Funniest Elevator Pranks
“The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.” — Mark Twain
“The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.” — Will Rogers
“No taxation without regimentation.” — Archie Bunker (fictional TV character on “All in the Family”)
“Why is it that if you take advantage of a tax break and you’re a corporation, you’re a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something you need to not be hungry, you’re a moocher?” — Jon Stewart
“They can’t collect legal taxes from illegal money.” — Al Capone
“As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan.” — Dave Barry
“We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.” — Leona Helmsley
“The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.” — Will Rogers
“You don’t pay taxes — they take taxes.” — Chris Rock
“Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.” — Dave Barry
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling.” — Paula Poundstone
“Taxes are important. President Bush’s tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.” — Andy Rooney
“I think most people… would be glad to pay the same taxes they paid when Bill Clinton was president, if only they could have the same economy they had when Bill Clinton was president.” — Howard Dean
“There aren’t many downsides to being rich, other than paying taxes and having relatives asking for money. But being famous, that’s a 24-hour job right there.” — Bill Murray
“The rich aren’t like us, they pay less taxes.” — Peter De Vries
“The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.” — John Maynard Keynes
“Death, taxes, and childbirth! There’s never any convenient time for any of them.” — Margaret Mitchell
“The invention of the teenager was a mistake. Once you identify a period of life in which people get to stay out late but don’t have to pay taxes — naturally, no one wants to live any other way.” — Judith Martin
“This is a question too difficult for a mathematician. It should be asked of a philosopher” (when asked about completing his income tax form) — Albert Einstein
“The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.” — Joe E. Lewis
“The nation should have a tax system that looks like someone designed it on purpose.” — William Simon
“Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors…and miss.” — Robert Heinlein
“It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.” — Dave Barry
“Dear IRS, I am writing to you to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list.” — Charles M. Schulz (Snoopy)
“Our tax code is so long it makes ‘War and Peace’ seem breezy.” — Steven LaTourette
“Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.” — Oscar Wilde
“On my income tax 1040 it says ‘Check this box if you are blind.’ I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.”
~ Tom Lehrer
“If you drive a car, I’ll tax the street. If you try to sit, I’ll tax your seat. If you get too cold, I’ll tax the heat. If you take a walk, I’ll tax your feet.” — The Beatles
Understanding Your Paycheck:
Gross pay: $1,222.02
244.40 Income Tax
45.21 Outgo Tax
61.10 State Tax
5.89 Interstate Tax
6.11 County Tax
12.22 City Tax
4.44 Rual Tax
1.11 Back Tax
1.16 Front Tax
1.61 Side Tax
2.22 Up Tax
1.11 Down Tax
1.98 Knickknack Tax
3.93 Hackensack Tax
0.98 Thumb Tax
0.69 Carpet Tax
8.32 Snack Tax
3.46 Sur Tax
3.46 Ma’am Tax
5.00 Parking Fee
10.00 No Parking
5.85 Life Ins.
16.23 Health Ins.
2.50 Disability Ins.
0.25 Ability Ins.
3.41 Liability Ins.
4.50 Dental Ins.
4.33 Mental Ins.
0.11 Fundamental Ins.
66.51 Coffee Cups
3.06 Calendar Rental
16.85 Floor Rental
4.32 Chair Rental
4.32 Desk Rental
5.85 Union Dues
3.77 Union Don’ts
0.69 Cash Advances
121.35 Cash Retreats
1.26 Over Time
54.83 Under Time
9.00 Eastern Time
8.00 Central Time
7.00 Mountain Time
6.00 Pacific Time
4.44 Daylight Savings
12.21 Time Out
46.83 Air Conditioning
Total Take Home Pay = $0,000.02
This is where the expression “just my 2 cents” came from.
SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Lovers help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, “Congrats”. But, none of them come and touch the man’s penis and say, “Good job”.
Moral of the story: “Hard work is never appreciated.”
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name.
3. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
5. Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Some Old Some New
An angry wife to her husband on phone:
“Where the hell are you …?”
Husband: Darling you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn’t have money that time and I said “Baby it’ll be yours one day … “:)
Wife, with a smile & blushing: Yeah I remember that my Love!
Husband: I‘m in the Pub just next to that shop!!
A Special Package for Business Men.
An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.
Buy your ticket, get your wife’s ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip?
All of them gave a same reply…”What trip?”
