Lucy and the Chocolate Factory
Top 9 Fun Things To Do Aboard The Starship Enterprise
1. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
2. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
3. Giving Worf a nuggie
4. Ordering Pizza from Domino’s then going 30 min. into the future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger’s crystals
6. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self- destruct sequence
7. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
8. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they’ve beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can
9. Tribble sex!
Wisdom Of Supermodels
“They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind.”
“Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery.”
“I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that.”
“Because modeling is lucrative, I’m able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take.”
-Kathy Ireland, star of ‘Alien From L.A.’ and ‘Danger Island’
“I would rather exercise than read a newspaper.”
ON INNER STRENGTH
“I love the confidence that makeup gives me.”
“I haven’t seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven’t seen anything. I don’t really care.”
“Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling.”
“My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, What if she’s ugly? You’re ugly.’”
ON THE BASICS
“It’s very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it’s not inspiring for your workout.”
“Sometimes I get lonely, but it’s nice to be alone.”
“The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles, but I had on thick tights underneath.”
“If I’m making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some
ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
“I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them.”
“I don’t even wake up for less than $10,000 a day.”
“When I model I pretty much go blank. You can’t think too much or it doesn’t work.”
“If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time.”
“It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would.”
“I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don’t have to speak.”
You Might Be A Redneck If…
1. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
2. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
3. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
4. You’re a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
5. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
6. You have every episode of “Hee Haw” on tape.
7. Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than grandpa.
8. Your masseuse uses lard.
9. Your wife’s best shoes have steel toes.
10. On stag night, you take a real deer.
11. Your back porch is bigger than your house.
12. A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
13. Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
14. Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
15. You’ve ever hitchhiked naked.
16. You list your parole officer as a reference.
17. Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
18. You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
19. You think you are an entrepreneur because of the “Dirt for Sale” sign in the front yard.
20. You don’t think Jeff’s jokes are funny.
Value Of A College Education
Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are beer, loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.)
College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time drinking, sleeping and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.
Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on.
The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.
It’s very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize — don’t ask me why — the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I’m trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It’s a terrible waste of brain cells.
After you’ve been in college for a year or so, you’re supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. This means you must not major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts.
If, for example, you major in mathematics, you’re going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: “Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices.”
If you don’t come up with exactly the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.
So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology — subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts.
I attended classes in all these subjects, so I’ll give you a quick overview of each:
This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland.
Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.
Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams.
Psychologists are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.
For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific – sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you’ll have to learn to do the same thing.
For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write:
“Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or ‘crying,’ behavior forms.”
If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get large government grants.
Oh, and you’ll also learn your social security number.
You’re A Father?
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.”
The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest looked up from his book and said, “I am the Father of many.”
The boy said, “My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”
The priest, getting impatient, said “I am the Father of hundreds,” and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly… but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, “Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.”
Life Is Funny
1. Food has replaced sex in my life … now I can’t even get into my own pants!
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood-alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion… suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it … so I said, “Implants?”
5. I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
6. Sign in a CHINESE Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea.”
7. I have my own little world. But it’s OK … they know me here.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas … I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
10. I don’t approve of political jokes … I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life … Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades. THAT’S A MESSAGE!
13. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
15. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
16. I married my wife for her looks … but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
17. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
18. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
19. How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?
20. Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
21. Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
22. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
23. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”
24. The differences between snowmen and snow-women are snowballs.
Recently our speaker had to discontinue several of his long talks on account of his throat. Several people threatened to cut it.
You have heard it said before that this speaker needs no introduction. Well, I have heard him and he needs all the introduction he can get.
Our speaker needs no introduction. What he needs is a conclusion.
Our speaker will not bore you with a long speech…he can do it with a short one.
You’ve been a wonderful audience…you stayed.
Real Classified Ads
These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB – Go ahead…fire us…we dare you!
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. – Personally I only use mine in the rain.
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 – Doesn’t sound the wire mesh helped much.
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT’S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 – What else does the doll come with?
TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700 – It would be a lot more if it was pre-tickled.
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT — $15 – That’s a lot for an interstellar gangster.
DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE – HAVE YOUR SEPTIC TANK PUMPED. – She always said it was the thought that counts.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. – Ok, but if it is any more then slight I’m retuning it.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME. – Does an Elmo doll come with it too?
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) – $50 – Ever since the new version came out he’s just not in demand.
NORDIC TRACK $300 – HARDLY USED – CALL CHUBBY at:…- Chubby would be the nicest thing I would call you.
BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING – “WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS” – Foreign made we charge extra for.
SHAKESPEARE’S PIZZA – FREE CHOPSTICKS – What! You never heard of fusion food?
PRESIDENT’S CHOICE – COW MANURE – 2 33lb bags – $5 – Congress has to buy the regular manure.
NICE PARACHUTE – NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE – SLIGHTLY STAINED – Bleach out the blood first and we got a deal!
If Architects Had To Work Like Programmers
Dear Mr. Architect,
Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.
My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.
Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don’t have nearly enough insulation in them).
As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)
Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.
To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of these options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make.
Please don’t bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.
Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.
While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has.
I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor’s house he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularly the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost.
Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.
You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can’t happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.
PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I’ve given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can’t handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.
PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.
If you’ve never heard of mommy mommy jokes they are rude crude lude and simply disgusting so continue reading at your own risk.
Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want hamburgers for supper!
Shut up or I’ll grind your other hand.
Mommy, Mommy! I don’t like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate spaghetti!
Shut up or I’ll pull the veins out of your other arm.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can’t we get a garbage compactor?
Shut up and chew!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy’s too tough!
Shut up and keep chewing!
Mommy, Mommy! Why can’t I play with the other kids?
Shut up and deal.
Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!
Mommy, Mommy! Why can’t we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy’s on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy’s running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!