Tim Conway – Son Of Tarzan
How Stupid Are They…
1. Takes her 2 hours to watch “60 Minutes”.
2. Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being dragged around the block by it.
3. Talks to plants on their own level.
4. Teflon brain…nothing sticks. — Lilly Tomlin
5. The best part of him ran down his mother’s legs. — Jackie Gleason
6. The definitive answer is: Her glass is half empty.
7. The going got weird, and he turned pro.
8. The perfect personality to write software manuals.
9. The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
10. The wheel’s spinning but the hamster’s dead.
11. There’s nothing wrong with you that couldn’t be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet. — Woody Allen
12. Thick as pig dung and twice as smelly.
13. Thinks “Private Enterprise” means owning a personal starship.
14. Thinks E=MC2 is a rap star.
15. Thinks everyone else is entitled to his opinion, like it or not.
16. Thinks male zebras are the ones with the black stripes.
17. Throws his rod and reel off the bridge when casting.
18. Too dumb to be bothered when publicly displaying her ignorance.
19. Took the little bus to school.
20. Her Train of thought derailed.
An 18-year old Al-Qaida suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, “Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, I have a request. Since I’m only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 v!rgins, who also won’t know what to do sexu@lly, can I have 72 whore$?”
Allah regarded him for a moment then replied, “Actually, the 72 v!rgins are here in heaven because a$$holes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of se x.
So, you’re here to service them. Since they’re v!rgins, they’re quite sexu@lly ravenous; and, frankly, you’ll be on constant exhausting duty.”
“The bomber responded, “Well, I guess I can handle that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?”
And Allah replied, “Who said they were women?”
You Might Be A Redneck If…
1. Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
2. There is a wasp nest in your living room.
3. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
4. You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
5. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
6. You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
8. Fewer than half of your cars run.
9. You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
10. The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
11. Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
12. Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
13. Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
14. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
15. You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
16. Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
17. Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
18. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
19. Your favorite T-shirt is considered offensive in thirteen states.
20. You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.
Best Boss Comments
The shit really does rise to the top
An Incentive For Good Work
One of the employees in my department resigned. Instead of filling the position at $30,000/year, I suggested an alternative incentive plan. Each month, the most productive worker in my department could earn a $1,000 bonus, if the department’s monthly goals were met. My Boss reviewed my proposal and rejected it — including the $18,000 annual savings. She said “What if this worked? Everyone in the company would want to work for you.”
Qualified For My Job
I work on a construction site as a carpenter. It is a union job and I am not supposed to do any digging. However, finding a laborer frequently takes too long and I occasionally do the digging myself.
The other day, my Foreman was walking through the job site on a rare tour with some ‘suits’ from the home office. When he got to my area, he caught me digging. I guess he was too occupied with the big wigs to notice that I was the carpenter. In his usual condescending manner he said “Too bad you didn’t finish high school, maybe then you wouldn’t have to do that digging”. I replied “Too bad I went at all, I could have been a foreman”.
The Cost of Cheating
After months of hard work, I closed a deal for $70,000,000. My customer bought the equipment because of our strong personal relationship and my company’s technical capabilities. Six months later they doubled the order.
My Bosses, thinking that they had closed the deal, limited my commission to a fraction of what it should have been. I found a new job and quit. A week later my customer moved the order to my new company.
I am the manager of the secretarial pool. One night a Sales Rep came to my office in a panic. He said he had a very important proposal that HAD to go out that night. It was 5:00 o’clock, I was tired and I refused. Before I could leave the department the Sales Rep managed to reach the VP who called and ‘convinced’ me to get it done.
Before I started the proposal, I told the sales rep that I would miss my ride and as a result, I would be without a way to get home. With clear salesman charm, the rep offered to take me home. He said he would be waiting in his office upstairs.
Without that worry I went to work. I worked non-stop until 8:00 p.m. Proud of my accomplishment, I carried it up to the salesman’s office. The floor was empty and his office was dark. The cleaning crew said he left at 5:30.
The Right Elements
After two and one-half years of college I quit and got a job at a major retailer. I quickly learned the ropes and, within the span of eight months, began training the newly hired managers on how to do their job, as well as mine. I repeatedly asked to enter the management training program, seeing as how I already knew how to run the store and had already proven myself as an outstanding employee.
