If The News Were Honest
A Memorable Password!
Remember that the computer savvy types always tell you to choose a memorable password.
A woman is helping her husband to install a new computer.
Once it is completed, she then tells him to choose a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects a word: “Mypenis”
As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife eyes the screen and then collapses with laughter, rolling on the floor in hysteria!
The computer had replied: TOO SHORT – ACCESS DENIED!
Thirteen Newspapers & The People Who Read Them
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people that are in prison that used to run the country as would their constituents who are currently free on bail.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
11. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheists, and those who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
12. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
13. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.
Very Strange Calls to the Smithsonian Institute …
The Smithsonian Museum’s telephone support team usually get questions like “How do you get there?” “When are you open?” etc. More detailed questions get passed along to departments such as Anthropology. But every so often, you get funny ones.
Here are some Cordelia Benedict of the Smithsonian’s telephone information services and Marilyn London of the anthropology outreach and public information office have gotten over the years:
• Where do you keep the flying saucers you’ve captured?
• Can a small plane land on the Mall? The caller was sure it could since “all those planes in the Air and Space Museum had to get there somehow.”
• There’s a mastodon in my back yard. Can you send some scientists to dig it up? “There was literally a mastodon buried on her ranch, “Benedict says. “She was right! We referred her to the vertebrate department, I think.”
• Is Fawn Hall’s underwear on display? This from “two men in a Texas bar who obviously had a lot to drink,” says Benedict.
• What’s the name of the guy who invented the wheel? “How do you know it was a man?” London quipped.
• Where is the Ark of the Covenant? Try the Indiana Jones movies.
• Is the Smithsonian interested in buying the carcass of Bigfoot?
• Will the Smithsonian sell the starship Enterprise, used for the popular “Star Trek” television show? “She only wanted it if the transporter was in working condition,” Benedict says. (The only life-size Enterprise at the Smithsonian is the space shuttle of the same name).
• How do you say “I’m thinking of you” in Apache?
• Do you have the coin George Washington tossed across the Delaware River?
• Can the Smithsonian set up a caller with a hula teacher? “Actually, I tracked one down for her,” remembers London. “We have a curator involved in South Pacific and Hawaiian culture, so she knew one.”
• Can you send “all the information you have on human evolution, even the secret stuff?”
• Could the Smithsonian take a “petrified whale” off my hands? He was referred to paleontology. “I told him `petrified’ means `very old biology,’ and he said, `good because this is a very old whale,’” Benedict recalls.
• Does the Smithsonian display Civil War planes?
and last but not least…
• Here’s one of Benedict’s favorites: an offer to donate a collection of potato chips resembling “famous people and animals.”
Fishing Vs Sex.
#19 – No matter how much whisky you’ve had, you can still Fish.
#18 – You don’t have to hide your Fishing magazines.
#17 – It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
#16 – The Ten Commandments don’t say anything against Fishing.
#15 – If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don’t have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
#14 – Your Fishing partner doesn’t get upset about people you fished with long ago.
#13 – It’s perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
#12 – When you see a really good Fishing person, you don’t have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
#11 – If your regular Fishing partner isn’t available, he/she won’t object if you Fish with someone else.
#10 – Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
#9 – When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
#8 – You don’t have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighbour-hood to buy Fishing stuff.
#7 – You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for Fishing harassment.
#6 – There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
#5 – If you want to watch Fishing on television, it does not cost extra,like when you have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
#4 – Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
#3 – Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
#2 – You don’t have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.
#1 – Your Fishing partner will never say, “Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?
Dilbert’s Salary Theorem
Dilbert’s “Salary Theorem” states that “Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people.”
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
The less you know, the more you make.
It Wasn’t My Fault
The ingenuity of drivers involved in accidents, in seeking to assert their innocence, or at least excuse their errors, is apparently inexhaustible, judging from this genuine selection of excerpts from insurance claims.
• I blew my horn, but it would not work as it had been stolen.
• I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian, and the old gentleman was taken to hospital, much regretting the circumstances.
• I thought the side window was down, but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it.
• A cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.
• A bull was standing nearby, and a fly must have tickled him, as he gored my car.
• She suddenly saw me, lost her head, and we met.
• A truck backed through my windscreen into my wife’s face.
• I ran into a shop window, and sustained injuries to my wife.
• I misjudged a lady crossing the street.
• Coming home, I drove into the wrong house, and collided with a tree I haven’t got.
• I left my car unattended for a minute, when by accident or design, it ran away.
• The other car collided with mine, without giving any warning of its intentions.
Scotland Or Wales?
I was having a drink the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, “Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?”
One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!”
So I apologized and replied, “I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?”
And that’s the last thing I remember.
More Fun Things To Do During An Exam
1. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
2. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”
3. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
4. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.
5. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
6. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”
7. Bring a water pistol with you.
8. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
9. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
10. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
11. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.
12. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
13. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. ”
14. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
15. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
16. One word: Wrestlemania.
17. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
18. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
19. Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
20. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
21. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
22. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
23. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
24. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.
25. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher”
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, ‘Yeah, right.’
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. So I said ‘Implants?’
She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go ‘skinny dipping.’
Now I just ‘chunky dunk.’
Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over? AMEN!
Wouldn’t you know it…
Brain cells come and brain cells go, But FAT cells live forever.
Bumper sticker of the year: ‘If you can read this, thank a teacher – and since it’s in English, thank a soldier’