Sesame Street And The Internet
• Where there’s a will, there’s an Inheritance Tax
• Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn’t get worse every year
• Foreign Aid in the US amounts to taxing the poor people in this rich country for the benefit of the rich people in poor countries
• Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund
• You know it’s a really bad day when your income tax refund check bounces
• I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried — but they wanted cash
• Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents ?
• Any reasonable system of taxation would be based on the slogan of Soak the Rich
• The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has
• Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today
• There is only one thing worse than the flu season — the tax season. You can recover from the flu
• The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them
• Bumper Sticker: Save Our Trees. Stop Printing Tax Forms!
• I’m proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is — I could be just as proud paying half as much
• Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as they formerly got in wages
• There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax
• Taxpayers don’t have to take a civil service exam to work for the government
• Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others
• A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing something right
• Ever wonder why we’re “Born Free” only to be taxed to death
• And another thing — Have you ever wondered if taxation without representation would have been cheaper?
Since corporate lobbyists can write tax codes to help their clients, why can’t ordinary people get lobbyists to write tax codes for us?
• All money lost while playing Monopoly (double if lost to one’s teenager, for “humiliation compensation”)
• All money spent on chocolate (which act as an antidepressant and should be a deductible medical expense)
• $10 for every cookbook you own beyond the three you really use
• $100 for every day your life had been turned upside-down as workmen overrun you home doing a remodeling job. (Call it “workers’ comp,” even though there’s no compensation large enough for this special kind of suffering)
• $25 per minute for listening to any explanations or promises by a politician during an election year (call it an “entertainment deduction”)
• $50 for every diet you have tried this past year that didn’t work (a new kind of “capital gains” deduction)
• School materials fee, if the only thing your child learned this year was the Batman version of “Jingle Bells”
• Gas and travel expense for attending important one-day-only sales
• Cost of any horn or drum lessons for your kids, during the first six years of study (additional $5 earplug and aspirin deduction)
• The cost of your husband’s exercise equipment that he never uses ($10 per pound of equipment, plus $10 per pound of husband)
• $100 for all worthless items purchased at a garage sale, which you them have to unload at your own sale
• $50 per missed message when the answering machine, through no fault of your own, fails to convince callers to leave their names and numbers ($500 if you finally give up and sell your machine at that garage sale)
• Any repairs incurred within six months of any expired warranty (Government must recognize that this is when all repairs occur)
• $500 “anxiety exemption” for every mousetrap purchased ($500 extra if it doesn’t work; $1,000 if it does)
• The portion of your phone bill incurred by a teenager (multiple deductions for multiple teenagers)
• $100 every time your mother calls, and instead of making her mad, you make her laugh (“you turned out pretty well” deduction)
• $5 for every mosquito bite acquired on a Scout overnight (“doing one’s American duty” deduction)
• A dollar for every diaper changed (a buck-fifty if it’s… you know what)
• $100 for every time you’re in the car and your recommend that your husband, who’s driving, ask for directions and he actually does it (“one small step for mankind” deduction)
• $1 for every plastic bag that you have painstakingly saved in another bag (“good intentions to recycle” deduction)
• $3,000 puppy exemption, for housebreaking of any canine (includes reimbursement for chewed-up shoes and furniture)
• $50 for every “A” on any report card that comes through your door (“behind every good student is a mother who sat up until 3 a.m. coloring a map of Africa” deduction)
• $30 for every bad hair day
• $25 for every invitation to serve on a committee that you turn down, assuming you are already booked to the gills (“finally learned to say no” deduction)
• All costs for bubble bath weekend retreats, fancy dinners and massages (Call it the “preservation of sanity” deduction)
If You Love Something – Set It Free
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place . . .
You either married it or gave birth to it.
The Bitchiest Bette Davis Quotes
Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it’s because I’m not a bitch. Maybe that’s why [Joan Crawford] always plays ladies.
“There was more good acting at Hollywood parties than ever appeared on the screen.”
