Eddie offers his commentary on the Emancipation Proclamation
This was in the “Bob Levey’s Washington” column in the Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the “Best T-shirts”
1. So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
2. I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
3. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
4. If They Don’t Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain’t Going
5. At My Age, I’ve Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All…I Just Can’t Remember It All
6. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
7. I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
8. If It’s Called Tourist Season, Why Can’t We Hunt Them?
9. Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
10. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
11. No, It Doesn’t Hurt (on a “well-tattooed gentleman”)
12. I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We’re OK Now
13. (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor
14. Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
15. What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It’s All About
16. I Didn’t Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
17. (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $225,000 Cover Charge
18. Coffee, Chocolate, Men…Some Things Are Just Better Rich
19. Liberal Arts Major…Will Think For Money
20. Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
21. Gravity…It’s Not Just a Good Idea. It’s the Law.
22. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
23. Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
24. The Old Pro…Often Wrong…Never In Doubt
25. If At First You Don’t Succeed, Skydiving Isn’t For You
26. Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
27. First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.
28. In America, Anyone Can Be President. That’s One of the Risks You Take.
Definition of a Good Marriage
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
—Michel de Montaigne
An Old Woman’s Wishes
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life. All of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
After taking a moment, the old lady begins, “I guess I would like to be very rich.” In a puff of smoke, her rocking chair turns to solid gold and she is surrounded by buckets of money.
“Oh… and I would like to be a young, beautiful princess.” Another puff of smoke and she turns into a beautiful young princess.
“What is your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. “Ooh… my cat is my best friend. I really love him. Can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks.
In a final puff of smoke, there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten.
With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear,
“Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”
Yes, we have electricity
But It’s a Dry Heat
Litterasy Ain’t Everthing
As Seen on TV
If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
We Put the “Fun” in Fundamentalist Extremism
Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Potatoes and NeoNazi’s … What More Could You Ask For?
Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Where Science Don’t Mean Sh__!
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
We’re Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Just Our Tourism Campaign
We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
A Thinking Man’s Delaware
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)
First Line of Defense From the Canadians
10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Whores and Poker!
Go Away and Leave Us Alone
You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney…
Tobacco is a Vegetable
We Really are One of the 50 States!
At Least We’re Not Michigan
Like the Play, only No Singing
Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner
Cook With Coal
We’re Not REALLY An Island
Remember the Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender
Closer Than North Dakota
The Educashun State
Si’ Hablo Ing’les (Yes, I speak English)
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?
Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Wanna Be Mayor?
One Big Happy Family-Really!
Come Cut Our Cheese
Where men are men and sheep are scared
Penalty for Bigamy
Q. What is the penalty for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law’s!
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is — some flowers.”
“That’s right” the boy said, “but how did you know?”
“Oh, just a wild guess,” she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said,
“I bet I can guess what it is — a box of sweets.”
“That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl.
“Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
“Is it wine?” she asked.
“No” the boy replied.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
“Is it champagne?” she asked.
“No” the boy replied.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring,
“I give up, what is it?”
The boy replied, “A puppy!”
Still More Ways To Be Annoying
1. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
2. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
3. Drive half a block.
4. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
5. Ask people what gender they are.
6. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
7. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
8. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes”.
9. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
11. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
12. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
13. Change your name to “AaJohn Aaaaasmith” for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each “a.”
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
14. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
15. Wear a LOT of cologne.
16. Listen to 33rpm records at rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”
17. Sing along at the opera.
18. Mow your lawn with scissors.
19. At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”
20. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”
21. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
22. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
23. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”
24. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
25. Never make eye contact.
This is your captain speaking
“This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message.”
What Your Car Says About You
ACURA INTEGRA – I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.
ACURA LEGEND – I’m too bland for German cars.
AUDI 90 – I enjoy putting out engine fires.
BUICK PARK AVENUE – I am older than 34 of the 50 states.
CADILLAC SEVILLE – I am a pimp.
CHEVROLET CAMARO – I enjoy beating people up.
CHEVROLET CHEVETTE – I like seeing people’s reactions when I tell them I have a ‘Vette.
CHEVROLET CORVETTE – I am going through a mid-life crisis.
DATSUN 280Z – I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.
DODGE DAYTONA – I delivered pizzas for four years to get this car.
FORD MUSTANG – I slow down to 85 in school zones.
FORD CROWN VICTORIA – I enjoy having people slow to 45 and change lanes when they pull up behind me.
GEO STORM – I start 11th grade in the fall.
GEO TRACKER – I start 12th grade in the fall.
HONDA CIVIC – I have just graduated and have no credit.
HONDA ACCORD – I lack any originality.
INFINITI Q45 – I am a physician with17 malpractice suits pending.
