Key & Peele – Judge Jessie
Weekend Update 1979 – SNL
Rita Rudner’s Facts About Men
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald.”
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it’s attention you want, don’t get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. Don’t try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
12. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
13. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
14. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
15. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
16. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire, and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
17. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
18. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
19. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
20. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and say “Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed; get me out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.”
21. Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
22. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, “Mommy, why does the bride wear white?”
His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boys thinks about this, and then says, “Well then why is the groom wearing black…”
Actual Excerpts from American Science Exam Answers
Who said the American education system is below par?
• Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
• Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
• The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
• For fainting: rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
• For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
• For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
• For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
• For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
• To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
• For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
• For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
• For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
• Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Disney’s Moby Dick
Recently, I saw Disney’s “The Hunchback of Notre Dame”, and this gave me the idea what would happen if classic writers were employed by Disney. The question is that the marketing reps would require classic literature to be rewritten to make them more marketable. For example, this might be a conversation between Herman Melville and a marketing rep from Disney.
(MR will stand for Marketing Rep)
What if Herman Melville worked for Disney?
MR: Mr. Melville, I have read your book “Moby Dick”, and it has some good points to it, but we would like you to make some changes to it.
Melville: I don’t understand.
MR: Well, we like the fact the story is about a whale. Kids like animals. We also like the fact that there is a multi-racial crew aboard the Pequod. Queequeg is magnificent. I think Starbuck should be an African-American. However, there are still a few changes we would like you to make.
MR: Yes. For example, there are no women aboard the Pequod. How are we going to sell this story if there is no woman for Ishmael to fall in love with?
Melville: But, there were no women on whalers.
MR: Well, you got a point there, but we still need a woman on the boat. I got it, she can be a princess that is running away from her evil father because she’s going to marry a total jerk.
Melville: There are no princesses in New England.
MR: Yeah, right. I know. She is an animal rights activist and doesn’t believe that they should kill whales. So, she stows away to stop the crew from killing any whales.
Melville: But the whole point is that they kill whales to make their living.
MR: You want this to sell, don’t you? Then we have a woman that will “save the whales”. We need a name. Jasmine, already taken. Belle, no. Esmeralda, no, we gave that one to Hugo. I got it, Cellina. Yeah, Cellina the woman from Greenpeace.
Melville: Green who?
MR: OK, now this Ishmael character. He’s too dark and depressed. We need him to be strong and handsome so that Cellina can fall in love with him.
Melville: But being depressed is the reason he’s going out to sea.
MR: No, he should be into adventure. Listen to this. Ishmael catches Cellina stowing away. However, instead of him turning her in, he decides to help her to save the whales. At risk of his own life, because if they are caught, Captain Ahab will feed them both to the sharks.
Melville: Why would Ishmael help her? He’s signed aboard a whaling ship, you know?
MR: Well, it’s because he sees Cellina’s hour glass figure, her smile, her long beautiful blonde hair, her passion for whales.
Melville: Whoa! He’s going to betray the entire ship for one woman?
MR: Well, Ishmael is an adventurer. He doesn’t really realize what they (the crew) are doing by killing whales. This will be the tension in his relationship with Cellina. She convinces him that what they’re doing is wrong.
Melville: Hold on. Ishmael doesn’t know what they’re doing to the whales? He’s signed on to a whaling ship. I think it would be obvious.
MR: Also, Moby Dick doesn’t have a big enough part in the book. I got it. Ishmael and Cellina befriend the whale. They talk to him at night while nobody else notices. Yeah, and Moby has two side kick dolphins, Francesca and Riggoletto. Yeah, kids love dolphins.
Melville: The whale talks?
MR: Sure he does! How else can we make stuffed animal toys to sell?
Melville: And nobody else is going to notice that a great white whale is right next to the boat?
