Denise Richards’ Funbags
As I’ve Matured…
I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in…
I’ve learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.
I’ve learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I’ve learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.
I’ve learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I’ve learned that ex’s are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I’ve learned that I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I’ve learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, one of your kids did it
I’ve learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, ‘Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘ Logan ‘s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did the
Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident’… I just lost it.’
Top Things You Should Not Say At A Funeral
• Geez, what died in here?
• He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.
• Nice service…where’s the keg?
• When did he die…really…hey Bob, you won the pool!!!
• Hi, we’re with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we’re looking for…oh, never mind.
• Don’t look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.
• You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.
• Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.
Calmness In Our Lives
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, ‘The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished. So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before the morning was over I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
Helpful Tips For The Workplace
1. Always walk with a document in your hands:-
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. Those with a newspaper in their hands look like they’re heading for the bathroom. Above all, make certain you carry loads of stuff home with you at night. This will generate the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy:-
Any time you use a computer, it looks like ‘work’ to the casual observer. You can send/receive personal email, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These are not exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they aren’t bad either. When you get caught by the boss, and you *will* get caught, your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
3. Voice Mail:-
If you have voice mail, never answer the phone. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do the work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. Should someone leave a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they won’t be there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.
If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit often. One way to accomplish that is to never erase any incoming messages.
If you find that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, “Sorry, this mailbox is full”, a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
4. Messy Desk:-
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build large piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know someone is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed:-
One should always attempt to look impatient and annoyed to give the bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Appear To Be Working Late:-
Always leave the office late, especially those times when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ office on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours – e.g. 9:30pm, 6.50am, etc.) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing For Effect:-
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under serious pressure.
8. Stacking Strategy:-
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. – borrow from the library if necessary. Thick computer manuals are the best.
9. Build Vocabulary:-
Read up on computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember:- They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure will sound impressive.
Words Of Wisdom For Dads
For all new dads, or those contemplating becoming a dad, it is necessary for you to learn these Words of Wisdom:
• Don’t ask me, ask your mother.
• No one said life was supposed to be fair.
• Close the door. Were you raised in a barn?
• You didn’t beat me. I let you win.
• No! We’re not there yet.
• This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
• You call that noise “music”?
• As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules.
• When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.
• Because I said so. That’s why!
• If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times.
• Do as I say, not as I do.
• You want something to do? I’ll give you something to do.
• So, you think you’re smart, do you?
• What do I look like, a bank?
• I’m not just talking to hear my own voice!
• I don’t care what other people are doing! I’m not everyone else’s father!
• What part of NO don’t you understand?
• Enough is enough!
• Don’t make me stop the car!
THE SOUTH—YOU GOTTA LOVE IT
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, ‘You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?’
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, ‘Everything but my earrings.’
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned as one, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. ‘Where’s Henry?’ the others asked.
‘Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,’ the successful hunter replied.
‘You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?’ they inquired.
‘A tough call,’ nodded the hunter. ‘But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!’
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.” “Yep,” he replied.
“That’s why I dumpin it here, cause it says, ‘Fine For Dumpin Garbage.’
A senior at LSU was overheard saying… ‘When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ‘ When asked why, he replied he’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, ‘Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!’
Bubba replied, ‘Did you see who it was?’
The young man answered, ‘I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number.’
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, ‘Got any I.D.?’
The driver replied, ‘Bout whut?’
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, ‘I have a flat tire.’
The passerby asked, ‘But what’s with the flowers?’
The man responded, ‘When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don’t make no sense to me neither.’
And this from South Carolina
‘You can say what you want about the South, but I ain’t never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.
The Rules For Men
1. The Female always makes The Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time, without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. Should the Female suspect the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.
7. Should Rule 6 apply, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female may change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be upset or angry at any time.
11. The Male is to remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be upset or angry.
Now I understand why some men are gay
The Whole Truth
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The boy decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your father a big hug.”
The Politically Correct Way To Describe A Woman
She’s not a CHICK or a BABE – She’s a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She’s not HALF NAKED – She’s WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
She’s not CONCEITED – She’s INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She’s not EASY – She’s HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She doesn’t GAIN WEIGHT – She’s a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She hasn’t BEEN AROUND – She’s a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She doesn’t FLIRT or TEASE – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She doesn’t TURN YOU ON – She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She doesn’t WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME – She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She doesn’t have a KILLER BODY – She’s TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She’s not KINKY – She’s a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.
She doesn’t get CHUBBY or FAT – She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She doesn’t get TIPSY or DRUNK – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She’s not HORNY – She’s SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She’s not COLD or FRIGID – She’s THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She doesn’t WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP – She reaches COSMETIC SATURATION.
She doesn’t have BR EAST IMPLANTS – She’s GRAVITY RESISTANT.
She doesn’t NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She’s not a SLUT – She’s SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She’s not LOOSE – She’s MORALLY IMPAIRED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS – She’s PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.