New SIM to surprise her husband
Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:
The husband responds in a low tone:
“Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.
Lion pounced on wife
In an African Safari, a Lion suddenly pounced on Max’s wife.
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
MAX: Yes, Yes. I’m changing the battery of my camera.
Throwing knives at wife’s picture
Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.
All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her “Hi, what are you doing?”
His honest reply, “MISSING YOU”
Habit of talking in sleep
A lady to doctor: My husband has the habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure?
Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.
Part & Art of living
Having a “WIFE” is a part of “living”…
But having a “GIRLFRIEND” along with the “WIFE” is “art of living”.
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN
Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt,
Tsunamis to devastate,
Hurricanes to sway around
& no one teaches how to choose a wife,
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.
Why did you shoot your wife?
Judge: “Why did you shoot your wife instead of shooting her lover?
Defendant: Your honor, it’s easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting a man every week.
Your husband needs rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
Facebook Status Translator
Facebook can be a wonderful tool. It’s good for reconnecting with old friends and organizing social events. Sadly, Facebook also has a dark, dark underbelly that could deflower your innocent mind if you are not careful. Due to spending an unhealthy amount of time reading Facebook statuses, I have been able to develop an accurate translation for what Facebook statuses actually mean.
Facebook Status Number 1: I luv my gf so much!!!! She is teh lite of my lif. We hav a luv tat wil last 4eva!
Translation: Despite my claims that our love will last forever, chances are that our love will only last just a couple more weeks. Hopefully, this status will make my girlfriend put out. Also, I cannot spell. I am a moron.
Facebook Status Number 2: UGGGGHHHH!!!! I hate my life. Why does everything always go so wrong for me?
Translation: Attention. I crave it.
Facebook Status Number 3: Worshipping Jesus/Allah/No one/ The Flying Spaghetti Monster/ Tom Cruise is right and everyone else is wrong!!!!!
Translation: I’m bored and I really want someone to argue with me right now.
Facebook Status Number 4: I’mmmmm ssssssoooooo drrrrruuuuunnnkk rite now!
Translation: I’ve had two shots of vodka.
Facebook Status Number 5: I hate the opposite sex. They suck.
Translation: Why won’t anyone go out with me? I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I generalize the very people that I so desperately want to be with. I also fail to realize that the common denominator in all of my failed relationships is me.
Facebook Status Number 6: I like smoking crack and I am a child molester!!!!
Translation: This status was made by a friend of the Facebook account holder. The Facebook account holder is obviously not a crack smoker or a child molester.
Facebook Status Number 7: I GOT SO MUCH SWAG BRO. BOW. DRINK UP TONIGHT! SWAG!
Translation: I need to be removed from the gene pool. Capital letters make a Facebook status 75 percent cooler. The fact that I exist make people doubt the very existence of God.
Facebook Status Number 8: My birthday is tomorrow!!!
Translation: Please wish me a happy birthday on Facebook tomorrow. Your “Happy Birthdays” validate my existence.
Facebook Status Number 9: -Insert copy and pasted status here-
Translation: I know everyone has already seen this status a million times. I think everyone has to see everything at least a million and one times before they are truly affected. Also, if rocks could die, I would have the creativity of a dead rock.
Facebook Status Number 10: IM SO SICK OF ALL THE DRAMA!
Translation: I am not sick of all the drama. Please give me more. Maybe drama can fix my caps lock key.
Facebook Status Number 11: Eating some pizza!
Translation: People care about my dietary choices.
Facebook Status Number 12: I’m so proud of little Johnny for scoring a goal in soccer today!!!
Translation: My kids are better than your kids, bitch. Your child doesn’t have shit on little Johnny.
Facebook Status Number 13: So, what do you guys think about politics?
Translation: I don’t want to argue, but I want other people to argue on my status. Getting tons of Facebook notifications makes me feel good about myself.
Facebook Status Number 14: I NEED YOU SO BAD BABY GIRL!!!
Translation: I have no interests and hobbies beyond my soon-to-fail relationship. Also, I need my baby girl to fix my caps lock key.
Facebook Status Number 15: Check out this link to the new rap I made and then put on Youtube.
Translation: Click this link and you’ll hate yourself for life.
Facebook Status Number 16: I’m so tired of people being bitchy to me. You know who you are!
