Tim Wilson – Southern Accents
1961 – 2014 We’ll miss you Tim
You Know You Are A Teacher If…
1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
2. You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
3. You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free.”
4. You believe chocolate is a food group.
5. You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
6. You believe “Shallow gene pool” should have its own box in the report card.
7. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
8. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
9. You have no life between August to June.
10. When you mention “Vegetables” you’re not talking about a food group.
11. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
12. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
13. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
14. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
15. You’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would “Never DREAM” of doing your job.
16. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
17. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says “I have a great idea I’d like to discuss. I think it would be such fun.”
18. You want to choke a person when he or she says “Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you.”
19. Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers the question “Why is this kid like this?”
Star Wars Vs Star Trek
Top ten reasons why the Star Wars characters would click butt in the Star Trek universe.
10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on “STUN.”
9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
7) One word: Lightsabers.
6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
5) The Death Star doesn’t care if a world is class “M” or not.
4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named “SlaveI.”
1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.
Pet Peeves Of Morticians…
1. Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
2. No moth, no Jodie Foster — just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
3. Only 3 hits this month on the “World O’ Coffins” web site.
4. Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
5. Ask any chemical professor what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants… WHAMMO!
6. Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of “the willies.”
7. Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.
8. Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.
9. Toe tag paper cuts.
10. The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.
11. Nobody visits your booth at junior high “Career Days.”
12. Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.
13. At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.
14. Constant complaints of, “But he looks like Michael Jackson!”
15. Dying in each other’s arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.
Park Registration Sheet Comments
Actual comments received from the Bridger Wilderness registration sheets and comment cards:
1. Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.
2. Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce world-wide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.
3. Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.
4. All the mile markers are missing this year.
5. Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.
6. Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
7. Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
8. Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.
9. Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.
10. The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.
11. A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call __ __ __.
12. Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.
13. Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
14. Need more signs to keep area pristine.
15. A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.
16. The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.
17. I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.
18. Too many rocks in the mountains.
Texan Computer Terms
“Hard drive” — Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
“Keyboard” —- Place to hang your truck keys.
“Window” —— Place in the truck to hang your guns.
“Floppy” —— When you run out of Polygrip.
“Modem” ——- How you got rid of your dandelions.
“ROM” ——— Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
“Byte” ——– First word in a kiss-off phrase.
“Reboot” —— What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
“Network” —– Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
“Mouse” ——- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
“LAN” ——– To borrow as in, “Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck.”
“Cursor” —— What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
“bit” ——— A wager as in, “I bit you can’t spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways.”
“digital control” — What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
“packet” —— What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
Facts Of Life
1. Psychiatrists say that one of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they’re OK, you’re it.
2. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
3. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
4. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
5. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
6. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
7. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. Paul’s Law: You can’t fall off the floor.
11. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
12. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid, too.
13. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
14. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
15. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.
16. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
17. A .44 Magnum beats four aces.
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
Rules For Women To follow
1. Sports Center starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. Do not bother me!!
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about “us” and “the relationship.”
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don’t know anything about handbags. Don’t even ask.
14. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he’s cute, Kevin Costner can’t act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to make the movie “Sirens” rather than “Waterworld.”
17. Curley is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
20. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don’t expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hillary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can’t have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria’s Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I was just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
If life was fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
Hollywood is the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters
Things I Learned From My Children
Super glue “is” forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water. Pool filters “do not like Jell-O!”
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of 20 by 20 foot room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. And the glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
VCR’s do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on. It’s been proven that plastic toys do not like ovens.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.