Bad Lip Reading of The NFL
NFL Drop’s Team
The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league.
So they’ve decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving jobs.
They will be known as the TAMPACKS.
Unfortunately, they’re only good for one period and have no second string.
Top Ten Funny and Amusing Quotations From and About the NFL
• I had pro offers from the Detroit Lions and Green Bay Packers, who were pretty hard up for linemen in those days. If I had gone into professional football the name Jerry Ford might have been a household word today. – President Gerald Ford
• I just wrap my arms around the whole backfield and peel ‘em one by one until I get to the ball carrier. Him, I keep. – DT Big Daddy Lipscomb on his tackling technique
• He is the only man I ever saw who ran his own interference. – Steve Owen on Bronko Nagurski
• I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first. – Saints RB, George Rogers
• I’m a light eater. As soon as it’s light, I start to eat. – Art Donovan
• The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public. – Phyllis Diller
• Most football players are temperamental. That’s 90 percent temper and 10 percent mental. – Doug Plank, former-Chicago Bears
• Rapport? You mean like, ‘You run as fast as you can, and I’ll throw it as far as I can?’ – QB Jeff Kemp on his rapport with WR Jerry Rice
• We’re as clean as any team. We wash our hands before we hit anybody. – Nate Newton
• I always enjoy animal acts. – President Calvin Coolidge when asked if he wanted to meet the Chicago Bears
Super Bowl Seat
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man
comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
“No”, he said, “the seat is empty”.
“This is incredible”, said the man. “Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sport event in the
world, and not use it?”
Somberly, the man says, “Well… the seat actually belongs to me. I
was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the
first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967.”
“Oh I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone
else – a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head, “No. They’re all at the funeral.”
In The Reality Of Movies And Television
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French Bread.
It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. There is never any dust or lint in the ventilation ducts.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition – even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.
You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
At night, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Why Dalmatians Ride Fire Engines
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.
“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”
Titanic virus…………….Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus……………..Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Mike Tyson virus………….Quits after one byte.
Prozac virus……………..Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.
Sharon Stone virus………..Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.
Tim Allen virus…………..Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
Woody Allen virus…………Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
Tonya Harding virus……….Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
George Michaels virus……..Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.
X-files virus……..All your Icons start shape shifting.
Spice Girl virus………….Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
Ronald Reagan virus……….Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus…..Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
AT&T virus……………….Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus………………..Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Martha Stewart virus………Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.
Oprah Winfrey virus……….Your 1 Terabyte hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80GB, and then slowly expands to 1 Terabyte.
Advice From Men To Women
Never buy a ‘new’ brand of beer because ‘it was on sale.’
If we’re in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn’t mean we’re not watching it.
Don’t tell anyone we can’t afford a new car. Tell them we don’t want one.
Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.
Don’t feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We’re just nodding, waiting for the punch line.
The quarterback who just got pummeled isn’t trying to be brave. He’s just not crying. Big difference!
When the waiter asks if everything’s okay, a simple ‘Yes’ is fine.
World’s Shortest Books Ever Written
• French Military Victories
• Staple Your Way To Success
• The Amish Phone Directory
• Beauty Secrets By Janet Reno
• Home Built Airplanes By John Denver
• How I Became A Stud By Kenny G
• Fun With Unix
• My Boring Teenage Years By Miley Cyrus
• Things I Can’t Afford By Bill Gates
• The Most Beautiful Sunsets By Helen Keller
• How To Find Osama Bin Laden By George Bush
• Motherhood By Britney Spears
• How To Lead A Team To A World Series By Barry Bonds
• Healthy Fast Food
• Ultimate Guide To Acting By Keanu Reeves
• Jewish Sports Legends
• People Who Respected Me By Paula Abdul
• The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
• The Value Of Pre-war Intelligence By George W Bush
• How To Get A Tan With A Blowtorch
• Hair Care By Albert Einstein & Don King
• My Plan To Find The Real Killers By O J Simpson
• Zagat’s Guide To Cities Without A Starbucks
• The Engineer’s Guide To Fashion
• To All The Men I’ve Loved Before By Ellen Degeneres
• The Difference Between Reality And Dilbert
• Fast & Efficient Windows Programs
Weird Sex Laws
If a police officer in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.
Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an Illinois state law.
A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.
A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.
In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.
Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.
In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city’s airport property.
A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman’s name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.
In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.
In Ames, Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.
A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.
In Bozeman, Montana, you can’t perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.
A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weighs more than three pounds, two ounces.
Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.
Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.
In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.
In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
How To Tick People Off
• Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
• In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
• Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
• If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
• Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
• Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
• Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
• Practice making fax and modem noises.
• Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
• Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
• Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
• Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
• Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
• Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
• Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
• Staple pages in the middle of the page.
• Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
• Honk and wave to strangers.
• Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
• TYPE IN UPPERCASE, and then type only in lowercase.
• Dont use any punctuation either
• Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
• Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
• “DO YOU HEAR THAT?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
• As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
• Ask people what gender they are.
• While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
• Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
• Sing along at the opera.