So You’re About To Become A Minority
These Travel Agent Requests Defy Belief
The ASTA (that’s the American Society of Travel Agents, FYI) recently polled its members on the strangest requests they’ve received from travelers. And, let’s just say that while reading it, you should prepare to laugh, roll your eyes, and weep for humanity.
And yes travel agents still do exist…but mostly just for people like this!
1. Can you please book the honeymoon suite for us and another couple?
2. Can you please plan a honeymoon for me, my bride, and my mother?
3. Can you guarantee that no pet has ever been in the hotel room?
4. Can I fish off of the cruise ship?
5. Do they speak English in Britain?
6. Can you book two rooms in different parts of the resort — one for me and my wife, and the other for my girlfriend?
7. Is our relationship like a client/lawyer relationship?
8. Does the crew actually sleep onboard the cruise ship?
9. Don’t tell my fiancée this is where I took my first wife for our honeymoon.
10. I would like to go somewhere where there are NOT a lot of men.
11. I’d like to meet Elvis.
12. I’d like to get married in the Caribbean on an island where the marriage is not legal in the U.S.
13. Will there be shadows on my face at 4 p.m. when the pictures are taken?
14. Will you watch my pet while I’m away?
15. Are there toll roads on the way to Hawaii?
16. How can I get to Europe without going by air or sea?
17. I’d like to visit Scotland and Denmark on the same trip. (Agent then tells client he does not have time in his schedule to travel the distance.) But, they’re only an inch apart on the map!
18. Can you set it up so that the whales jump in the background at the same time I’m proposing to my girlfriend?
19. Can you ask the airline to block the seat next to me so I can stretch out?
20. I don’t want a window seat on the plane because I just had my hair done.
Saturday morning the weather was too bad to play golf.
I was bored with nothing to do.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door.
I opened it to find a young, well dressed man standing there who said: “Hello sir, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.” So I said, “Come in and sit down.”
I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, “What do you want to talk about?”
He said, “Beats the shit out of me. …………..……. Nobody’s ever let me in before.”
Wacky Warning Label Contest
The contest, now in its tenth year, is conducted by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, M-LAW, to reveal how lawsuits, and concern about lawsuits, have created a need for common sense warnings on products.
A warning label on a washing machine at a Laundromat that warns, “Do not put any person in this washer” has been chosen as the nation’s wackiest warning label in M-LAW’s annual Wacky Warning Label Contest.
The second place award went to Rich Heitzig of Brooklyn Park, Minnesota for a label on a personal watercraft that warns: “Never use a lit match or open flame to check fuel level.”
There was a tie for third place prize. Farrah Kakavand of Oak Park, California won a share of third place and for a warning she found on a Super Lotto ticket which says, “Do not iron”
The other third place winner was found by Nancy Shue of York, Pennsylvania on a on a cell phone. The warning? It says: “Don’t try to dry your phone in a microwave oven.”
Honorable mention goes to Ronald Hyman of Augusta, Georgia for a warning he found on the cover of his local Yellow Pages book which cautions users: “Please do not use this directory while operating a moving vehicle.”
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before.
For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”
Useful Office Phrases
• Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!
• I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
• I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
• You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
• Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?
• Macho Law forbids me from admitting I’m wrong.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• You look like crap. Is that the style now?
• Is it time for your medication or mine?
• I plead contemporary insanity.
• And which dwarf are you?
• I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
• Meandering to a different drummer, are we?
• This is a mean, cruel world and I want my nappy right now!
• Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
• When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.
• I like you…You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• I am already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• What am I? Fly paper for freaks?
• Yes. I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
• I’ll try being nicer…If you try being smarter.
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
• How about never? Does never work for you?
• I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• Are you a freaking ray of sunshine every day?
• I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
• Who me? I just wander from room to room.
• My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!!!
• It may seem I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
• At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
The Feline Diet
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people — such as getting lots of table scraps — most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can — and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse’s or partner’s plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food — tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse’s or partner’s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse’s or partner’s pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night’s chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
12 Step Web Addicts Recovery Program
1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3. I will get dressed before noon.
4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7. I will read a book…if I still remember how.
8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime … and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
Little Eddy’s Test
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, “Eddy what is your problem?” Eddy answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”
The teacher had had enough.
She took Eddy to the principal’s office.
While Eddy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
The teacher agreed.
Eddy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Eddy can go to the third-grade.”
The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?”
The principal and Eddy both agree.
The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Eddy, after a moment, “Legs.”
Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Eddy replied, “Pockets.”
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Teacher: What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Eddy was taking charge.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Eddy: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Eddy: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Teacher: What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Eddy in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.”
1. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
2. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
3. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
4. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
5. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
6. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
7. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
8. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
9. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
10. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
11. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
12. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
13. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
14. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
17. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
18. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
19. The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
20. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
21. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
22. Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!
23. Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.
24. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
25. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
26. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand…
27. If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.
Signs Your Cow Has Mad-Cow Disease
• Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
• She refuses to let you milk her, saying “Not on the first date.”
• Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
• Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
• Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow’s body.
• Your cow demands to be branded with the ‘Golden Arches Logo’.
• Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
• Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
• Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
• She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
• Your cow joins the Hell’s Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.
• Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
• Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting “MOO” backwards.
• Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
• Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells “Bull’s-eye”!
• Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you’ll wear something sexy this time.