The Muppet’s UK Press Conference
It’s Friday…The 13th
10 Things You Should Never Say To A Woman In An Argument
1. Don’t you have some laundry to do or something?
2. Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
3. You’re just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.
4. Wait a minute – I get it. What time of the month is it?
5. Shouldn’t you consult the great Oprah on this one?
6. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. Wait are you sure your not supposed to use this one?
7. Whoa, time out. Football is on.
8. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
9. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain’t loaded
Bike For Sale
Actual online ad:
$10,000 06′ Suzuki GSXR 1000
This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It’s been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I’m selling it because it was purchased without the proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently “do whatever the fu(k you want” doesn’t mean what I thought. Call Pete, (310)555-1234
Some Jewish Shticks
Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
Q: What business is a yenta in?
Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for dinner?
A: They put them in the car.
Q: What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails long?
A: Nothing at all!
Q: Define “genius”
A: An average student with a Jewish mother.
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.
Jewish proverb: “A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she’ll never forget what she forgave.”
One of life’s mysteries – how a 2 Ib. box of chocolates can make a Jewish woman gain 5 lbs.??!
Another of life’s mysteries is when a Jewish woman hangs something in her wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
The trouble with some Jewish women is that they get all excited about nothing; then they marry him.
A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to realize that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one
A sadist and a masochist were put into the same jail cell and soon found out about each other.
The masochist cried, “Oh, hurt me, pinch me, humiliate me. Please cause me pain!”
The sadist looked at him and said, “No!”
Le ‘Good Humor Never Hurts
The new neighbor knocks on my door.
I open it and am breathless!
Very surprised by the new neighbors extraordinary beauty.
Almost stuttering I say: “What can I do for you?”
She responds: “Look, I’m newly arrived in town, I want to have fun, get drunk and F#%K all night … Are you busy tonight??. ”
“Of course not!”
“So, please, would you mind keeping my dog until tomorrow?
The other morning at 6.30 my doorbell rings… With one eye closed and half-sleepy I went to open.
There was my mother-in-law, saying: “Can I stay here a week?”
“Sure” I answered…. and I closed the door.
Two girlfriends on the phone:
“Finally, after three years together, Max talked to me about Marriage!”
“Really, what did he say?”
“That his wife’s name is Angela and that they have four children.”
Quote of the year, which speaks for itself, as stated by a Brazilian physician Drauzio Varella:
“In today’s world we spend 5 times more for drugs that help the impotence of men and women with silicone breast implants than we do for curing Alzheimer’s.
Therefore in future we will have old women with big tits and old men with hard cock, but none of them will remember what to do with them and what they are for.”
1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
3 – Half the people you know are below average.
4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend,……but she left me before we met.
12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
It’s Hell to be Old
OLD people have problems that you haven’t even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing’ it between her knees, but still nothing..’
The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbor?’
The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
“Follow me son” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Now we eat everybody.” And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the shit inside!”
No need to thank me, I just try to learn something new every day.
You Think English Is Easy?
Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8 ) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend.
PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’?