How To Irritate People
Children’s Books To Avoid
1. Bob the Germ’s Wondrous Journey Into and Back Out of Your Digestive System.
2. The Little Engine that Could Becomes Intoxicated and Kills Civilians.
3. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’s Games of Revenge.
4. Peter Rabbit’s Frisky Adventures.
5. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The ‘Hood’.
6. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidently Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.
7. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.
8. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.
9. The Tickling Babysitter
10. A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides.
11. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.
12. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.
13. Babar Meets the Taxidermist and Becomes a Piano.
14. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.
15. David Duke’s World of Imagination.
16. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.
17. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.
18. Legends of Scab Football.
19. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina.
20. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer.
21. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.
22. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will.
23. Let’s Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on.
24. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.
A Nervous Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, ‘When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.’
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note from the monsignor on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, ‘Take this and eat it for this is my body.’ He did not say ‘Eat me’.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God!”
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
Some additional “games” one can play with telemarketers:
1. If you recognize they are telemarketers before you have spoken, pretend your are an answering machine with a message along these lines. “Thank you for calling CMTCC, Citizens for Making Telemarketing a Capital Crime. We now have the support of about 25% of the legislature. Soon we will be able to execute those worthless, money grubbing dregs, making the earth a better place to live. Please send your tax deductible contribution to ….”
2. See how many times you can put them on hold. First make sure you get the name of the person you are talking to, because sooner or later they will hang up. Then if they call you again, you can express your righteous indignation at being hung up on, and let them know you were going to buy/contribute, but given the rudeness of ….you have decided not to. The key to this one is make the time they have to hold fairly short. After 30 seconds or so tell them you have to turn down the stove and put them on hold for 45 sec’s. On returning, ask them to start their pitch again. Every time you return have them restart their pitch. Some good excuses for putting them on hold for a short while: the kids are fighting, the pet needs to go in/out, the baby is into…, someone is at the door, you have a call on another line, …
3. If you have an answering machine, turn it on so they can here you are recording the call. Make sure you get the person’s name, and the company’s name and address. Then inform them something like this. “Under state law I am hereby notifying you that you (you as an individual and the company) are prohibited from calling this number (xxx-xxxx) to solicit ever again. If you or the company calls again, you personally and the company will be liable for penalties up to $10,000. Is this clear?” Just something to hopefully make them nervous. (Actually Virginia came pretty close to passing a law like this. Unfortunately, the telemarketing lobby bribed our legislature into killing the bill. Maybe next year …)
4. After they have gone through their entire sales pitch, tell them how interested you are. But first, you want to talk to them about ….Then launch into a pitch for them to contribute to some charity that sounds quasi-legit but is really just for your personnel benefit. If they do not contribute, then hang up in righteous indignation that they are such uncaring human beings. If they will give, then give them an address to send the contribution to, thank them, and hang up before they have a chance to change the subject back to what they called you about.
5. After they have given their entire sales pitch, say you are interested but first you need the telemarketer’s personnel home phone number. When they ask why tell them that they have your personal home number so before you complete the deal, you want to be on even ground with them and you need their number. If they don’t give it to you, yup, you guessed it, hang up in righteous indignation. If they do, say you will call back to order/contribute. Then do so at some reasonable hour, in case they have given you a phony number. But if it is a correct number, post it on the net.
Not so anyone would harass this person, ;~) but so all of us would have the opportunity to contact this person about whatever it is that is being telemarketed. And since so many of us are night owls, we will be calling at a time convenient to us, like 4 am.
• If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good!
• Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won’t dare push you off and will even call you “nice kitty.” If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
• For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors contrast with your own.
• Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
• For guests who say, “I love kitties,” be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
• Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
• If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one.
• For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
• For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
• For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table — pens, pencils, stamps — one at a time.
• Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4 a.m.
For his wife’s birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
“You are not getting older. You are just getting better.”
Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, “Just put ‘You are not getting older’ at the top and ‘You are just getting better’ at the bottom.”
It wasn’t until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered that the cake read:
“YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP.
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM.”
Are You Ready For Parenthood?
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it – it’ll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can’t get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this – all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don’t think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy cereal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the cereal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from Blues Clues, Elmo, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing Elmo songs at work, you finally qualify as a parent
Stupid Sports Quotes
These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, “Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye.”