JAGUAR XJ6 – I am so rich that I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
LINCOLN TOWN CAR – I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
MAZDA TRUCK – I only WANT people to think I’m a construction worker.
MERCEDES 500SL – I will beat the shit out of you if you ask for an autograph.
MAZDA MIATA – I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler.
MGB – I am dating a mechanic.
MITSUBISHI DIAMANTE – I don’t know what it means either.
NISSAN 300ZX – I have a government paid car.
PLYMOUTH NEON – I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
PONTIAC TRANS AM – I have a switch blade in my sock.
SUBARU LEGACY – I’ve always wanted a Japanese car more inferior than Isuzu.
TOYOTA CAMRY – I am still in the closet.
VOLKSWAGON BEETLE – I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
VOLKSWAGON CABRIOLET – I am out of the closet. (I own a VW)
VOLKSWAGON MICROBUS – I am tripping out right now.
You’re Between Baby Boomer And Generation X If . . .
1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb in the back pocket was cool.
2. Any photograph of you shows you wearing an Izod shirt with the collar turned up.
3. You know any “Weird Al” Yankovic songs by heart.
4. You’ve ever rung someone’s doorbell and said “Landshark!”
5. You were once bowled over by the technological excellence of such products as Atari, IntelliVision, TelStar and Coleco.
6. You remember the premier of MTV-or worse yet, you remember its predecessor, “Friday Night Videos.”
7. You and your friends ever discussed having a reunion at the end of the century and playing Prince’s “1999″ until you passed out partying.
8. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.
9. You remember when music that was labeled “alternative” really was alternative, and when “alternative comedy” was really funny.
10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.
11. (Related to No. 10) You rode in the back of the station wagon facing the cars behind you.
12. You’ve recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: “You know, back when…,” “When I was your age…,” or “When I was younger…”
13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you learned things like grammar, math and history. (A big hint here is if the only way you can recite the Preamble to the Constitution is by singing it.)
14. You ever dressed to look like someone in a Madonna, Cyndi Lauper or Duran Duran video.
15. You remember your first kiss with someone having happened while either “Leather and Lace” or “Crazy for You” was playing.
16. You remember with pain the day the Green Machine hit the streets (or the sidewalks), instantly making your Big Wheel obsolete.
17. The age-old question “Where’s the beef?” still makes you laugh.
18. You remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly have more advanced special effects than “TRON.”
19. You had a crush on Ted the photographer on “Love Boat,” Gage from “Emergency,” or Ponch from “CHIPS.”
20. Your hair at some point in time in the ’80s could only be described by saying “I was experimenting.”
21. You’ve ever shopped at Benetton.
22. You’re starting to believe that having the kids in school year-round wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all.
23. You’re currently employed doing something that has absolutely nothing to do with your college major.
24. U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now.
25. You remember trying to guess which episode of “The Brady Bunch” it was by the first scene.
26. You had a front-row seat (i.e., blew off one or more classes) for Luke and Laura’s wedding on “GH.”
27. Your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes anyway.
28. You know who shot J.R.
29. You recall when Love’s Baby Soft was in every girl’s Christmas stocking.
30. This rings a bell: “My name is Charlie, and they work for me.”
31. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on. (Related item: you were sure that “New Coke” would NEVER catch on.)
32. You know all the words to the double-album set of the “Grease” soundtrack.
33. You’ve ever had a Dorothy Hamill haircut.
34. You sat with your friends on any given Friday night circa 1982 and dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny was actually there.
35. “All skate, change directions” means something to you.
36. You’ve ever owned a pair of rainbow suspenders like the ones Mork used to wear.
37. You bought a pair of Vans and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli. (Related item: if you’ve ever smacked yourself in the head with a shoe and exclaimed, “I’m so wasted!”)
38. You owned a Preppy Handbook.
39. You were too young to see “Blue Lagoon,” so you just had to settle for the second-hand reports.
40. You remember when movies were only PG and R.
41. You learned to swim at about the same time “Jaws” came out . . . and still carry the emotional scars to prove it.
42. You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch . . . and your “cable remote” was connected to the TV by CORD!
43. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished one of those brick-sized packages of Bazooka.
44. You remember Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy, Boss Hogg, or-worst of all-what Sheriff Roscoe’s full name was.
45. Your parents paid $2,000 for a top-loading VCR that was almost the size of a coffee table.
46. You found nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.
47. You remember having a rotary phone.
48. You actually believed that Mikey, famed kid on the Life cereal commercials, died after eating Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke.
49. “Members Only” jackets…say no more.
50. And lastly, I’ll make a song stick in your head for the rest of the day: … you actually remember the words to the theme song of “The Greatest American Hero.” (“BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I’M WALKIN’ ON AIR…I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD FEEL SO FREE-EE-EE…”)