MR: No, they’re all asleep. That is except for Captain Ahab’s evil sidekick parrot, Iago. Oh no, Iago is Jafar’s evil sidekick parrot. I got it: Rasputin. The parrot tells Ahab, then Ahab spies on Ishmael and Cellina to wait for Moby Dick to talk to them. Then Ahab wakes the whole crew so that they can try to kill the whale. Cellina blames Ishmael for this. However, Ishmael sabotages the harpoons in a big fight sequence. Then this typhoon comes and Cellina falls overboard. Ishmael tries to help her, but he can’t because he’s in a fight with Queequeg and Starbuck. Moby dives into the water and rescues Cellina. Then, lightning hits the main sail. Water rushes over the deck. The ship is blown apart. All the crew is in the water drowning. Cellina convinces Moby to save the crew which he does. He puts them all on his back. Then Captain Ahab and Rasputin come up with a big harpoon in a long boat. Ahab says “Now I got you, Moby Dick!!!” Well, at that point Cellina screams, and Ishmael shouts “No!!!” But Right as Ahab is about to throw the harpoon, he is knocked overboard by Francesca and Riggoletto. Ahab is last seen swimming for his life because two sharks (Annastasia and Nikoli) are chasing him and the parrot. The final scene has the whole crew on another boat where the captain is marrying Ishmael and Cellina with Moby Dick, Francesca, and Rigoletto jumping in and out of the water like you see in those Sea World shows.
MR: Mr. Melville, where are you going?
If you’re stressed, here are some comments you can use to help articulate your mood to others…
• Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
• Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
• Back off! You’re standing in my aura.
• I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
• Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!
• How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
• I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
• I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
• Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
• Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• Just smile and say “Yes, Mistress.”
• Chaos, panic, & disorder — my work here is done.
• A woman’s favorite position is CEO.
• Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
• You look like shit. Is that the style now?
• This is a mean, cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!
• Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
• Is it time for your medication or mine?
• Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
• I plead contemporary insanity.
• And which dwarf are you?
• I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
• It ain’t the size, it’s… no, it’s the size.
• I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
• I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
How To Succeed In Business
To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers.
“Hi,” you should say. “I’m a new employee. What is the name of my job?”
If they answer “long-range planner” or “lieutenant governor,” you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs, however, will require some work.
There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:
1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and,
2. Going to meetings.
Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because that’s where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings.
How Stupid Are They…
1. Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding.
2. Has the mental agility of a soap dish.
3. Has the personality of a snail on Valium.
4. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
5. Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
6. He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal.
7. He’s not a complete idiot — some parts are missing.
8. He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.
9. He’s so dense, light bends around him.
10. Hears more lyrics on records when they’re played backwards.
11. Her blender doesn’t go past “mix”.
12. Her dentist went deaf from the drill’s echoes.
13. Her head needs a periodic whack on the side.
14. Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.
15. His radio doesn’t pick up all the stations.
16. His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.
17. His family wasn’t dysfunctional…until he arrived.
18. His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. — Robin Williams
19. His head whistles in a cross wind.
20. Founder Of the flat earth society.
Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE – 50 cents PER PRE-PACKED BAG, 20 cents DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR)
English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Outside a photographer’s studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner’s window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH, BUT OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
Top 10 Star Trek The Next Generation Episodes That Never Got Aired
1. I, SPOT – Data’s cat Spot is assimilated by the Borg and winds up eliminating them all when she chokes on a hair ball.
2. ALEXANDER/ALEXADRIA – Worf’s honor is once again put to the test when his son Alexander comes out of the closet and admits to being a cross dresser.
3. THE TRICK – Captain Picard goes on a massive witch hunt to find out who switched his Earl Grey Tea with Folgers Crystals.
4. ENTERPRISE UNBOUND – Serious questions arise about the Enterprise when it suddenly comes to life and gives birth to a Ferengi shuttlecraft.
5. AND THE BAND PLAYED ON – Commander Riker stuns everybody by following their advice and taking trombone lessons.
6. KNIFE IN THE SHADOWS – Worf becomes worried when Troi begins watching old file tapes of what is termed “The Bobbit Case” after she catches him with a new Ensign.
7. THE BEAST WITHIN – Data is put on trial when it is discovered he downloaded several adult video files containing scenes of feline bestiality from a local Ferengi trader.
8. PLAY-TROI – Serious questions arise about Deanna Troi’s past when Wesley is caught with a back issue of SWANK Magazine which contains some surprising photographs.
9. BABYLON – The Enterprise passes through a hole in the intra- dimensional fabric and is hurled into another dimension, where the crew are all transformed into bald aliens with bones on the back of their heads.
10. METEOR – Rather than use phasers and destroy a large asteroid headed for a federation colony, Picard tries to talk it into changing course.
More Fun Things To Do During An Exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
1. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
2. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).
3. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
4. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Forget this!” and walk out triumphantly.
5. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
6. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
7. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”
8. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
9. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.
10. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
11. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”
12. Bring a water pistol with you.
13. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
14. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
15. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
16. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.
17. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
18. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. ”
19. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
20. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.