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the ‘Skins say “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said, “To win, I’d run over Joe’s mom too.”
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height.” and “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: “I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes.”
Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”
Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: “I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.”
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” (1992)
Suggested Additions To Webster’s Dictionary
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor’ de on ay tid)
adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus)
adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib’ re um)
n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to suck the nozzle, or squirting himself in the eye.
BURGACIDE (burg’ uh side)
n.. When a hamburger can’t take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz’ aks)
n. People in phone stores who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun)
n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
N. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, “Do you work here?”
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’)
v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove’ all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub’ ma)
n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye’ ful eyetz)
n.. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS (el bon’ iks)
n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay’ shun)
n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun)
n. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal’ side.
NEONPHANCY (ne on’ fan see)
n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’)
n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PETONIC (peh ton’ ik)
adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh)
n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup’ kus)
n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun)
n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.
A Human’s Chalkboard Assignments…Courtesy Of Your Dog
1. I will not make my dog pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.
2. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my dog.
3. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my dog.
4. I will try much harder to understand my dog’s language.
5. I will not chase my dog around yelling come! when he is socializing.
6. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.
7. I will not ask my dog to retire to his crate anymore.
8. ‘Give’ and ‘leave it’ are useless request, so I will stop using them.
9. I will always carry cookies and treats.
10. I will never go socializing with other canines without my dog.
11. I will not take my dog back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a Christmas party but I’m afraid she’ll leave me there.
12. I will not order my dog to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.
13. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my dog’s nice comfy “chair”.
14. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my dogs might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.
15. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my dog was sleeping “illegally”.
The following began life as a Top Ten list of “Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler.” it was passed around during a lecture in a political science class of mine and soon grew to over 100 entries. I have culled out the stupid and/or truly offensive ones, as well as any that said nasty things about any particular nationality (read, the French.) You’ll have to excuse the fact that some of them are rather obscure, but that’s what happens when you get a bunch of political scientists in the same room. Without further ado, I give you…
Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler
1. Land War in Asia
2. Changed name from highly catchy ‘Schickelgruber’ to boring ‘Hitler’
3. Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln beard to instill trust among subjects
4. Not buying lifts for his shoes
5. Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmitt
6. Failure to exploit Eva Braun
7. Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy
8. Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi image
9. Chose “Deutschland Uber Alles” over “Let’s All Be There” as party slogan
10. Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones
11. Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and stripes as uniform colors for SS and SA
12. Referring to Stalin as “that old Georgian fat back”
13. Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays
14. Free beer in munitions plants
15. Lisp never corrected
16. Bad toupee
17. Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery
18. Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands
19. Fell asleep in staff meetings
20. Chose Italy as ally
21. Land War in Asia
22. Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line
23. Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics
24. Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked remarkably like a bull’s-eye from the air
25. Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls
26. Never had fireside mass rallies
27. Told Einstein he had a stupid name
28. Used SS instead of LAPD
29. Admired Napoleon’s strategy
30. Strong fondness for sauerkraut and beans made General Staff avoid him constantly
31. In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a little country place in Hawaii
32. Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with war advice
33. Major theme in speeches — “liebensraum, or “living room” — widely misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform
34. Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess’s pilot license.
35. Pissed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics
36. Didn’t put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word got out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town in Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer
37. Breast fed for too long
38. Passed up Finish “tanks for snowshoes” offer before invasion of USSR
39. Drank to much at Beer Hall Putsch
40. Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his own escape.
41. Forgot to write “Dear Joey” letter to Stalin before invasion of Poland
42. Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous invasion of Soviet Union
43. Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberlin in power
44. Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the Fjords
45. Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited for the punch line)
46. Came off as poor loser when “Triumph of the Will” failed to win Oscar for “best Foreign Documentary” — “You don’t like me” speech undermined image.
47. Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had “Prince Albert in a can”
48. Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzsche; caused much embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his concept of the “Oberdude”
49. Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying, “The U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are you, a wimp?”
50. Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary
51. Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats
52. Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at the last second
53. Failed to encourage tourism
54. Being born
55. Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun
56. Alienated Chamberlin at Munich by sticking an “Invade me” sign on his back
57. Kept Colonel Klink in command
58. Churchill mistakenly thought “Deutschland Uber Alles” was a veiled threat
59. Used same astrologer as the Reagan’s