President Obama’s Anger Translator
Hilarious Tweets About What Life Will Be Like Under President Trump
2016: Trump won’t win. 2017: President Trump can’t do that, can he? 2018: You watching The Hunger Games tonight? I hope my District wins.
Inauguration Day, 2017. Donald Trump takes the Presidential Oath of Office with his left hand on a copy of ‘TRUMP: The Art of The Deal’.
White House 2018: [President Trump enters the Oval Office] President Trump: Has anyone seen the movie The Purge? Aide: Oh dear God
President Trump takes the podium. He names every single state that didn’t vote for him. He looks straight into the camera. “You’re fired”
President Trump unveils the new Statue of Liberty. “She looked like dog shit before.” Her mink coat lights up. “And look at those cans.”
I’m tempted to vote for Donald Trump just to hear the phrase “Secretary of State Gary Busey”.
2016: No way will Trump win the election 2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes 2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
President Trump: This is prime real estate. We have to develop it. Advisor: Sir, that’s the White House lawn Trump: *builds luxury condos*
If Trump gets elected I’m counting on Mount Rushmore to come to life and step on some motherfuckers.
Trump can turn this country back into what it once was: an isolated island of paranoia where they hang people for witchcraft.
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A Wives Store opened across the street, also 6 floors.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through the sixth floors have never been visited.
Things Not To Say During Childbirth
– Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
– Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
– I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
– If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
– That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
– When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
– You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
– This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
– Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
– Stop your swearing and just breathe.
– Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You’re not using the right words.
– Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there.
Why Do Woman Love Cats?
I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
New Accounting Job Codes
TO: ALL PERSONNEL
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of “Miscellaneous Unproductive Time”. However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Listed below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.
EXTENDED JOB-CODE LIST
|4303||Waiting for Break|
|4304||Waiting for Lunch|
|4305||Waiting for Something to Happen|
|4306||Hiding from Boss|
|4307||Waiting for Quitting Time|
|4404||Staring Into Space|
|4405||Staring at Computer Screen|
|4408||Fantasizing – Miscellaneous, Unproductive|
|5316||Attended Useless Meeting|
|5317||Working on Stuff at Meeting, Pretending to Take Notes|
|5318||Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting|
|5400||Asking Co-Worker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity|
|5401||Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Co-Worker|
|5403||Covering for Incompetence of Co-Worker|
|5404||Blaming Co-Worker for Latest Screw-Up|
|5405||Playing Pranks on Co-Worker(s)|
|5406||Explaining Concept to Co-Worker Who Could Care Less|
|5407||Explaining Concept to Co-Worker Who is Stupid|
|5408||Explaining Concept to Co-Worker Who Hates Me|
|5500||Filling Out Time Sheet|
|5501||Inventing Time Sheet Entries|
|5600||Complaining About Lousy Job|
|5601||Complaining About Low Pay|
|5602||Complaining About Work Hours|
|5603||Complaining About Co-Worker(s) (See Codes 5401 & 5404)|
|5604||Complaining About Boss|
|5605||Complaining About Personal Problems|
|5640||Complaining – Miscellaneous, Unproductive|
|5650||Feeling Sorry For Yourself|
|5701||Not Actually Present At Job|
|5702||Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu|
|6104||Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive|
|6105||Liquid Lunch (3 or more required; otherwise use 6100)|
|6106||Taking It Easy While Digesting Food/Sobering-Up|
|6200||Using Company Resources for Personal Profit|
|6201||Stealing Company Goods|
|6202||Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods|
|6203||Making Long-Distance Personal Calls|
|6204||Making Long-Distance Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods|
|6207||Planning a Social Event (vacation, wedding, party)|
|6211||Answering Classified Employment Ad|
|6212||Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter|
|6213||Out of Office on Interview|
|6221||Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching|
|6222||Pretending to Enjoy Your Job|
|6223||Pretending to Like Co-Worker(s)|
|6224||Pretending to Like People When They are Jerks/Idiots|
|6601||Running Your Own Business on Company Time|
|6603||Writing a Book/Program on Company Time|
|7281||Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 15 minutes)|
|7400||Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone|
|7401||Talking With Plumber on Phone|
|7402||Talking With Child Care Provider on Phone|
|7403||Talking With Doctor on Phone|
|7404||Talking With Masseuse on Phone|
|7406||Talking With Therapist on Phone|
|7419||Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone|
|7425||Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone|
|8000||Recreational Drug Use|
|8001||Non-recreational Drug Use|
|8200||Miscellaneous Internet/Web Surfing/Browsing|
Who Says Chivalry Is Dead?
‘Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry.’ ‘Mr. Smith,’ replied the judge, ‘I am granting the divorce. I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation for opening the door while driving 65 mph’.
• In the middle of the caller’s memorized sales pitch, interrupt with, “What causes a hiccup?”
• When someone asks whether a spouse is at home, “Yes, but I never allow him/her to talk to strangers.
• You want to sell me insurance? I’ve been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!
• To a salesperson hawking a rug-cleaning service, whisper, “Do you get goat’s blood out? How about identifiable fibers and that DNA stuff?”
• Another response to rug-cleaners or any person offering home services … (Break into tears and say), “Is this some kind of joke? My house burned down last night! We lost everything!”
• To a phone company solicitor, “That sounds great! Wait, can you hold for a minute?” (Leave the phone off the hook until he hangs up.)
• Use your touch-tone phone to annoy the caller by playing, “Mary Had a Little Lamb.”
• Keep an air horn handy and use it.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.
Police work, like any profession, has its own jargon and set of terms and there is sometimes a problem in translating these words from what they appear to be saying to what they really mean.
While on routine patrol…
I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.
The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner.
He had a bumper sticker that said “Slow Down. Don’t Feed the Pigs.”
The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control.
It was raining.
This officer went “out of service” to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
It was too hot to ride in the car.
I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner.
The dirt bag let go with an “Oink” as I walked by.
Knowing the suspect had a criminal history…
He puked on my uniform one night.
The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past.
I’ve got two theft cases hanging over his head.
While being arrested, the subject resisted, being injured in the act.
He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirrored sunglasses.
The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations.
I wrote him one citation for each swear-word he used.
Upon announcing my title and purpose I heard a voice from inside the house say “Come in,” so I entered through the door.
The rock music was so loud they wouldn’t have heard Patton’s army, so I kicked in the door.
The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies.
I sent them to a non-existent address which I called the “Command Post.”
I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding.
She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and was free after my shift was over.
The Chief appeared at the scene and took command.
I sent him to the same address as the reporters.
Further interview of the witnesses was impossible, due to conditions beyond my control.
Tonight is my bowling night.
The defendant asked this officer’s advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment.
I told him he didn’t have the [guts] to call the judge the same name he called me.
Lessons In Sex And Politics
A son asks his father, “What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.” The father thought some and said, “OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let’s say that I’m a capitalist because I’m the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?” The little boy said, “Well, Dad, I don’t know, but I’ll think about what you said.”
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother’s crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent’s bedroom and found his father’s side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn’t wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, “Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.” “Excellent, my boy,” he answered, “What have you learned?” The little boy thought for a minute and said, “I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future’s full of crap.”