Republicans, Get In My Vagina!
Billy Crystal – 1977 – Plays Muhammad Ali who converts to Judaism
14 Things To Do While Taking A Driver’s Test
1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, “buckle up!”
3. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of saran wrap down so he doesn’t dirty the seat.
4. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say “oops”.
5. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, “now which one is the gas again?”
6. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
7. Fill your car with beer bottles.
8. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
9. Tell the Registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
10. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
11. Swear at everybody on the road.
12. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
13. Beep your horn at everything.
14. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.
A young lady comes home from a date rather upset. She tells her mother, “Lenny proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you sad?” her mother asks.
“Because he also told me he is an atheist,” the girl responds. “Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother replies, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
Bizarre Laws From Around The World
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Yeah a mirror…)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Decapitation of which head is unknown…)
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time… Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.” (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam though!)
Proof That Men Have Better Friends Then Women
The wife didn’t come home last night. The next morning, she told her husband that she slept at a friend’s house. Husband phones her 10 best friends and none of them know anything about it.
One night the husband didn’t come home. The next morning he told her that he slept at a friend’s house. Wife phones his 10 best friends …
8 confirm that he slept over and 2 keep insisting that he was still there.
How To Get Your Roommate To Move Out
For entertainment purposes,….mostly.
Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
Move your roommate’s personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a couple of weeks.”
Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
Leave a declaration of war on your roommate’s desk. Include a list of grievances.
Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
Shave one eyebrow.
Listen to radio static.
Send secret admirer notes on your roommate’s e-mail.
Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls.
Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can’t remember who it was.
Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can’t answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don’t trust your ceiling.
Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where s/he can find them.
Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, “You shouldn’t have done that to me.”
Wear no clothes in the room except a cowboy hat.
Lay in the middle of the room and chant to pagan gods.
Plant grass in the carpet and scream at your roommate every time s/he takes a step in the room. Put up a ‘please don’t walk on the grass’ sign.
Give your roommate’s clothes to the Salvation Army.
Read lots of science fiction and begin to act as though you think your roommate is an alien in disguise. Jump on him/her and try to rip off the humanoid mask the alien is wearing.
Mount a wall-sized mirror on your wall and then ask your roommate not to look at it because demonic forces from the other side will escape into this world if s/he does.
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, the house wouldn’t be here!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money I wouldn’t be here.”
Maybe you heard about the man whose credit card was stolen but decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
On a calling card (presented to guests at the reception)
I am the Father of the Bride. Nobody’s paying much attention to me today, but I can assure you, that I am getting my share of attention. A bank and several business firms are watching me very closely.
A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, “Will you buy booze?” The bum said, “No.” The man asked, “Will you gamble it away?” The bum said, “No.” Then the man asked, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Blamestorming – Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Chainsaw Consultant – An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Percussive Maintenance – The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Uninstalled – Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: “You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance.” See also Decruitment.
SITCOMs – What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Starter Marriage – A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Tourists – People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”
Alpha Geek – The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “Ask Larry, he’s the alpha geek around here.”
Dancing Baloney – Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. “This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help.”
Flight Risk – Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
Generica – Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. “We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in.”
PEBCAK – Tech support shorthand for “Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard.” (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They’ve submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: “This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.”)
Men In General
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A power failure.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don’t work.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What’s the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
Why doesn’t it matter how often a married man changes his job?
He still ends up with the same boss.
Why don’t some men have a mid-life crisis?
They’re stuck in adolescence.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two – if you slice them very thinly.
Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
Because they are pigs.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys an extra case of beer.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What’s the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Why do doctors slap babies’ bums right after they’re born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they’re practicing to be men.
The Snickers Bar
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year old son, little Johnny, in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Snickers Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.
Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
‘There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,’ he shouted.
‘An ambulance just drove by!’
‘Looks like the Anderson‘s have company,’ he called out.
‘Matt’s riding a new bike!’
‘Looks like the Sanders are moving!’
‘Jason is on his skate board!’
After a few moments he announced, ‘The Coopers are having sex!’
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, ‘How do you know that?’
‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Snickers Bar.’
The Perfect Question
The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.
An officer stood up and asked, “Will there be a third world war? And, will Russia take part in it?”
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked, “Who will be the enemy?”
The general replied, “All indications point to China.”
Everyone in the audience was shocked.
A third officer remarked, “General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?”
The general answered, “Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters, but the quality of an army’s capabilities. For example, in the Middle East there have been several wars where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious.”
After a small pause, yet another officer – from the back of the auditorium asked,
“Do we have enough Jews?”