The Inner Debate of Single Girls
10 Ways To Know If You Have PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, “How’s my driving – call 1-800-***-****.”
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.
8. You’re counting down the days until menopause.
9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The Motrin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
Business Classified Definitions
CLICK TO E-MAIL ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION: You’ll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY: You’ll be making under $7 an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN: Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENING: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We have a lot of turnover.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
CAREER-MINDED: Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON: If you’re old, fat, or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you’re fired.
Men’s Bathroom Etiquette!
Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as “restrooms,” “bathrooms,” “outhouses,” “commodes,” “men’s rooms,” and several other names.
As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren’t allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.
1. Don’t talk to somebody you don’t know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.
2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don’t spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.
3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.
4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti.
5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there’s any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, don’t do it.
6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.
7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.
8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.
9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom.
11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.
For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations: X……(X = occupied, . = empty) X…..X X..X..X X.X.X.X XXX.X.X <-- These are only acceptable when significant XXX.XXX <-- "privacy" dividers available. If the XXXXXXX urinals aren't divided, use a toilet. 12. Always look at wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what doing. other people is threatening. 13. Flushing optional. Over time, water will become rich orange. At this point, flushing mandatory. 14. Don't start unzipping until protected by privacy of urinal. step back you've closed your pants again. Toilet Rules: 15. Reduce noise all costs. Grunting not acceptable. 16. flush. 17. When you find an un-flushed toilet, leave it alone and another. Special Cases: 18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with females. a. Never, ever, comment on how they in morning. b. ask little wastebasket for. c. present, them absolutely no females around. noticed female, try best to ignore her presence dressed 19. Port-O-Potty similar constructions evil. Use if option available. 20. In woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically Get behind sufficient growth so that completely invisible remainder party before begin. Check carefully near any sort animal insect den. Ants especially bad. forgot toilet paper, bring leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes poor substitute.
Show Me The Money!
A fool and his money are asked to go everywhere!
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A fool and his money are soon popular.
A fool and his money is my kind of customer!
If money’s the root of all evil, why do churches want it?
All I ask is to prove that money can’t make me happy.
Come to Florida, bring money, BUT GET THE HECK OFF OUR BEACH!
Even the blind can see money.
Expert – Someone who knows less, but makes more money.
It’s not the money I want, it’s the stuff.
Life is a game. Money is how we keep score.
Money burns a hole in my pocket…how about yours?
Money is like an arm or leg, use it or lose it.
Money is the root of all bills.
Money may buy “friendship,” but it cannot buy love.
Money Talks – and it usually says NO!!
Never forget a friend, especially if he owes you money.
Political Motto: I had some morals; sold them for money.
This country has the best politicians money can buy.
Time and Money. Two things we don’t have enough of.
Turbo-Tax took money out of my Quicken directory.
Visit your money this year…vacation in Washington D.C.
When money talks, it usually says “Bend over.”
You infernal machine! Give me a soda or my money back!
No one kills over drugs…they kill over money.
Alimony? …sounds kind like all your money
Definitions For People With Children
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn’t.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: “Don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to have s ex with one of his patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go.”
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering……….
“You’re a veterinarian, you sick bastard.”
More Of Men Vs Women
LOW BLOWS: Let’s say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the figures is felled by a low blow. The woman says, “Oh gee, that must hurt.” The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.
DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, “Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there.” and, “I know I’m in the general neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store.”
ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.
NICKNAMES: With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like “Ultimate Pecs” and “Big Turk,” women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to one another as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: Big Screen TV’s. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 “D” batteries to operate.
PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
MUSTACHES: Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.
LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room – sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
“There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked, “Will I be acquitted?”
Why Babies Need Lots Of Clothes
1. Because baby eats. Eating is a messy job for a baby. If you wrap a baby in a towel sized bib…baby will find the tiny gap of space left around the neck and dump food in.
2. Because baby sleeps. Sleeping is an unplanned job for baby. If you don’t have a clean dry diaper on baby when baby decides to doze…or even if you do…baby will figure out a way to sleep and still whiz on everything.
3. Because baby drools. Baby may look clean to the un-expecting admirer… but beware of picking up the little water fountain unless your clothing has flood insurance.
4. Because baby moves. If your house is spotless…baby will find spot.
5. Because baby has Grandma. Grandma thinks the little suit with ears and a tail is SOOOOOO CUTE!!! Not to mention the Santa suit, pumpkin suit, turkey suit, bunny suit, or cowboy suit.
6. Because baby grows. Size 1 today…size 3 on Wednesday…
7. Because baby things disappear. Even washing machines enjoy a light lunch once in a while.
8. Because baby has relatives. Aunt Bertha made a bright orange sundress out of wool for baby. Gee…let’s see if the washing machine has eaten today…
9. Because baby hates getting dressed. If mom cannot get baby in and out of clothing easily and quickly during any part of any day or night…that set of annoying clothing will be gift wrapped and sent to one of the in-laws.
10. Because baby travels. It is not humanly possible to carry around all of the clothing a baby will need. Therefore, stashes of baby clothing must be hidden all over the neighborhood. (If you happen to find someone else’s stash and the clothes look cleaner…just trade…they will probably be too tired to notice.)
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Las Vegas. ”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.