“I will never be below the title.”
“The best time I ever had with Joan Crawford was when I pushed her down the stairs in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?”
“I never did pal around with actresses. Their talk usually bored me to tears.”
“[referring to fourth husband, Gary Merrill] Gary was a macho man, but none of my husbands was ever man enough to become Mr. Bette Davis.”
“[on her greatest rival Joan Crawford] She has slept with every male star at MGM except Lassie.”
“[on Crawford] I wouldn’t piss on her if she was on fire.”
“[commenting on the death of long-time nemesis Joan Crawford] You should never say bad things about the dead, you should only say good… Joan Crawford is dead. Good.”
“[on Errol Flynn] He was just beautiful… Errol. He himself openly said, ‘I don’t know really anything about acting,’ and I admire his honesty because he’s absolutely right.”
“The male ego, with few exceptions, is elephantine to start with.”
“I am a woman meant for a man, but I never found a man who could compete.”
“I’d marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he’d be dead within a year.”
“I survived because I was tougher than anybody else.”
“[when Ed Sullivan offered Davis $10,000 to do an imitation of Tallulah Bankhead on television] Miss Bankhead isn’t well enough known nationally to warrant my imitating her.”
“The weak are the most treacherous of us all. They come to the strong and drain them. They are bottomless. They are insatiable. They are always parched and always bitter. They are everyone’s concern and like vampires they suck our life’s blood.”
“Old age is no place for sissies.”
“If everybody likes you, you’re pretty dull.”
“[during tension on the set of The Whales of August (1987) about her esteemed costar Lillian Gish] She ought to know about close-ups! Jesus, she was around when they invented them!”
“Today everyone is a star — they’re all billed as ‘starring’ or ‘also starring’. In my day, we earned that recognition.”
“That wife of mine is a liar,” said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
“How do you know?” the friend asked.
“She didn’t come home last night and when I asked her where she’d been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley.”
“So she’s a liar. I spent last night with her sister, Shirley.”
You Drink Too Much Coffee When…
• Your Thermos is on wheels.
• Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You have a conniption over spilled milk.
• You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
• You don’t tan, you roast.
• You don’t get mad, you get steamed.
• Your three favorite things in life are…coffee before and coffee after.
* Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
• You can’t even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
• Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
• You introduce your spouse as your “Coffeemate.”
• You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Stress Management Visualization
Picture yourself near a steam. Birds are chirping softly in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called “The World.” The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person who pissed you off and whose head you’re holding under the water . . . There now, feeling better?
• 0-60 in 15 minutes!
• 100% Irony Free
• 100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?
• 186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law!
• 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.
• 7 days with out Jesus makes one weak
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• A church alive is worth the surprise!!
• A clean car is a sign if sick mind.
• A day without sunshine is like, night.
• A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, You Know, Night
• A fool and his money are a girl’s best friend.
• A Mouse Is An Elephant Built By The Japanese
• A nuclear war can ruin your whole day .
• A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
• A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
• Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
• According to my best recollection, I don’t remember.
• According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.
• Adrenalin is my drug of choice.
• Adults are just kids with money.
• Age is a high price to pay for maturity
• Air Pollution Is A Mist-Demeaner
• Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
• All generalizations are false.
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”
by Dave Barry
Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me — these are closely related to college.)
College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
- Things you will need to know in later life (two hours)
These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer stains out of your pajamas
- Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours)
These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on.
The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and stay in college for the rest of your life.
It’s very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize — don’t ask me why — the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I’m trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It’s a terrible waste of brain cells.
After you’ve been in college for a year or so, you’re supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. This means you must not major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts.
If, for example, you major in mathematics, you’re going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: “Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices.” If you don’t come up with exactly the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.
So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology — subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I’ll give you a quick overview of each:
This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.
Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.
For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you’ll have to learn to do the same thing.
For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: “Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrymatory, or ‘crying,’ behavior forms.”
If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.