Translation: Actually confronting the person who is giving me problems is way too courageous for me to do, so I’m going to passively-aggressively broadcast my problems to the public who mostly likely do not give a damn about my problems.
Testing Lifesavers In Class
A teacher was doing a study tasting the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers.
The children began to say:
Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers.
After eating them none of the children could identify the taste.
“Well,” he said, “I’ll give you all a clue; It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.”
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled: “Oh, my God! They’re assholes!!!
10 Signs You’re In The Doghouse
1. She avoids making eye contact with you.
Fellas, we all know that women love making eye contact with their man. If she’s avoiding your gaze, it can only mean one thing: you’re in the doghouse!
2. She stops talking to you.
Women were put on this earth to talk. If she’s giving you the silent treatment, you better figure out what’s wrong and patch things up because guess what? You’re in the doghouse!
3. She says everything’s “fine.”
If you ask what’s wrong and your woman says everything’s “fine”—you KNOW things are bad! Pay attention to her tone of voice; if she uses a sarcastic tone or a tone that’s hard to describe or a regular tone, you are definitely in the doghouse!
4. She swears that “really, everything is fine.”
When you relentlessly demand to know what’s wrong and she continues to insist that “really, everything is fine,” there’s no question that you have been sentenced to the maximum security wing of the doghouse penitentiary. You better find out what you did so you can apologize!
5. She says you’re “scaring her.”
One telltale sign that you’re in the doghouse is when, after you’ve locked your woman in the crawlspace and told her you won’t let her out until she says what you did wrong, she claims that you’re “scaring her.” What she’s really saying is “Welcome to the doghouse, mister!”
6. She says she “never wants to see you again.”
Women say all kinds of funny things when you let them out of the crawlspace after a couple weeks, but if she says she never wants to see you again—you know something’s up. News alert: you’re probably in the doghouse!
7. She files a “restraining order” against you.
Be suspicious any time your woman’s lawyer tells you that you are no longer legally allowed within 200 yards of her because of that whole crawlspace business. Nine times out of ten, what she’s really saying is that your woman is upset with you and wants you to know that you’re in the doghouse. Sounds like someone better go buy some roses!
8. She “marries someone else.”
If you don’t hear from your woman for several years and then find out that she has gotten married, she’s clearly trying to tell you that something’s wrong! You’re going to need more than roses to get you out of this one. A nice orchid should do the trick. Bring the orchid to your woman’s new house and apologize for whatever you did wrong!
9. She pretends she “doesn’t know who you are.”
Every guy has been here: your woman has gotten married to send you a message, so you show up at her new house with a beautiful orchid and she pretends to have no idea who you are. Meanwhile, her new husband has you in a headlock and wants to know how you got into their house. Suddenly, your woman claims that the cops are on their way. Woops! Pop quiz: What is rapidly losing circulation to its brain and totally in the doghouse? Answer: You!
10. Your court-ordered psychiatrist says that “your entire relationship with the individual you insist on referring to as ‘your woman’ is an elaborate fantasy-turned-delusion that your subconscious created as a mechanism to avoid acknowledging the crushing disappointment of your real life. The woman and her husband have decided not to press charges on the condition that you commit to seeking professional mental help.”
If there’s one dead giveaway that your woman is angry with you, this is it! Go ahead and pour yourself a bowl of kibbles, ‘cause—you guessed it: you’re in the doghouse!
What Is A Dilemma
One friend said to the other: what is a dilemma, actually?
He replied: well, there’s nothing better than an example to illustrate that.
Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.
Who are you going to turn your back on?
1) A contraction of the term “all-his-money”.
2) A splitting headache.
3) It’s the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.
4) Paying for something you don’t get.
5) That’s the same as buying corn for somebody else’s cow.
6) The high cost of leaving.
7) The last laugh.
8) The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husband’s checkbook.
9) Buying oats for a runaway horse.
10) A woman’s cash surrender value.
11) The billing minus the cooing.
Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.
Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.
Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.
What is the definition of a faithful husband? One who’s alimony checks arrive on time.
He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.
No Arms Or Legs
The madam of a whore house hears the front door bell ring so she opens the door. When she sees that no one is there she starts to close the door and hears a guy say, “I’m down here”. Lying on the ground is a man with no arms or legs.
The madam says, “With out any arms or legs what do think you’re going to do here?”
The guy says, “I rang the door bell didn’t I.”