Friday Fun Stuff – 4-25-14

Disney Princess Spring Breakers Trailer

I So Want This To Be A Real Movie!

Comic Relief – Catherine Tate & David Tennant


Wit Is Alive

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
John Glenn

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I’m a billionaire.
Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Jean Kerr

I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
Robin Hall

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.
Arthur C. Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
Jimmy Durante

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Robert Benchley


Over Sixty

Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”
Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
Cowboy: “Nah… She’s purty good lookin’…..”
When you are over sixty who gives a shit…………

***********
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, “Is that Corona or Bud?”
I said, “There’s a tap underneath; taste it and find out.”
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
“Really” she said, “Go on then…try.”
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?”
I said, “Yesterday.”
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, “Nice legs.”
The girl giggled and said with a smile, “Do you really think so.”
I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. ”
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?


Boyfriend v. Husband

Q: What’s the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?

A: About 30 pounds


Observations from Across the Nation

“Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men”
—Women’s restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

“The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.”
—Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL

“Beauty is only a light switch away.”
—>Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

“I’ve decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.”
—Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts.

“If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.”
—Armand’s Pizza. Washington, DC

Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?”, it’s “Hi, how are you?”
—Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

“God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?”
—The Irish Times. Washington, DC

“It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.”
—Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

“If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.”
—Revolution Books. New York, New York.

“Express Lane: Five beers or less.”
—Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s. Phoenix, AZ.


Perks Of Reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 or beyond!

At the root of every grey hair, there is a dead brain cell.

Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you, too.

Don’t laugh…. It is all true!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run — anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, ‘Did I wake you?’
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience.

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
Never, NEVER, NEVER, Under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!


I Don’t Know What To Call These Either

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Drink ‘til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough.
Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb.
Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.


Mother In Law

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways… At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say “Yes, it was.” The men would then ask, “Can I borrow that mule?” and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.’”


How Do These People Survive?

1. Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don’t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter. “You don’t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply. “So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?” “That’s right.” So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “divider”, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?” I said to her “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today.” She said “OK,” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM “thingy.”

4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?” “Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked. “No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk.”

5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?” “Just use copier machine paper,” the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five “blank” copies.

6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister.” I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the “cruise control” and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

7. My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: “I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”

8. Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.

9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer….. Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.


How Many Women Can a Man Marry?

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. “How do you know that?”

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: ’4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.’”


Covering It Up

Having gone to his secretary’s apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. “My God!” he shouted, “My wife is going to kill me!” Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife. “Honey!” he began, “Don’t pay the ransom. I escaped!”


Because There’s Nothing Olimpic Athlets Like More Then A Hacking Caugh In The Morning
Because There's Nothing Olimpic Athlets Like More Then A Hacking Caugh In The Morning
 
Help, I Fell In!
Help, I Fell In!
 
Zeus Ran Out Of Lightning And Had To Improvise
Zeus Ran Out Of Lightning And Had To Improvise
 
Can I Move To Erope?
Can I Move To Erope
 
You Take At Least Six
You Take At Least Six
 
Oh Common Who Needs A Harnesss?
Oh Common Who Needs A Harnesss
 
Look Honey She Even Has References
Look Honey She Even Has References
 
What, No Cheese?
What, No Cheese
 
So That’s How Your Supposed To Hold On To A Moving Train
So That's How Your Supposed To Hold On To A Moving Train
 
Don’t You Even Think Of Trying To Leave Me At The Alter!
Don't You Even Think Of Trying To Leave Me At The Alter!

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