If People Were Honest On Their Dating Profiles
Famous Last Words
“I’ll get a world record for this.”
“He’s probably just hibernating.”
“What does this button do?”
“I’m making a citizen’s arrest.”
“So, you’re a cannibal…”
“It’s probably just a rash.”
“Are you sure the power is off?”
“Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?”
“The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!”
“Pull the pin and count to what?”
“Which wire was I supposed to cut?”
“I wonder where the mother bear is?”
“I’ve seen this done on TV.”
“These are the good kind of mushrooms.”
“I’ll hold it and you light the fuse.”
“Let it down slowly.”
“Rat poison only kills rats.”
“Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.”
“It’s strong enough for both of us.”
“This doesn’t taste right.”
“I can make this light before it changes.”
“I can do that with my eyes closed.”
“I’ve done this before.”
“Well, we’ve made it this far.”
“You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses on, would you?”
“Don’t be so superstitious.”
“Now watch this…”
Administratium, The New Element
AMES, IA–The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at MIT. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
Where To Retire……
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can retire to California where…
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can retire to New York City where…
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can retire to Minnesota where…
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can retire to the Deep South where…
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.” It’s important to know the difference, too.
You can retire to Colorado where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can retire to the Midwest where…
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”
FINALLY You can retire to Florida where…
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often app ear to be driven by headless people.
Tips For Any Character In A Horror Movie Part
If you catch snatches of the theme song, you know the bad thing is close by
If your car breaks down in the woods, take the time to walk the extra 5 miles into town
Make sure what you use to kill the nasty things is a poison, and not a stimulant of any kind
If you’re gonna go out, don’t do it quietly Take out those annoying friends of yours with you
Don’t work the night shift
Never fool yourself into believing you’re powerful enough to contain anything you summoned
Under no circumstances remove any unusual item from glaciers or large blocks of ice (ie flying saucers, Frankenstein’s monster, Dracula, the wolfman, etc…)
If you do remove something unusual from the ice, do not let it thaw (Specifically, do not throw an electric blanket over ice, do not bleed on ice, and do not let the freezer’s power go out)
If you do entomb a monster in ice (Godzilla, the blob, etc) make sure that the monster’s location is not well known (Sightseers have an annoying habit of bringing electric blankets, bleeding on ice, or detonating A-Bombs)
Don’t explode A-Bombs in the Arctic, South Sea atolls, or deep beneath the ocean These locations are thickly inhabited with survivors from the prehistoric past (Not to mention the blob, giant octopi, etc)
Don’t explode A-Bombs in the desert, which are full of many insect species just waiting for their chance to mutate into gigantic forms As a corollary, don’t store sugar or picnic foods anywhere near a desert which has been the site of an A-Bomb test
Don’t explode A-Bombs near men or women They may grow to gigantic size and battle casino signs in Las Vegas
Don’t submerge yourself in a bathyscaphe and search for prehistoric monsters under the ocean You may as well just drive a giant fish hook through your body and get someone to troll with you
Don’t visit backwoods regions of the United States, especially those regions filled with quaint people with colorful names like Leatherface or Pun’kinhead
Stay on the Interstate
If your parents killed a serial killer before you were born, chances are the serial killer will come back from the dead to kill you
If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone
If a maniac or monster or zombie is trying to get into your house, don’t decide to try and find your lost cat or dog Give it up, Fido and Fluffy are on their own
Any military containers that accidentally get mailed to you should be sent right back And never, ever hit a container to test how strong it is
Whenever someone warn’s you not to go up, down, under or over there, whatever you do, don’t go! (They are only trying to save you from a most certain and Horrible death)
Do not, under *any* circumstances, ever go skinny dipping, especially at night
Always carry several guns and lots of hollow point bullets Shoot everything All the time Don’t even wait
If you can avoid it, try not to swim in lakes or natural bodies of water If you swim in a pool, you can see what’s under the water also, don’t swim at night, especially when alone
If you are female and you just found any of your friends dead by any means it’s probably not the time to get naked and take a shower
I’m Glad I Drink Pepsi
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half the world population.)
2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one’s metabolism as much as 3%.
4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.
5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?
C o k e
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the “real thing” sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield. Check it out.
For Your Information:
1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.
2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.
3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!
Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or coke?
Actual Court Transcripts…
Believe it or not, the following excerpts and quotes are parts of actual, real transcripts from cases that occurred in courts across the United States… Enjoy! ; -)
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q: Are you married?
A: No, I’m divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn’t know about.
Q: Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information from your minds, if you have any.
Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
Q: What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: …and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Q: Do you drink when you’re on duty?
A: I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q: (Showing man picture.) Is that you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.
and last but not least…
Q: And was he dead when you performed the autopsy?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting up on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Attempted ATM Robbery
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home.
With the chain still attached to the machine.
With their bumper still attached to the chain.
With their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.
Celebrities Say The Darndest Things
“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.”
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
“My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she’s reading.”
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
“My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.”
Dan Rather (News anchorman)
“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem?”
“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
“I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.”
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.”
Axel Rose (Guns ‘n’ Roses)
“Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.”
Rev. Jesse Jackson
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”
“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Signs Your Family Life Is Too Stressful!
14. “Family get togethers” are sometimes called “group therapy sessions” and involve seeing a psychiatrist.
13. Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk”.
12. Family members say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that they have said it before.
11. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
10. The cat is on Valium.
9. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
8. Family members say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that they have said it before.
7. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated coffee.
6. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
5. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
4. Family members say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that they have said it before.
3. “Family meetings” are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid’s day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
and last but not least...
1. Starbucks gives you industrial rates!