Zach Galifinakis Interview With Barack Obama
Products We Could Do Without
Fingernail Clippers: That’s why we have teeth.
Makeup That Is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you’re fifty?
Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn’t make your mouth stand out enough.
Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.
Crayons With a Fragrance: Oh, good, let’s give kids another reason to eat them.
Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn’t be able to braid your eyelashes.
The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.
Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.
Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn’t bounce if you fall down the stairs.
Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.
Thong underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Dad”
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice, even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Dad, she’s pregnant and Joan says that we will all be very happy. Even though you won’t care for her, as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I’m sure we’ll come back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card…… it’s in my desk center drawer.
I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.
The Laws of Life
Murphy’s First Law for Wives:
If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
Kauffman’s Paradox of the Corporation:
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Miller’s Law of Insurance:
Insurance covers everything except what happens.
First Law of Living:
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you’ll want to be doing something else.
Weiner’s Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references.
Isaac’s Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
The Grocery Bag Law:
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is always hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Lampner’s Law of Employment:
When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
Announcing The New Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge Device (BOOK)
It’s a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere –even sitting in an armchair by the fire–yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD.
Here’s how it works: Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.
The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The “browse” feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an “index” feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional “BOOKmark” accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session — even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, coming soon, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus…..
Let’s suppose your supervisor notices items on your screen not related to your normal work duties. If you plan a logical sounding “explanation” in advance, chances are you’ll be free to do your own thing for as long as you want.
If you’re caught copying software for home use, say…
“I’m just backing-up my hard drive.”
If you’re caught getting Stock Market updates, say…
“I was curious how market swings affect our organization.”
If you’re caught on one of the many “job” web sites, say…
“I’m analyzing the job market to compare our pay scales.”
If you’re caught checking out on-line auctions, say…
“I’m seeing if we can save money on supplies.”
If you’re caught doing personal e-mail, say…
“I’m requesting a friend’s help for a work-related problem.”
If you’re caught checking prices on a PC vendors site, say…
“I’m seeing if new technology can improve my production.”
If you’re caught working on your resume, say…
“I’m doing a typical background check for my desk manual.”
If you’re caught viewing some “Babe of the Day”, say…
“I’m resetting the pixels for screen clarity.”
If you’re caught making invitations for a party, say…
“I’m familiarizing myself with some new software.”
If you’re caught viewing Super Models, say…
“I was wondering if we need a dress code for the Office.”
If you’re caught playing some inane screen game, say…
“I’m experimenting with some new mouse settings.”
If you’re caught checking-out link sites, say…
“I was curious how our organization was listed on the Web.”
If you’re caught on a porn site, say…
“I’m experimenting with a new porno blocker for the Office.”
If you’re caught checking football scores, say…
“I’m just trying to keep the Office Football Pool honest.”
If you’re caught downloading software, say…
“I’m applying to be a Beta Tester for our company.”
If you’re caught working on your Web Site, say…
“I’m trying to improve our exposure on the Web.”
If you’re caught in chat room, say…
“I’m comparing notes with peers in like positions.”
If you’re caught surfing, say…
“I’m attempting to find new resources for my work.”
If you’re caught reading/sending jokes, say…
“I’m obtaining new material for the next Staff Meeting.”
Curing Loyalty Problems
A woman was complaining to her neighbor that she suspected her husband was cheating on her because he always came home at extremely late hours.
The neighbor said, “Dear, try what I did. One night, when my husband came home at 3 a.m. I called out, ‘Is that you Jeffrey?’ He never came home late again.
“That’s ridiculous! Just calling his name made him stop?” replied the neighbor with disbelief.
“You don’t understand.” replied the lady, “My husband’s name is Thomas.
The Universal Laws of Computing
For every function, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
To err is human… to blame your computer for your mistakes is downright natural.
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
Dress for Success
A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, “I don’t really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them.”
Things You’ll Never Hear A Southern Boy Say
31. When I retire, I’m movin’ north.
30. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.
29. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won’t fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken
26. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
25. You can’t feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We’re vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don’t need another dog.
18. Who cares who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I’ve got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
8. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
6. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
4. I don’t have a favorite college team.
3. You Guys.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
1. Nope, no more beer for me. I’m driving a whole bus load of us down to re-elect OBAMA!
One Liners For Lawyers
Q. What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A. A tick falls off of you when you die.
Q. What do you have when 100 Lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A Doberman.
Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, They cannot be recalled. When they land, they mess up everything forever.
Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A. They had pictures of lawyers on them … and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.
Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.
Q. It was so cold last winter … (How cold was it?) …
A. It was SO cold … that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates. “$50.00 for three questions”, replied the lawyer. “Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man. “Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”
Q. You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A. Shoot the lawyer. Twice.