If Hogwarts Taught Sex Ed
The Opposite of the Friend Zone: Getting Girlfriend Zoned
These women are idiots!
“I’m proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money.” — Arthur Godfrey
“The trouble with the profession of tax collecting is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.” — anonymous
“Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose you more money than any single person in your life, with the possible exception of your kids.” — Harvey Mackay
“What’s the difference between a tax auditor and a rottweiler? A rottweiler eventually lets go.” — anonymous
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.” –– Mark Twain
“People who complain about paying their income tax can be divided into two types: men and women.” — anonymous
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.” — Farmer’s Almanac
“For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.” — anonymous
“The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest possible amount of feathers, with the smallest possible amount of hissing.” — Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?” — Peg Bracken
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.” — Russell Baker
“I owe the government $3,400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.” — Michael McShane
“Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.” — Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
“How can you tell when a tax auditor is trying to trap you into a confession? Answer: When his lips are moving.” — anonymous
“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.” -Albert Einstein
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.” -George Bernard Shaw
Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference! You will be allowed 10 minutes to complete the test. Write your answers in the spaces provided. Are you ready? What is the time?
1) Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days? ____________________
2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken? ____________________
3) I went to bed at eight o’clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o’clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm? ____________________
4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?___________________
5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left? ___________________
6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first? ____________________
7) A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear? ____________________
8) Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have? ___________________
9) How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark? ____________________
10) If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburg to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what’s the name of the driver? ____________________
1) All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
2) 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o’clock, then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o’clock, they will be taken in 1 hour.
3) 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.
4) 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
5) 9 live sheep.
6) The match.
7) White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
8) 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
9) None. It was Noah, not Moses.
10) YOU are the driver.
Grading Scale (out of 10)
6 High school pupil
5 Primary school pupil
3 College lecturer
2 University lecturer
1 Member of Congress
A Mothers Dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”
A blind man was describing his favorite sport of skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that everything was done for him. “I am placed in the door and told when to jump,” he said. “My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.
“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground,” he answered.
“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was asked.
He quickly answered, “Oh, my dog’s leash goes slack.”
Clues You Could Be A Redneck…
• You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
• You’ve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
• You think the Bud Bowl is real.
• Your dog goes “oink!”
• You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
• Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
• You know how to milk a goat.
• Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
• Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
• You’ve ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
• Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
• You have a refrigerator just for beer.
• You come back from the dump with more than you took.
• Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
• You’ve ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
• You don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
• You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
• You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
• The most common phrase heard in your house is, “Somebody go jiggle the handle.”
Real State Laws
These are real standing laws from around the United States of America.
Alabama: It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
California: Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
4. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Illinois: It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.
Iowa: Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is “sober” until he or she “cannot hold onto the ground.”
2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is “simple assault,” while biting someone with your false teeth is “aggravated assault.”
1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
4. Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
Nebraska: A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.
New Mexico: Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.
New York: A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking “at a woman in that way.” A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a “pair of horse-blinders” wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
North Dakota: Beer & pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
Ohio: Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
1. Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
2. Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.
3. Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
1. A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
2. No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.
Rhode Island: It is illegal to throw pickle juice at a trolley.
1. A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
2. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
Vermont: Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week — on Saturday night.
1. All lollipops are banned.
2. A law to reduce crime states: “It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.
Why Aren’t You Married?
Here are some comebacks:
• You haven’t asked yet.
• I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
• Because I just love hearing this question.
• Just lucky, I guess.
• It gives my mother something to live for.
• My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.
• I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
• Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Hamilton?
• I’m waiting until I get to be your age.
• It didn’t seem worth a blood test.
• I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
• Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
• My co-op board doesn’t allow spouses.
• I’d have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
• They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
• I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
• I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.
• What? And lose all the money I’ve invested in singles sites?
• I don’t want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
• Why aren’t you thin?
• I’m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
• Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
Short And Funny
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
“I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes.”
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
I LOVE THIS NEXT ONE!
My wife and I had words,
But I didn’t get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re not going anywhere.
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
International Marketing Flops
Yes these really did happen.
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn’t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example:
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.”
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” came out as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.”
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem – Feeling Free,” got translated in the Japanese market into “When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.”
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “nova” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals”. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company’s mistakenly thought the Spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.”
Chicken-man Frank Perdue’s slogan, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained “It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.”
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means “big breasts.” In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
Japan’s second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.
In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extol the drink’s eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, “Orange juice. It gets your pecker up.”
Continuing Education Courses For Women
• Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
• The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
• Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
• Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
• Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
• Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
• Valuation: Just Because It’s Not Important to You . . .
• Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
• Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
• Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
• Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
• Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
• Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
• Introduction to Parking.
• Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
• Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.
• Water retention: Fact or Fat.
• Cooking I: Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
• Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
• Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
• Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
• Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To.
• Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
• Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
• Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
• Ballet: For Women Only.
• Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
• Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges & Monty Python
• “Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?” – Why Men Lie.
• TV Remotes: For Men Only.