Things Mom Would Never Say
“How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
“Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too”
“Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery”
“Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another week”
“Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day”
“Well, if Timmy’s mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”
“The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”
“I don’t have a tissue with me … just use your sleeve”
“Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve”
Monday is George Carlin’s Birthday
George Carlin Quotes
1. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
2. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
3. I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
4. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
5. It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
6. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
7. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
8. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
9. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
10. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
11. I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
12. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.
13. Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
14. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
15. People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
16. The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
17. The status quo sucks.
18. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.
19. You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
20. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
Zero to 200
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the “Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation,” Dallas, Texas.
Prison Vs. Housewives
In prison, you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.
In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can’t sleep without his latest lego creation.
In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.
In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.
In prison, all your medical care is free.
At home, you have to pawn your mother’s silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.
In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.
In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.
At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else’s space, too, and what the heck is free time again?
In prison, you get your own personal toilet.
At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you’re done so you can do something for them.
In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else’s, and get yelled at because somebody’s favorite shirt isn’t clean.
In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.
At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.
In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.
At home, you have to lug around everybody else’s stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.
In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn’t.
At home….stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?
You Know You’ve Turned Into a Mom When…
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, “Mom, why don’t you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?”
You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you’ve reached over and started to cut up his steak!
Slogans That Never Quite Caught On
Microsoft: “How much are you going to pay today?”
MTV: “Loud and easy to spell.”
Saks 5th Avenue: “You Could Shop Here If You’re Poor, But That Would Be Stupid!”
Iguana: “The other green meat.”
Nike: “Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!”
Daisy Air Rifles: “Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years.”
Canon Photocopiers: “Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!”
Apple MacIntosh: “Hey, we thought of it first!”
Radio Shack: “You’ve got questions, we’ve got geek losers!”
Professional Bowling on NBC: “Oh, why don’t you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?”
How To Succeed In Business
To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers.
“Hi,” you should say. “I’m a new employee. What is the name of my job?”
If they answer “long-range planner” or “lieutenant governor,” you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs, however, will require some work.
There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:
1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and,
2. Going to meetings.
Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because that’s where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings.
Signs You Need A New Doctor
- He calls you at two in the morning “just to talk.”
- Instead of rubber surgical gloves he wears oven mitts.
- He keeps accidentally referring to himself as “the defendant.”
- He thinks Eastern Medicine was developed in Long Island.
- He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as “drumsticks.”
- His examination room is Room 201 at the No-Tell Motel.
- He introduces you to his anesthesiologist, “Doctor Jim Beam.”
- Before surgery, he asks if you want this “to go.”
- He tries to color your X-rays with crayons.
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn’t that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don’t they rotate on their own?
All the king’s HORSES and all the king’s men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn’t put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? “Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!”
Isn’t it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, “Oh, man, I can’t wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff.”
Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can’t get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can’t even get the DETERGENT white!
Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddy seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, “And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!” I think not.
100 Reasons Not to Have Kids (That I Discovered After I Had One)
While I, myself, have taken the parenting plunge, I do understand the opposing perspective — choosing to be child free. As a matter of fact, I think I understand it better now than I did before. So much so that I’ve compiled a list of 100 reasons not to have children.
You shouldn’t have kids if:
