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Information You Need To Help You Choose Your Next Health Plan
1. Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE.” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.
2. Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.
Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories –
Those who are no longer accepting new patients,
And those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day’s drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country.
3. Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
4. Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.
5. Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.
6. Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomachache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
7. Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn’t do that.
8. Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $15 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving him a shot at it.
What’s with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, “No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?” Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”
Can’t we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don’t they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
Why do they call it a “building”? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”?
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn’t that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don’t they rotate on their own?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? “Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!”
Isn’t it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, “Oh, man, I can’t wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff.”
Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, “And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!” I think not.
I was about to walk on to do my show one night when a man in the audience stopped me and said, ‘Rodney, do me a favor before you go on. Could I have your autograph . . . and some more butter?’
The Generic Ethnic Joke
For those of you who don’t like to poke fun at people, here is The Generic Ethnic Joke:
A person, belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms, met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms.
The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group. He proceeded to make a remark, which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group. Whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning. The first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion. But the other meaning of which, serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group.
The first person took offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way.
You Know You Drink Way Too Much Coffee When…
• You don’t sweat, you percolate.
• You buy milk by the barrel.
• You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• When you find a penny, you say, “Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I’ll have a cup.”
• You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
• The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
• Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
• You’re so wired, you pick up FM radio.
• People can test their batteries in your ears.
• Your life’s goal IS to “amount to a hill of beans.”
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
• You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
• You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
• You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
• You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
• You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
• You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
• You get drunk just so you can sober up.
Explaining Death To A Child
Even very young children need to be informed about dying.
Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child.
This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
—P. J. O’Rourke
How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner.
Weigh yourself again in the morning, before breakfast, without clothes.
It’s nice to see how much weight you’ve lost overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don’t forget the earrings; these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off . . . to your advantage.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.
7. Weigh yourself after a haircut; this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
8. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale. You don’t want to weigh all the extra air do you?
9. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it’s worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you’d stepped on normally
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: “What does the cow say?”
Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?”
Mother: “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?”
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, “Bud.”
Age Is A Funny thing
When you’re a kid you always claim to be as old as you can. “I’m 5 and a half!”
You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? “I’m gonna be 16.” You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life happens … you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony …. you BECOME 21 … YES!!!
But then you turn 30 … ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk … He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now.
What’s wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40 … stay over there, it’s all slipping away …
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50… and your dreams are gone.
Then you MAKE IT to 60 … you didn’t think you’d make it!!!!
So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 … then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!
After that, it’s a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday…
You get into your 80′s, you HIT lunch.
You TURN 4:30, my grandmother won’t even buy green bananas … it’s an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.
And it doesn’t end there … into the 90′s you start going backwards… I was JUST 92 …
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again … “I’m 100 and a half!!!!
In the dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the resident assistant.
Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door’s edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag! It was then he realized that “those crazy guys” had removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.