I Can’t Believe These Are All TV Shows
‘SNL’ ‘Fox & Friends’ Corrections
Once again, Saturday Night Live opened with a sketch that poked fun at Fox News’s Fox & Friends — and ended with a fast-moving scroll that listed a few things the show’s fact-checkers wanted to set straight before going to break. As always, the corrections were topical (“Jason Collins was not turned gay by a Washington Wizard”), totally random (“New York exists outside the mind of Billy Joel”), and everything in between.
Here’s the full list:
Kentucky Derby losers are not turned into Ikea meatballs.
Dzhokhar Tsarnaev did not accidentally blow up vowels in his own name.
The chupacabra does not deliver presents on Cinco De Mayo.
President Obama does not want to take away T-shirt guns.
Most women have only two breasts.
The Memphis Grizzlies are not a gay blues band.
Scientology was not founded by I Ron Man.
Bangladesh is not an 80s metal band.
Peaking at ladies’ butts is not a background check.
Actual crows do have feet.
Pot pie is legal in every state.
The California wildfires are not a soccer team.
Jason Collins was not turned gay by a Washington Wizard.
The NRA is not a branch of government.
Foreign visas do not let Russian students go on shopping sprees.
Rick Moranis was never put on death row for shrinking his children.
New York exists outside the mind of Billy Joel.
A French press is not lifting weights with your tongue out.
Lena Dunham is not a girl ventriloquist.
Number 2 pencils are not sad that they lost.
Plan B birth control is not masturbating.
Justin Bieber and Anne Frank were not an item.
President Obama did not just wake up in Mexico.
F.A.A. does not stand for “Fart A**, A**”
Croquettes are not female crocodiles.
Kanye West is not an African American vacation destination.
Syria is not Arabic for “serious.”
Rice and beans are edible. Ricin beans are not.
Casual Friday is not in the Bill of Rights.
Sam Adams was not too drunk to sign the Constitution.
The Gitmo prisoners are not working on their beach bodies.
Force feeding is not how Jedi’s eat.
Kevin Costner does not live in Watertown.
Smurfs are not elected.
Smurfs are not appointed.
Smurfs are cartoons.
Aretha Franklin and Patti Labelle have been in the same room together.
Anytime minutes don’t let you call the future.
4 and 3 aren’t basically the same thing.
Rock beats scissors.
Zach Braff is not the sound a trumpet makes.
The sad part is that these weren’t made up. FOX “News” actually said them.
Devil In The Church
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
Satan asked, “Aren’t you going to run?”
“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”
Fun Things Not To Do At A Funeral
1. Tell the widow that the deceased’s last wish was that she make love with you.
2. Tell the undertaker that he can’t close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you’re the deceased’s gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around telling people that you’ve seen the will and they’re not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow’s limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased’s wooden leg to someone poor who can’t afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn’t like them.
17. Use the deceased’s tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased’s gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
21. Put Crazy Glue on the deceased’s lips just before the widow’s last kiss.
22. Show up at the funeral service in a clown suit.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one’s looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased’s mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream “MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!” and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you’re from the IRS and you’re confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn’t keep a straight face while praising the deceased.
New Guidelines For Employees
1. DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
2. SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
4. PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
5. VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1, July 4, and December 25.
6. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for deceased friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your work is done.
7. OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
8. RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going once each day, in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
9. LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Murphy’s Laws On War
1. Equipment that must work together, can’t be carried together to the battle.
2. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
3. Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
4. Anything you do…..can get you killed, including nothing.
5. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won’t be able to get out.
6. Try to look unimportant, the enemy may not want to waste a bullet on you.
7. Tracer bullets work both ways.
8. If you can see the enemy with binoculars, they can see you with binoculars.
9. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
10. When both sides are convinced they’re about to lose, they’re both right.
11. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
12. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
13. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
14. Your new boots will always be…..’On Order’.
15. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
16. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie, never stay awake when you can sleep.
