,
“You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His friend looks at him and says,
“Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO’S HORNY????!!!” and she acts like she’s sound asleep! Works Every Time!!!
Wacky Job Interviews
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.
• An applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
• An applicant wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
• An applicant fell and broke his arm during the interview.
• A candidate announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office.
• An applicant explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.
• A candidate said he had never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
• A balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
• An applicant said that if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
• An applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
• A candidate brought a large dog to interview.
• An applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed while standing up.
• One candidate dozed off during interview.
A Week At The Gym
For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
They suggest I keep this “exercise diary” to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse.
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can’t help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I don’t have triceps. And if you don’t want dents in the floor don’t hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
Got Tanya’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Well, that’s the week. Thank God that’s over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist’s.
Things To Do At A Bowling Alley
• Every time you throw exclaim “TAKE THAT, YOU!!!” continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.
• Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to plate tectonics then loose him in lingo. Demand Compensation.
• Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.
• Wear Golf Shoes.
• Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.
• Dress up like an Amish man. Give speeches to others against the high technology used in bowling.
• Play bocce with extra lane balls
• Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about plate tectonics again
• Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tongues, then sit down as if nothing happened.
• Bring full fishing gear, ask how they’re biting
• Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.
• Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
• Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.
• Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.
• Make your presence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours.
• Root for the other team- Bring Banners.
• Make fun of your team- Bring Rotten Tomatoes.
• Tell the rival team captain that you just met his “little girl” walk away mumbling “how bad things happen”
• Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments
• Even if you miss totally–At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE
• Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.
• Rent all the lanes, don’t bowl
• Rent all the shoes, eat them
• Blatantly underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating
• When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball, run home.
• If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutter balls, blame plate tectonics
• Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone
• Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.
• Super Glue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers…leave town
• Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night
• Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an announcement, expond on the sins of bowling
• Name your ball something like “KILLER”, Openly boast to everyone how great you are, bowl terribly. Do this all night
• Sit in your lane and heckle others with a Bull Horn.
• Bring a dart gun…Be inventive.
• Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.
• Run around sprinkling “MAGIC FAIRY DUST” on everyone’s balls. Tar works nice.
• Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, that doesn’t even have a Entrance fee. Advertise it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a Porsche, 2nd Prize: $50,000 and a trip to Europe, 1st Prize: A coffee mug. Then sit back a watch the fights…..leave or cancel the whole thing.
• Hand out Pamphlets on plate tectonics.
A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can’t stand it any longer, and goes to her manager. Without identifying the guy, she tells her boss what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The manager is puzzled by this approach, and asks,
“What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies, “It’s Dave, the midget.”
What Men Really Mean
• “Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.” Really means…. “I forgot our anniversary again.”
• “You expect too much of me.” Really means…. “You want me to stay awake.”
• “It’s a really good movie.” Really means…. “It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Sharon Stone.”
• “That’s women’s work.” Really means…. “It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”
• “Will you marry me?” Really means…. “Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.”
• “Go ask your mother.” Really means…. “I am incapable of making a decision.”
• “You know how bad my memory is.” Really means…. “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
• “I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.” Really means…. “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
• “Football is a man’s game.” Really means…. “Women are generally too smart to play it.”
• “Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.” Really means…. “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”
• “I do help around the house.” Really means…. “I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”
• “Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.” Really means…. “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
• “I can’t find it.” Really means…. “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
• “What did I do this time?” Really means…. “What did you catch me at?”
• “What do you mean, you need new clothes?” Really means…. “You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.”
• “She’s one of those rabid feminists.” Really means…. “She refused to make my coffee.”
• “But I hate to go shopping.” Really means…. “Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.”
• “No, I left plenty of gas in the car.” Really means…. “You may actually get it to start.”
Funny Quotes On Business And Finance
• October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February. (Mark Twain)
• Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. (Mark Twain)
• Pennies don’t fall from heaven. They have to be earned on earth. (Margaret Thatcher)
• Oh, Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends. (Janis Joplin)
• The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one. (Mark Twain)
• My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)
• I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. (Charles Lamb)
• A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on. (Sam Goldwyn)
• Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan)
• The light at the end of the tunnel is just the light of an oncoming train. (Robert Lowell)
• What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. (Henny Youngman)
• There are three easy ways of losing money – racing is the quickest, women the most pleasant, and farming the most certain. (Lord Amherst)
• My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil. (Paul Getty)
• Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially legal tender. (Kay Ingram)
• I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. (Mark Twain)
• I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. (Groucho Marx)
• Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else. (Lyndon B. Johnson)
More Fun Things For Professors To Do On The First Day Of Class
1. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
2. Announce “you’ll need this”, and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
3. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
4. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
5. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
6. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, “Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN’T HEEEEEEAR YOU!”
7. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
8. Ask students to list their favorite show tunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
9. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
10. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
11. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
12. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
13. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about “that bug I picked up in the field”.
14. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture’s over when the bottle’s done.
15. Growl constantly and address students as “matey”.
16. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to “sit back and groove”.
17. Announce that last year’s students have almost finished their class projects.
18. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
19. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you “Snuggles”.
20. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you’ve named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don’t use it.
21. Address students as “worm”.
22. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
23. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
24. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute “commercial breaks” every ten minutes.
25. Of course, the most fun thing to do on the first day of class is to enjoy yourself, sleep in, and let the students wonder if they found the right room!
• Be awfully nice to them going up, because you’re going to meet them all coming down. (Jimmy Durante)
• Always be sincere, even if you don’t mean it. (Harry S. Truman)
• There is only one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says ‘yes’ he’s not honest. (Groucho Marx)
• Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. (Mark Twain)
• A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes. (Mark Twain)
• When I’m good, I’m very, very good, but when I’m bad, I’m better. (Mae West)
• Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. (Mae West)
• I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying ‘flee at once – all is discovered.’ They all left town immediately. (Mark Twain)
• It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. (Jerome K. Jerome)
• Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off guard and allow you opportunity to commit more. (Mark Twain)
• When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. (Winston Churchill)
• I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. (W.C. Fields)
• I’ve had a wonderful evening – but this wasn’t it. (Groucho Marx)
• Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. (Mark Twain)
• I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member. (Groucho Marx)
• Those are my principals, if you don’t like them….I have others.” (Groucho Marx)
• All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening. (Alexander Woollcott)
• A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar. (Mark Twain)
• Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. (Mark Twain)
• There is only one immutable law in life – in a gentleman’s toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way. (Hugh Leonard)
• Don’t tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don’t tell them where they know the fish. (Mark Twain)
• In my youth there were words you couldn’t say in front of a girl; now you can’t say ‘girl.’ (Tom Lehrer)
• Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. (Mark Twain)