1. You dislike children.
2. You like to sleep.
3. You like to have sex.
4. You like to have money.
5. You like your freedom.
6. You like to swear.
7. You like to eat meals sitting down, with real cutlery.
8. You like your personal space.
9. You like to watch movies from start to finish in one sitting.
10. You like to watch HBO.
11. You don’t like the appearance or smell of vomit.
12. You don’t like the appearance or smell of poop.
13. You don’t like the idea of wiping another person’s snot.
14. You think “Wheels on the Bus” is a stupid song.
15. You like going on dates with your partner.
16. You would like things to stay exactly the way they are with your partner.
17. You value a daily shower.
18. You think weekends at Costco are worthy of a #facepalm tweet.
19. You like to shut the door while you’re in the bathroom.
20. You take more than one minute to make yourself presentable and ready to be seen in public.
21. You don’t like to say “no.”
22. You don’t like to take “no” for an answer.
23. You lack patience.
24. You like keeping your living quarters tidy and neat.
25. You enjoy spontaneous outings with friends.
26. You disapprove of the five-second rule.
27. You like to drink coffee while it’s piping hot.
28. You like to speak complete sentences without being interrupted.
29. You prefer your iPhone screen to be smudge-free.
30. You prefer your iPhone screen to be free of any kind of stickiness.
31. You care about your iPhone or iPad at all.
32. You like to phone your friends or family during the day.
33. You dislike Goldfish crackers or Cheerios.
34. You dislike stepping on LEGOs, wooden blocks or Mr. Potato Head parts.
35. You strongly believe certain body parts should remain perky.
36. You strongly believe other certain body parts should remain intact.
37. You are not fond of stretch marks.
38. You have a low tolerance for physical and psychological pain.
39. You have a low tolerance for asshole-ish behavior.
40. You like your current circle of friends who don’t have kids.
41. You hate minivans, or even worse — SUVs.
42. You are fond of your current shoe collection.
43. You like having control of the music in the car.
44. You detest unsolicited advice from complete strangers.
45. You like your job.
46. You like the furniture in your home — glass tops, sharp corners and all.
47. You enjoy fine dining.
48. You dislike wrinkles — in your clothes, as well as on your face.
49. The terms “we” and “us” make you cringe.
50. You like the neighbors with whom you share a wall.
51. You enjoy engaging in adult conversations.
52. You like to go to the gym on a daily basis and eat healthy.
53. You like to travel light.
54. You like to travel.
55. Your pets are important to you.
56. You think four colorfully dressed people wiggling their limbs is something no one should have to experience sober.
57. You feel that no one other than yourself should be a representation of you.
58. You like to party like it’s 1999 every New Year’s Eve.
59. You don’t like other (little) people choosing your friends for you.
60. You have hobbies, passions or interests.
61. You are content at your present weight.
62. You dislike reading the same books every day.
63. Your mental, psychological, physical, emotional and spiritual health are important to you.
64. You like certainty and predictability in your day.
65. You don’t like to share everything you own.
66. You feel you should be able to take a midday nap or put your feet up whenever you are tired.
67. You feel that laundry should be limited to one load per week.
68. Matching socks is far from your favorite pastime.
69. Extreme emotions frighten you.
70. You like to remain informed about current events.
71. You prefer not to explain the “birds and the bees” to little people.
72. The day you graduated, you swore you’d never set foot in a school again.
73. You think holidays such as Christmas and Easter should be relaxing and a chance to unwind.
74. You think summer means patios, beer and beaches.
75. You think Chuck E. Cheese’s is where people go when they have lost all hope.
76. The idea of paying thousands of dollars for someone else’s tuition seems ridiculous.
77. You think the phrase “Don’t put that in your mouth” is unnecessary.
78. You enjoy reading books intended for adults.
79. You dislike germs.
80. You have an extensive designer wardrobe, and you would die if any of the pieces were ruined or destroyed in some barbaric way.
81. You feel that bodily functions and fluids should not be discussed publicly.
82. You think that the only person who should examine human feces is someone wearing a lab coat.
83. You don’t like going to Pizza Hut.
84. You prefer not to interact with teachers.
85. You think Elmo’s voice is annoying.
86. You like weddings — so much so that you’re the person who needs to be shooed off the dance floor at the end of night.
87. You feel selfies mean pictures of yourself… alone.
88. You feel chocolatey hands should steer clear of white couches and light-colored carpeting.
89. You think the “quiet game” is not real.
90. You think the word “vacation” means a relaxing time with peace and quiet.
91. You think the term “playdate” is silly.
92. You want to continue to use the word “baby” to address a significant other.
93. You think All You Can Eat restaurants are absurd.
94. You don’t know the actual lyrics to “Do Your Balls Hang Low” and “Jingle Bells, Batman Smells.”
95. You like to be alone sometimes.
96. You feel negotiations should only occur between adults.
97. You think bribery is unethical and has led to the downfall of many societies.
98. You dislike staring contests.
99. You think Disney World makes Chuck E. Cheese’s look like heaven.
100. You feel the task of shaping another human being should be left to the professionals.