Funniest Thing EVER on Whose Line Is It Anyway
How Stupid Are They…
1. One car short of a chase scene.
2. One dimension short of reality.
3. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
4. One gene short of a full chromosome.
5. One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
6. One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.
7. Operating in stand-by mode.
8. Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
9. Overdue for reincarnation.
10. Paralyzed from the neck up.
11. Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.
12. Permanently out to lunch.
13. Proof of Einstein’s theory that there is no limit to human stupidity.
14. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
15. Put a lens in each ear and you’ve got a telescope.
16. Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn’t annoying.
17. Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
18. Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
19. Result of a first cousin marriage.
20. She worries about the calories licking stamps and envelopes.
50 Bucks Or Else!
A police officer is walking his beat when he catches with his eye a trail of $50 notes leading into an alley.
Curious, he immediately goes in and finds an old woman with two bags of trash dragging on the ground, one of them leaving $50 notes in its wake.
He calls the woman to halt and approaches her.
“Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole”. He points out.
The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:
“Hope you don’t mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?”
“Well, you see Mr.Officer,” the old lady explains, “I have a lovely house at the end of the street and it just so happens to be right next to a very famous bar.
I don’t mind the noise but every night there are always some drunkards that piss all over my garden.”
She said, her voice shaking with indignation.
“So, yesterday night I stood there with my pruning shears and whenever someone got their thingy out I’d say: ‘$50 bucks or I’ll cut it off!’”
Laughing at the amusing idea of those scared drunkards handing their money, the Police Officer lets her go about her way.
But as she turns to go he jokingly asks:
“Is the second bag filled with money too?”
“Well, you know Mr. Officer, not everyone pays.”
More Of Rita Rudner’s Facts About Men
1. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, “Are we going to have sex again?” He said, “Yes, but not with each other.”
2. If you’re dating a man who you think might be “Mr. Right,” if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
3. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
4. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
5. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
6. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
7. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie “The Way We Were” twice, voluntarily.
8. Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”
9. If a man says, “I’ll call you,” and he doesn’t, he didn’t forget …he didn’t lose your number…he didn’t die. He just didn’t want to call you.
10. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
11. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you…I want to marry you…I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.
12. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: “Mitch, you look great.” Mitch: “Thanks.” On the other side: “Ruth, you look great.” Ruth: “I do? Must be the lighting.”
13. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
14. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she’s wearing a jumpsuit.
15. Men don’t feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women’s dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men sexually and emotionally, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
16. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
17. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
18. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. With male menopause, you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
19. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
20. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
21. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
22. All men would still really like to own a train set.
Emergency Room Tales
Just a few stories from our nation’s Emergency Rooms to prove that fact is stranger than fiction:
A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as “The Human Couch”.
A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling “Puta! Puta! Puta!” at this the grandmother started to cry and the baby’s father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was “Puja!” (Push!) Instead he was saying, “Whore! Whore! Whore!”
The most non-emergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.
A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female’s room.
Doctor: “The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you’re not sexually active?”
Patient: “Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there.”
Doctor: “I see. Well, do you know who the father is?”
Patient: “No. Who?”
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady’s 78-year old daughter that her mother didn’t make it. “Didn’t make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!”
Crazy Things To Do During A Final
If you do decide to do any of these things, you didn’t get them from me.
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc…). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15 – politically incorrect – censored by Dr Phys
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “F@#ck this!” and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). Engineers may do this anyways.
Little Johnny’s At It Again
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, ‘Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’ Little Johnny quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him. Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”
(this is my favorite)
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest…. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.’
During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, “That’s a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!”
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears.
The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, “And all these years, I’ve been chewing gum.”
1 Star Hangover*
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
2 Star Hangover**
Slight headache. Don’t feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 Star Hangover***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a liter of coke watching Good Morning America. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a liter of diet coke – yet you haven’t peed once.
4 Star Hangover****
Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like Keith Richards circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one the following -
A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
5 Star Hangover (aka Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell) *****
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can’t focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen.
Rancid vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it’s toothpaste crust. You don’t give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You’d cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe….
Chemist’s Last Words
The last words of a chemist:
1. And now the taste test.
2. Is that supposed to become hot?
3. And now a little bit from this…
4. … and please keep that test tube alone!
5. And now shake it a bit.
6. Why is there no label on this bottle?
7. In which glass was my mineral water?
8. The bunsen burner is out right?
9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
10. ‘H’ stands for Nitrogen – and that does ‘not’ burn…
11. Uh Oh, I think I just spilt something…
12. First the acid, then the water…
13. And now the detonating gas problem.
14. This is a completely safe experimental setup.
15. Where did I put my gloves?
16. O no, wrong beaker…
17. The fire alarm is just being tested.
18. Now you can take the protection window away…
19. And now keep it constant at 24 degrees Celsius, 25… 26… 27…
20. Peter can you please help me. Peter!?! Peeeeeteeeeer?!?!?!?
21. Has it been 15 seconds yet?
22. Something is wrong here…
23. Where did all those holes in my kettle come from?
24. Trust me – I know what I am doing.
25. And now a cigarette…
John And The Nun
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
“How do you know this, Sister?”
“My Mother Superior told me so.”
“But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”
“Don’t be ridiculous–of course I have never taken alcohol myself”
“Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life”
“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!”
“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.”
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
“Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”
“Oh no! It’s not that Nun again is it?”