Angry Birds PSA
If Movies Had Internet
The Cynical Philosopher
♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?
♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like Grandma did as the car went over the edge of the mountain road.
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
♦ A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
♦ Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
♦ I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
The Married Man’s Scoreboard
(NOTE: a score of “0″ means it was expected of him)
* You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5
* But return with beer: -5
* You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing: 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something: +5
* You pummel it with a six iron: +10
* It’s her father: -10
* You stay by her side the entire party: 0
* You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2
* Named Tiffany: -4
* Tiffany is a dancer: -6
* Tiffany has implants: -8
* You visit her parents: +1
* You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
* You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
* And the television is off: -6
* You spend the day watching college football in your underwear: -6
* And you didn’t even go to college: -10
* And it’s not really your underwear: -15
* You take her out to dinner: 0
* You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar: +1
* Okay, it’s a sports bar: -2
* And it’s all-you-can-eat night: -3
* It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
* You give her a gift: 0
* You give her a gift, and it’s a small appliance: -10
* You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance: +1
* You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate: +2
* You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months: +30
* You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
* With her credit card: -30
* And whatever you bought is two sizes too small: -40
* You forgot to pick her up at the bus station: -25
* Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
* And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50
A Night Out With Your Pals
* You have a few beers: -9
* For every beer after three: -2 again
* And miss curfew by an hour: -12
* You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
* You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
* And not wearing any pants: -40
* Is that a tattoo? -200
A Night Out, Just the Two of You
* You go see a comic: +2
* He’s crude and sexist: -2
* You laugh: -5
* You laugh too much: -10
* She’s not laughing: -15
* You laugh harder: -25
* You lose the directions on a trip: -4
* You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
* You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
* You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close & personal: -25
* She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60
* When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
* When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
* You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10
* She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep: -10
Battle Of The Sexes One-Liners
When does a woman care for a man’s company?
When he owns it.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Why do men get married?
So they don’t have to hold their stomachs in anymore.
What are a woman’s four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after creating Eve?
“Practice makes perfect.”
What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God says:
“So you would love her.” “But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?”
God says: “So she would love you.
Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn’t ask for directions.
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can’t buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.
Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I’ve NEVER felt safer and I’m saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.
Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way, and security can’t pat me down. If they say I’m a male wearing a burka, I just say I’m feeling like a woman today.
Hot Damn…Safe at last.
College Freshman Vs. College Seniors
Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.
Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.
Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.
Freshman: Calls the professor “Teacher.”
Senior: Calls the professor “Bob.”
Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it’s more than three blocks away.
Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor’s habits to get a good grade.
Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.
Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.
Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior: Has own personal workstation.
Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October… maybe.
Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.
Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm
Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino’s every other night
Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors
Senior: Is appalled that the campus ‘Subway’ burned down over the summer
Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night
Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house
Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one’s horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in the laundry room
Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class
How To Succeed In Business
To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers.
“Hi,” you should say. “I’m a new employee. What is the name of my job?”
If they answer “long-range planner” or “lieutenant governor,” you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs, however, will require some work.
There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:
1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and,
2. Going to meetings.
Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because that’s where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings.
Famous Drinking Quotes
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. –Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. –Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer. –Plato
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. –Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. –His reply
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. –Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. –Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. –Deep Thought, Jack Handy
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.–Humphrey Bogart
I drink to make other people interesting. –George Jean Nathan
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. –For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. –Dean Martin
All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer. –Homer Simpson
If you’re stressed, here are some comments you can use to help articulate your mood to others…
• Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
• Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
• Back off! You’re standing in my aura.
• I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
• Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!
• How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
• I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
• I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
• Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
• Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• Just smile and say “Yes, Mistress.”
• Chaos, panic, & disorder — my work here is done.
• A woman’s favorite position is CEO.
• Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
• You look like shit. Is that the style now?
• This is a mean, cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!
• Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
• Is it time for your medication or mine?
• Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
• I plead contemporary insanity.
• And which dwarf are you?
• I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
• It ain’t the size, it’s… no, it’s the size.
• I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
• I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
A farm boy gets up early one morning and finds himself very hungry. So he hurries downstairs to get his breakfast.
When he reaches the kitchen, he finds his mom already there. “Not so fast, young man” she says; “You won’t get breakfast until you’re chores are done!”
Perturbed, the boy stomps out of the house to do his chores. On the way to the barn, he shoves the cow out of his way. Then he kicks the rooster in his frustration. At the pig pen, he pulls the sow’s ears. Finally he finishes his chores and returns to the kitchen to get his breakfast.
His mom says, “I saw you shove the cow, and for that you won’t have milk for breakfast. I also saw you kick the rooster; for that, no eggs. And I saw you pull the sow’s ears; for that, no bacon.
At that very moment, the little boy’s Dad walks through the door and trips over the cat. Pissed off, he kicks the cat across the room.
The little boy looks up to his Mom and says, “Are you going to tell him or am I?”
How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace
• Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
• Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
• Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Chubby.” “No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.”
• Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
• Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven’t lost them as much since you did this.
• While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
• Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
• Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
• Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
• Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail
to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
• Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
• Put your trash can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
• Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
• Send e-mail messages saying there’s free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”
• Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.