17. Your first meal of the day may also be your last.
18. If you have a personality conflict with your superior: He has the personality, you have the conflict.
19. Don’t be the first, don’t be the last, and don’t volunteer for anything.
20. The worse the weather, the more you are out in it.
21. The weather is biased.
22. If only one solution can be found then it is usually stupid.
23. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won’t walk into it.
24. There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.
Top Drug-Using Cartoon Suspects
1. Gargamel (From the Smurfs)
Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?
2. Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? What is it her personality? NOT!
Can’t explain it. Maybe it’s the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.
This is an easy one. I mean c’mon. Roid monkey #1. “BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!” Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet tiger. Can we say “Animal Abuse”?
5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side? – Are they gay? I mean, take a look at BooBoo. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…..
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can’t someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe. Sort of makes you wonder.
7. Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.
8. Daffy Duck
If he isn’t using crack, Merion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from “daffiness” but Haldol wouldn’t work for him.
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does pot no if, ands, or, buts about it. And Look at the way him and his friends painted that van! Pretty rad design dude.
Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Buy Someone’s Used Sofa
If The Owner Says:
1. “That stain was the best fifty bucks I ever made.”
2. “Have you had your shots?”
3. “If you find any fingers in there, pack ‘em in ice and give us a call.”
4. “It’s almost dry, but you may need to wring the cushions out.”
5. “It was a present to my Great Aunt Erma after her bladder surgery.”
6. “It fell off a truck. At least, I figure it did, since we found it by the highway.”
7. “You can have those Fritos.”
8. “I once spent ten days tied to this couch.”
9. “It’s non-flammable, unless you really try.”
10. “It should be clean, we hosed it off.”
11. “Watch that spring, it gave me some nasty scars.”
12. “It can even float for nearly an hour.”
13. “You like the smell of beer, don’t you?”
14. “It’s not supposed to fold out, but it will if you push hard enough.”
15. “I guess olive and orange were popular colors back then.”
16. “It used to be a lot longer.”
17. “You’ll need the brick to keep it level, unless you’ve got a saw.”
18. “AmVets and GoodWill wouldn’t take it.”
19. “Don’t smoke near it.”
20. “You can hardly tell where they hurled.”
21. “The fire hardly touched this side.”
22. “It only smells this way when it’s humid.”
A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway.
He went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change.
The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.
Top 25 Country Songs
1. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I’m Kissing You Good-bye
2. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
3. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
4. I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don’t Run So We’re Even
5. Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Daddy’s Head)
6. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me
7. She’s Actin’ Single And I’m Drinkin’ Doubles
8. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go away
9. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
10. I Liked You Better Before I knew You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
12. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
13. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
14. I’m So Miserable Without You; It’s Like Having You Here
15. I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Cryin’ Over You
16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
19. Please Bypass My Heart
20. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
21. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
22. You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
23. Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
24. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer
25. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman, But I Sure Woke Up With a Few
Things Not To Say During Sex
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. And they say romance is dead…. (in the janitor’s closet)
6. Can you please try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone.
8. Is that a Medic-Alert pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me brake out.
11. Person 1: this is your first time…right?
12. Person 2: yeah today
13. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! (in the No Tell Motel)
14. Can you pass me the remote control?
15. Do you accept Visa?
17. On the second thought, let’s turn off the lights.
18. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend.
19. So much for mouth-to-mouth
20. Try not to leave any stains, o.k.? (using body paint)
21. Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober.
22. It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo. (holding a banana)
23. Do you get any premium movie channels?
24. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya’?
25. But I just steam cleaned this coach! (preparing to use peanut butter sexually)
26. Got any penicillin?
27. But I just brushed my teeth…
28. Smile, you’re on candid camera!
29. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs?!
30. I want a baby!
31. You could at least act like you’re enjoying it!
32. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said no!
33. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
34. I’ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlin!