5 Reasons Why We Love Lucy
The Funniest Fake Commercial We Wish Was For Real
Cool Things To Do In A Gym Shower Stall
1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, “I didn’t know I had one of THOSE!”
2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over.
3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.
4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor’s evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.
5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim “Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those.” Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.
6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then return to your side, whistling the tune “It’s a Small World After All.”
7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.
8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.
9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person showering.
10. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.
11. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of “Old McDonald Had A Farm”, making the sound of their animal in the stall.
12. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory. Leave wounded.
13. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.
14. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.
Etiquette For Men
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss’ car
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”
e. When his date is using her teeth
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes.
For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
Bitching about the brand of free beer in a friend’s fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddies birthday is optional.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
It is permissible to order a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel…and it’s free.
Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem. You didn’t see nothin’.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Children Books Not recommended By The National Library Association
1. Bob the Germ’s Wondrous Journey Into and Back Out of Your Digestive System.
2. The Little Engine that Could Becomes Intoxicated and Kills Civilians.
3. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’s Games of Revenge.
4. Peter Rabbit’s Frisky Adventures.
5. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The ‘Hood’.
6. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidentally Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.
7. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.
8. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.
9. The Tickling Babysitter
10. A Pectoral History of Circus Geek Suicides.
11. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.
12. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.
13. Babar Meets the Taxidermist and Becomes a Piano.
14. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.
15. Maybe Dick
16. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.
17. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.
18. Legends of Scab Football.
19. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina.
20. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer.
21. Dad’s New Wife Timothy
22. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.
23. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.
24. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will.
25. Let’s Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on.
26. The Boy Who Ate Spinach …And Lived To Tell About It.
If you receive an e-mail entitled “Bad Times”, delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. This one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the programming on your DVR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD’S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair (for those men out there, this is hair removal cream) and your Nair with Rogaine.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the “Bad Times” message is opened in a Windows Vista environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.
******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN*******
And if you don’t send this to 5,000 people in the next 20 seconds, you’ll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send to everyone…
In case you are a politician, this is a joke
Great Country & Western Song Titles
Yeh I thought it was a contradiction in terms too
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me
7. I’ve Missed You, But My Aim’s Improvin’
6. Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dogfight ‘Cause I’m Scared She’d Win
5. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like You’re Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She’s Lookin’ Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is…
1. It’s Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place
36% of the women favor nudity
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
46% of the women experienced anal sex
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.
Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
Stress Management Technique
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile . . .
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called “the world.”
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
There! See? It really does work . . . You’re smiling already.
What’s Your Name?
A woman takes her 4 year old son in for his yearly well child visit to the doctor. The doctor asks the little boy, “Do you know your name?”
He tells her, “Yes my name is Timmy.”
“And Timmy, do you know your mom’s name?”
“Yes her name is Mommy,” said Timmy.
“And what is Mommy’s real name?”
And little Timmy says, “it’s Tammy.”
“That is great,” the doctor told Timmy. Then the doctor asked, “And what is your daddy’s name?”
Timmy said, “it’s daddy.”
Finally the doctor asked, “And what does mommy call him?”
Timmy looked up innocently and replied, “Asshole.”
Who Knew Cops Had A Sense Of Humor
These are actual comments made by Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.”
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS….
16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.” (I actually saw this one on an episode of Cops)