A Message From Your Kids’ Teachers
National Teacher Appreciation Day is on Tuesday, May 7, 2013.
Major Auction Benefit in Washington
Christie’s and Sotheby’s just announced their joint sponsorship of a new and important auction to take place in the US Senate Congress on Memorial Day, in which ALL US SENATORS WILL BE AUCTIONED OFF to the highest bidder to further public transparency of Senatorial allegiances, following the outcry caused by the recent Senate rejection of every single gun control measure before it.
The audience is expected to include several thousand lobbyists representing the oil, gas and coal sectors, insurance, healthcare providers, gun manufacturers, large farmers, weapons industries, banks and other G Street occupiers. Bidders will be allowed to form “syndicates”, similar to those made famous by the Maffia, which will enable them to purchase “portions” of each Senator, representing their particular interests. The successful bidders will place their winning bid into a “Senatorial Trust Fund”, to be used for reelection by the designated recipient.
This scheme was resoundingly endorsed by the Senate by a vote of 98 for, and 2 against, (Rand Paul and Ted Cruz, threatened to filibuster the auction).
Critics are saying this new initiative is nothing but a Ponzi scheme since it is well known that every single US politician is already sold out many times over.
Dictionary Of Musical Terms
JAZZ: Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.
BLUES: Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.
WORLD MUSIC: A dozen different types of percussion all going at once.
OPERA: People singing when they should be talking.
RAP: People talking when they should be singing.
CLASSICAL: Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.
FOLK: Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.
BIG BAND: 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.
HEAVY METAL: Codpiece and chaps
HOUSE MUSIC: OK as long as it’s not the house next door.
California Driving Test Answers
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (read at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on baby,
Mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.
“Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb…..but all men…are men!
More South Park Quotes
Kenny: Mmmmf mmmf mmmmmf mmmmmmm mmmmf mmmmf mmmmmmmmf mmmf.
Stan: Totally, dude.
Kyle: Good point, man.
Cartman: Kenny’s family is so poor, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.
Satan: Saddam. But… I killed you.
Saddam Hussein: Well where was I supposed to go, Detroit?
Mr. Garrison: Don’t lie, Stan. Lying makes you sterile.
Leopold ‘Butters’ Stotch: Everything is back to normal. I-I think… I think I can go back to trying to destroy the world again.
Mr. Garrison: Well, damn it, Eric, don’t you have some smart-ass thing to say?
MTV announcer: You’re watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing, 12-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind a slick image. We’re so cool that we decide what’s cool. And now MTV News. The News that is single-handedly dumbing-down our country, which is cool.
Mrs. Crabtree: Sit down or the bunny dies!
Stan Marsh: This is hopeless. We’re just going to have to face that the commercialism has been sucked out of Christmas.
Hell, everything’s legal in Mexico. It’s the American way. – Uncle Jimbo
In other news, a pink eye epidemic is now sweeping the town of South Park. Here with a live report is a midget wearing a bikini. – The Newsreader
No, that’s wrong, Cartman. But don’t worry, there are no stupid answers, just stupid people. – Mr. Garrison
Stan: Oh my god! They killed Kenny.
Kyle: [unenthusiastically] You bastard.
Stan: [with a sigh, calmly] Oh, my God, we killed Kenny.
Kyle: [shouts] We killed Kenny?
Stan: Yup. We’re bastards.
Stan: Oh my god. Jay Leno’s chin killed Kenny.
Kyle: You bastard.
Jay Leno: Ah, who cares? He dies every episode.
Interviewer: So, are you guys as anti-Semitic as some might believe?
Matt Stone (Co-Creator of South Park): You know, a lot of people have accused South Park of antisemitism, but I’m Jewish, and so I can say with some certainty that I am not anti-Semitic.
Trey Parker(The Other Creator of South Park): I am, however.
A funny perspective look at how we or how some people actually drive a Company car.
The company car is unique, its special and its unlike any other car that you will ever drive for the following reason……Its not yours!
They can travel at higher speeds in any gear, especially reverse.
The acceleration rate is stupendous.
They can negotiate speed bumps twice as fast as a private car.
They are self maintaining as regards fluid levels because they never really need to be checked as often, if at all.
The super tough bodywork can take any amount of damage.
They don’t need to be cleaned as often, inside or out.
All repairs can be carried out with the cheapest after-sales spares available.
They can be left unlocked anywhere any time no worries.
They can be left with the keys in the ignition.
They don’t need to be garaged at night.
Visible theft deterrents such as steering wheel locks are never needed.
Locking wheel nuts or any anti-theft devices also need not be employed.
The window winders can be wrenched round at any speed.
Gear levers can be grabbed and rammed home into gear with no incurring damage.
Clutch pedals can be side stepped so it smacks up faster for that quick pull away.
The clutch can also be ‘slipped’ on hills instead of applying the hand brake to hold the car in place. Company car clutches are super duper and never ever wear out….magic!
The bumpers are specially designed to move annoying obstacles like shopping trolleys, boxes, waste bins etc.
The paint is impervious to all scratches.
Cracks in the glass can be ignored.
Doors can be slammed very hard.
The floor is shaped just like an ash tray…..amazing!
They can carry anything on the seats, bricks, animals, concrete, tool boxes.
The upholstery is totally impervious to cigarette ash, make-up, burns, burger sauces of any variety, oil, petrol and grease.
Ancillary electrical items can be forced into the cigar lighter socket with no damage.
The radio’s controls can be jabbed hard with no damage.
The floor mats can also serve to wipe mud of your shoes.
You can drop into a lower gear at higher speeds.
You can hold a lower gear at higher speeds before changing up, consequently the engine can be over revved easily.
They can be driven up to and over 100 miles with the oil warning light on.
The suspension is reinforced to allow the transportation of heavy building materials.
The turning radius is much tighter.
Unusual engine noises can be ignored indefinitely.
You don’t need to let the engine get up to temperature before you floor it.
They can be driven through deep puddles faster, for that bigger splash effect.
The car can be driven over rough road surfaces including pot holes at normal speed or faster.
They can brake in half the distance.
Hand brakes can be left partially on whilst pulling away.
Hand brakes can also assist in spinning the car around ‘J’ turn style at high speed.
WHEELS & TIRES
The tires are designed to bounce off all obstacles, with special side wall reinforcement segments to protect from scraping.
Making doughnuts…or shaped skid marks through excessive wheel spins is easily accomplished with no damage to transmission or any other part.
Wheel spins can be accomplished with no wear to the tires of course.
When parked on a hill just put it into gear and leave it.
Handbrakes can be pulled up to their extremities.
You can park anywhere, grass verges, muddy banks, areas covered in trash.
You can park into spaces for much smaller cars with ease.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
Our Society Is Doomed
I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 and I said, “May I have large bills, please”
She looked at me and said “I’m sorry sir, all the bills are the same size.”
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her….
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, ‘NO, it’s not.’ Four is larger than two.’
We haven’t used Sears repair since.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.’
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’
From Kingman, KS
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
– From Kansas City
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’ our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
How would you pronounce this child’s name?
Lee – A?? NOPE
Lay – a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It’s pronounced “Ledasha”.
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, “the dash don’t be silent.”
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don’t be silent.
They walk among us……and they VOTE
Tooth Fairy Form Letter
Thank you for leaving  tooth under your pillow last night.
While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children’s teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
(x) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you were age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
(x) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
(x) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other:
Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.
The Tooth Fairy
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known. Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
11. Lettin’ the cat outta’ the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.