How to Play Football (1944)
I Hate Long Goodbye’s
Italian Liner Cruising Stories
With apologies to all those of Italian origin and to those who contemplate a cruise on the Med:
How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? – On the rocks
What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? – Leeks
What’s the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? – Follow the captain
When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied “off course.”
So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That’s more than can be said for his ship
The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi’s last hooker.
What’s the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia? Nothing – The bottoms dropped out of both.
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude the hypnotist explained: “I’m here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
“I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch.
It’s been in my family for six generations.”
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
“SHIT!” said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back
He has a mind like a steel trap – always closed!
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.
Here’s 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
Hi! I’m a human being! What are you?
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I’ll never forget the first time we met – although I’ll keep trying.
You’re so narrow minded when you walk your earrings knock together.
You’re lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
Brainwashing Childhood Classics
Fox News recently reported that the Liberals were using The Muppet’s to brainwash children into communism. But don’t you see, Fox News? ALL childhood classics brainwash kids! For example…
Teaches atheism by encouraging that you solve life’s mysteries. IT’S ALL PART OF GOD’S PLAN, VELMA, JUST LET IT GO.
The ORIGINAL Animal Hoarders.
THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE
What are tanks made out of? Steel. What’s the Russian translation of “steel”? Stalin.
Why are we showing kids that it’s okay to sneak aliens around our soil? Just build a fence already!
WINNIE THE POOH
Eeyore lives in a house made out of sticks and wears a pink bow on his butt. He’s a cross dresser and part of the 99% all at the same time.
Notice how no one in Bedrock ever wears shoes? Damn hippies.
THUS, television and movies just love teaching children to be horrible. But don’t worry! It helps them grow up to be joyless adults who work for Fox News.
More Fun Things To Do At Wall-Mart
1. TP as much of the store as possible.
2. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
3. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.
4. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
5. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”
6. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?”
7. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
8. Take bets on the battle described above.
9. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
11. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
12. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission: Impossible.”
13. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
14. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
15. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”
16. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
17. Two words: “Marco Polo.”
18. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
19. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.
20. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.
21. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
22. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
23. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
24. Pay off layaway’s fifty cents at a time.
25. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink, explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, “Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand …and try saying things like ‘yes, I see,’ and ‘yes, go on,’ and ‘I understand.’…”
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying, ‘No shit? What happened next’!?”
I Knew It Was Over When…
I knew it was over on our second date when he threw his legs over his shoulders and proudly lit a thunderous fart on fire with a lighter. —Tiff
Aftermath: Ended shortly thereafter, for obvious reasons. The white ball of flame was impressive, though.
We were making out, and suddenly we had to stop. He looked over at me and said in that stupid, gruff, three-pack-a-day voice of his, “I wish we had more time…and a condom.” We had barely been dating three days. —Lily
Aftermath: I broke up with him probably two days later. (He sucked at kissing too.)
As I drove her home, she suddenly looked at me in terror and said, “I’m so sorry!” which was promptly followed by the sound of her full bladder erupting all over my passenger seat.
— one unfortunate guy
Aftermath: Oddly enough, I didn’t feel compelled to ask her out again.
A big man walked up to my fiance and told him to stay the f**k away from his wife.
Aftermath: He denied the affair initially, but then dumped me on the eve of my 30th birthday. I was visiting him abroad, so he put me up in a hotel while I waited for my flight home. I upgraded to the penthouse and ordered lots of room service to at least stick him with a big bill.
I drove 140 miles to console her over getting a ‘B’ on a graduate school exam even though I was terribly ill. During the night she woke me to tell me my breathing was bothering her and could I go sleep on the couch? —Andy
Aftermath: Four months later, she told me that she sat rocking in a chair and crying all afternoon because she felt all of her friends liked me more than her and she wanted to be the ‘star’ of the relationship.
She was always teasing me with a 3-way, with another girl. But, when she came home with her new best girlfriend, they had no interest in me.—Ricky
Aftermath: Divorced 6 months later.
He called me from out of the country and told me that he knew I was in a grocery store. And he wanted to know who I was shopping with (a male friend who had a car). Turns out his friends saw me and called him to tell him what I was doing.—Lindsey
Aftermath: I found out that he was an international drug dealer, living under a different name, was married, and had 5 children by 5 women…all at age 26.
Hilarious Staff Meeting
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.
10. Viagra, whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, the quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, we bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee… This is your peepee on drugs.
Quotes On Stupidity
Without Human Stupidity the World Would Probably Be a Better Place but Probably Also a Lot Less Fun ~ Unknown ~
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. ~ Albert Einstein ~
The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity. ~ Voltaire ~
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. ~ Albert Einstein ~
When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing. ~ Unknown ~
Television … A Creative Expression of Human Stupidity! ~ Unknown ~
You Might Be A Redneck If…
…You think the last three words of the national anthem is ‘start your engines.’
…Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
…One of your kids was born on a pool table.
…If you refer to the fifth grade as, “your senior year”.
…You think the stock market has fence around it.
…You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
…You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
…Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow… but she can’t touch it ’til she’s fourteen.
…The figurines on top your wedding cake were wearing overalls.
…Your favorite restaurant has a sawdust floor
…You’ve ever burped and killed a fly
…There were dogs in the church on your wedding day
…You’re saving up to gravel your driveway.
…You’ve ever bought a used cap.
…You turn the sprinkler on and tell the kids it’s a water park.
…You’ve ever had to have a wrecker pull your car out of a pothole in your driveway.
…Your wedding cake was made by Sarah Lee
…You’ve ever had a dream about beef jerky.
…Winn-Dixie catered your wedding.
…Your not actually able to read the Richard Petty Story, but you sure like to look at the pictures.
…You’ve ever tried to pass an entire funeral procession.
…Your driving a vehicle with no original body parts.
…The fireworks stand gives you a volume discount.
…In preparation for a romantic evening, you stop by the grocery store for a bottle of Mr. Bubble.