My district manager repeatedly denied my requests, while hiring management trainees with no retail experience or degrees in related subjects. I finally confronted my Boss when a fellow associate was promoted after being with the company for three weeks. She said “It takes experience and education to get ahead. You’ll need a college degree to be successful, here.”
A Security Breech
I was hired as a third shift security officer in a local chemical plant. The company was losing supplies and they wanted me to investigate. After just two weeks, I informed the Plant Manager that the foreman on third shift was carrying the goods off the rear docks. He said “My Brother?”
A Tough Time
One day my Boss noticed that we used a luxury brand of toilet paper – and the supply was running low. So he took the initiative to buy 24 rolls of recycled, cheapo, sandpaper-style paper, which he proudly boasted cost 20% less than the luxury brand. He made sure everyone knew about his cost saving exercise.
Later that day the President showed my Boss the maintenance contract. Our cleaning service buys all cleaning supplies.
Fun Things To Do In A Final
Warning: You should only do these if you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam.
1. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”
2. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
3. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.
4. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
5. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “You don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of Our Lives is on!!!”
6. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
7. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
8. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
9. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
10. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.
11. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
12. Bring cheat sheets TO ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious…like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”
13. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
14. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
15. One word: Wrestlemania.
16. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
17. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
18. Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
19. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
20. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc… sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
22. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
23. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.
24. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks”
Common Sense Obituary
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn’t always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I’m A Victim
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
Rejected Hallmark Greetings
My tire was thumping….
I thought it was flat….
when I looked at the tire….
I noticed your cat… Sorry
You had your bladder removed
and you’re on the mends….
here’s a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
You’ve announced that you’re gay,
won’t that be a laugh,
when they find out you’re one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Hope you feel zippy!
‘Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
Heard your wife left you…
How upset you must be…
But don’t fret about it ….
She moved in with me
You totaled your car…
and can’t remember why…
could it have been…
that case of Bud Dry?
So your daughter’s a hooker,
and it spoiled your day…
Look at the bright side,
she’s a really good lay.
15 Things PMS Stands For:
1.) Pass My Shotgun
2.) Psychotic Mood Shift
3.) Perpetual Munching Spree
4.) Puffy Mid-Section
5.) People Make me Sick
6.) Provide Me with Sweets
7.) Pardon My Sobbing
8.) Pimples May Surface
9.) Pass My Sweatpants
10.) Pissy Mood Syndrome
11.) Plainly, Men Suck
12.) Pack My Stuff
13.) Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
14.) Poor Me syndrome.
15.) Potential Murder Suspect
Dating Vs Marriage
When you are dating….. Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ….You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband at all times.
When you are dating….. He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ….He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going to drink?”
When you are dating….. He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ….He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating….. A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad.
When you are married ….A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating….. You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ….You think to yourself “Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”
When you are dating….. You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ….You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”
When you are dating….. He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ….He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating….. You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ….You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating….. Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy.”
When you are married ….When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating….. He knows what the “hamper” is.
When you are married ….The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.
When you are dating….. He understands if you “Aren’t in the mood.”
When you are married ….He says “It’s your job.”
When you are dating….. He understands that you have “male” friends.
When you are married ….He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating….. He likes to “discuss” things.
When you are married ….He develops a “blank” stare.
When you are dating….. He calls you by name.
When you are married ….He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.”
An American tourist, was wandering in Tel Aviv, when, suddenly, he feels a strong urge to urinate … looking all over for a bathroom, the American fin ally goes to the nearby alley, stands in a hidden corner near a high wall and begins undoing his zipper.
Before starting to urinate, the tourist feels a light tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and in front of him he sees an Israeli policeman.
Excuse me, sir, says the policeman, it is not allowed to urinate in public places…
The American apologizes and says he had no choice – he could not help it, as he could not fund a public bathroom.
I’ll help you – says the policeman…follow me. He leads the tourist through a small gate in a wall and shows the tourist the way in.
The tourist enters and his eyes almost popped out of their sockets: he stood in a magnificent and well groomed garden, full of manicured lawns, with flowers, shrubs and trees. Here and there he saw statues and ornamental ponds and deep in the garden there was a magnificent building.
The policeman points to a tree and tells the tourist: No problem, you can urinate right here.
The tourist urinates, makes a sigh of relief and asks the policeman, is that what you call “Israeli politeness”?
No, the policeman replies, – we call it the Turkish Embassy.